Paintings by Wim Blom
Empowered Living
Life lessons
in memory of and written by
Dr. William N.Downe M.D. FRCP (C)
Dr.Downe practised clinical psychiatry for many years. He became curious about the qualities possessed by
accomplished and powerful people. What he learned, he combined with his experience in training methods and in
habit change. This led to the development of the principles and the exercises in this book. They have successfuly been
applied by thousands of people bringing more satisfaction,confidence and consequently more success into their lives.
.
Being Oneself with Confidence
Newman Hartman & Associates| Self Help| 2021
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1 Tips on Using this Book.
Exercise 1 - Music and Mood.
Exercise 2 - Voicing of Thoughts.
Exercise 3 - Attitude Towards Mistakes
and Failures.
Exercise 4 - Self-Appreciation.
Exercise 5 - Favours Towards Others.
Exercise 6 - Goodwill From Others.
Exercise 7 - On Communication.
Exercise 8 - Healthy Self-Interest and Pursuit of Goals.
Exercise 9 - Courage .
1) Self-Protective Instinct - “No”.
2) Anger.
3) Allies..
Exercise 10 - Pleasure or Chore.
Exercise 11 - Forgiveness.
Exercise 12 - Working with Feelings.
Notes on Habit Change.
Afterthoughts.
In memory
Back cover
Table of Contents
Dr. William N. Downe M.D. FRCP C
Wim Blom - Long afternoon 1976 - South African National Gallery
Preface
“I have yet to meet a person from whom I cannot learn”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The reader might well wonder why this book has been written and who is the author.
I
have
been
practicing
psychiatry,
emphasizing
psychotherapy,
since
1957.
I
had
varying
degrees
of
success
with
the
skills
and
approaches
learned
in
training.
It
was
my
inability
to
help
one
young
lady
overcome
problems
with
anxiety
which
wakened
me
to
the
need
to
learn
and
develop
more
and
better
skills.
This
led
to
studies
in
Behaviour
Modification,
Gestalt,
Imagery
work
and Meditation.
From
Gestalt
I
learned
to
differentiate
between
the
responsibility
which
I
could
assume
and
responsibility
which
the
patient
must
assume.
I
applied
this
and
learned
that
many
patients
wanted
to
assume
responsibility
for
their
own
recovery
but
did
not
know
what
to
do!
Then
I
began
to
pay
more
attention
to
the
force
of
habits
in
our
lives
-
which
habits
are
tripping
us
up,
and how to develop more adaptive and rewarding habits in their place.
This
is
just
part
of
the
equation.
The
other
part
has
to
do
with
unexpressed
feelings
from
earlier
life
and
their
place
in
causing
emotional
distress.
I
will
not
address
that
topic
in
this
book
but
will
limit
the
contents
of
the
book
to
the
work
on
developing
new
and
more
adaptive
habits.
I
first
put
to
print
what
I
had
learned
in
1989.
That
manual
was
entitled
“Power
Living
-
On
Taking Charge with Confidence.”
Some
people
took
exception
to
the
use
of
the
term
“Power.”
Power,
in
its
original
sense,
means
“to
use
one’s
abilities”
and
that
was
the
purpose
of
the
book.
The
development
of
more
adaptive
habits
allows
us
to
make
fuller
use
of
our
abilities
and
therefore
to
mature.
With
this
comes
more
satisfaction,
less
frustration
and
less
pain.
It
seemed
a
worthwhile
goal
but
a
poor
choice of word in the title.
There
is
also
a
very
personal
side
to
what
I
believe
will
be
the
final
revision.
It
will
bring
to
me
a
kind
of
closure
and
completeness to the years which I have spent working with others on these habits.
And what is my background? I was raised in Ontario in a household which taught fundamentalist Christian and British values.
My parents taught me that one of the purposes of being on this earth is to develop our talents - “to make use of our lives!”
I
was
also
taught
that
all
humans
are
valued
and
loved
and
are
capable
of
being
loving.
Along
with
this
I
learned
about
our
connectedness to other human beings in what has been described as “the brotherhood of man.”
From
the
British
tradition
I
learned
to
compete,
within
the
rules,
and
to
try
to
win.
As
an
adolescent,
winning
was
important
for
the
sake
of
one’s
ego.
As
we
become
more
adult,
we
learn
that
to
compete
is
to
challenge
ourselves
to
develop
our
abilities more fully, while winning or losing becomes secondary to that.
So
there
was
encouragement
to
develop
abilities,
to
compete
within
rules,
to
be
aware
of
our
commitment
to
society
and
the
community.
The
2002
World
Cup
of
Soccer
has
given
wonderful
evidence
of
athletes
being
challenged
toto
the
fullest
development
of
their
abilities
and
then,
once
the
game
was
over,
of
respect
and
genuine
affection
which
competitors have for one another.
Both
notions
of
“independence”
(I
do
not
need
anyone
else)
and
notions
of
“liberty”
(I
have
the
right
to
freely
express
myself
without
concern
for
others
in
society)
are
not
only
juvenile
but
quite
out
of
keeping
with
human
nature.
And
I
make
this
comment in reaction to the emphasis upon these beliefs in today’s world. This is individualism “gone crazy!”
I
had
the
privilege
of
spending
some
of
my
growing
up
years
in
a
mining
town
where
the
mixture
of
races
and
nationalities
gave
me
an
introduction
to
the
wider
world.
I
came
to
see
my
prejudices
for
what
they
were,
and
came
to
see
more
fully
the
“common
clay”
which
binds
all
human
beings
together.
In
that
mining
town
I
learned
the
truth
of
“mean
what
you
say
and
say
what
you
mean.”
And
since
people
faced
a
good
deal
of
challenge
from
weather
and
economics,
I
became
part
of
a
community
in
which
people
pulled
together
to
help
one
another.
I
experienced
cooperation and community.
In
my
preteens
I
spent
the
best
part
of
one
school
year
in
bed
recovering
from
an
infection.
During
that
time
I
did
much
reading
and
had
plenty
of
time
for
introspection.
My
habits
of
reading
continued
and
led
me
to
the
writings
of
an
American
philosopher
of
the
late
19th
century.
His
name
was
Elbert
Hubbard.
One
of
his
quotes
comes
to
mind
when
speaking
of
habits
and
it
is
“education
is
simply
the
encouragement
of
right
habits
-
the
fixing
of
good
habits
until
they
become
part
of
one’s nature and are exercised automatically.”
For
me
this
is
a
very
pertinent
comment
upon
the
basic
emphasis
on
developing
habits
which
allow
us
to
make
a
better
adaptation
with
fuller
use
of
our
abilities.
It
is
a
comment
on
the
importance
of
repetition
and
practice
to
integrate
habits
into our nature.
What
is
the
importance
of
habit?
A
habit
requires
less
energy
to
perform
an
action.
If
we
were
required
to
pause
and
make
a
choice
before
every
action,
it
would
be
a
long
and
tiring
day.
Habits
are
automatic
and
energy
saving.
I
often
state
that
it
takes
no
more
energy
for
a
poor
habit
than
for
a
beneficial
one,
so
we
may
as
well
develop
the
most
beneficial
habit.
That
is
one goal of this book.
Choice and patience are required as we work to build a new habit to replace an old one.
“Choose, this day, the habits you would
have rule over you.”
- Elbert Hubbard.
The
aforementioned
aphorism
was
prominently
displayed
in
my
home.
As
a
youngster,
I
sensed
its
wisdom.
Add
many
years
of experience and I have come to realize, more and more, the truth in it for us all.
Innumerable
people
set
about
to
change
in
order
to
improve
themselves.
They
can
see
clearly
that
their
lives
would
proceed
better
if
they
behaved
in
a
certain
fashion
-
so
they
have
been
motivated
to
change.
Then,
after
some
initial
effort
to
reach
their goal, they fail to succeed and they quit.
On the surface, these people would seem to validate the old saying “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions”
-
and
there
is
commonly
much
self-blame
and
disgust
with
ourselves
in
reaction
to
the
lack
of
success
or
perseverance
with our efforts.
However,
my
personal
observations
and
experiences
are
as
follows:
often
the
person
has
failed
not
because
of
lack
of
motivation
or
effort;
the
person
has
failed
to
attain
the
desired
goal
because
of:
a)
a
lack
of
knowledge
about
what
to
practice
in
order
to
develop
a
new
habit,
b)
a
lack
of
knowledge
about
habits
and
the
process
of
change
and
c)
trying
to
change
by
“going it alone” without guidance or encouragement.
I
have
the
belief
that
human
beings
are
meant
to
live
their
lives
as
fully
as
possible.
This
can
be
encouraged
in
our
homes,
in
our schools and in our communities and is aided by the modeling of other people.
I
am
sure
we
have
all
known
people
who,
despite
some
handicap
or
disability,
have
determined
to
live
their
lives
more
fully
and
succeeded
in
doing
so.
I
think
of
Rick
Hansen,
of
all
the
people
involved
in
The
War
Amps
Movement,
of
Terry
Fox,
and
the
list goes on.
Canada’s
own
Simon
Whitfield,
an
Olympic
triathlon
winner,
modeled
for
us
the
simple
joy
to
be
found
in
developing
our
abilities
-
and
he
persevered
with
regular
practice
-
competing
both
for
himself
and
for
his
larger
community.
Encouragement
and
guidance
help
as
we
move
in
the
direction
of
fuller
development
of
our
abilities.
Emerson
was
right
when
he
said
“I
have
yet
to
meet
a
person
from
whom
I
cannot
learn.”
I
have
learned
and
gained
much
from
coaches
and
tutors.
My
high
school
coach
Joe
Costigan
was
knowledgeable
and
compassionate
and
inspired
students
to
both
individual
and team effort.
Introduction
“Sow
a
Thought,
and
you
reap
an
Act.
Sow
an
Act
and you reap a Habit.
Sow
a
Habit
and
you
reap
a
Character.
Sow
a
Character and you reap a Destiny.”
- quoted by Samuel Smiles in “Life and Labor”
In
my
psychiatric
training
I
can
think
of
three
particularly
outstanding
mentors
Dr.
Alex
Turnbull,
Dr.
Francis
Braceland
and
Dr.
Bill
Tillman.
Dr.
Turnbull
encouraged
me
to
explore
beyond
the
traditional
field
of
psychiatric
and
psychological
knowledge
-
and
there
was
much
to
be
found
there.
Dr.
Brace
land
modeled
a
combination
of
knowledge,
experience
and
compassion
which
make
for
maturity
and
wisdom
-
giving
living
evidence
that
this
is
an
attainable
combination
for
each
of
us.
Dr.
Tillman
manifested
great
enthusiasm
for
psychiatry,
with
a
challenge
to
learn
and
grow,
giving
us
living
evidence of the part which enthusiasm plays in our growth and learning.
We
are
often
unaware
of
the
presence
and
impact
of
habits
in
our
lives.
Habits
are
automatic
reactions
and
so
we
often
do
not
awaken to their presence. As we begin to practice these exercises, we begin to awaken more to the new and welcomed
Habit, as well as the old maladaptive habit. For example, if we are trying to convert from a habit of protecting ourselves with
“I
won’t”
to
one
of
“no”
we
begin
to
catch
ourselves
more
frequently
as
we
slide
into
the
old
“I
won’t”
pattern.
This
gives
us
an
opportunity
to
exercise
choice.
We
can
say
to
ourselves
“waits
a
moment,
what
I
really
mean
to
say
(the
new
response
emanating
from
“no”)
is
such-and-such.”
So
the
“no”
practice
not
only
lays
the
groundwork
for
the
new
response
but
awakens
us to the old reaction when it tries to take over. We feel more in charge as we exercise choice.
Human
nature
and
self-fulfilling
habits
are
emphasized
in
this
book,
especially
those
habits
which
make
for
growth
and
maturing.
The
contents
of
this
book
deal
with:
1)
what
exercise
we
practice
and
why,
2)
what
to
pay
attention
to,
3)
understanding
what
is
involved,
what
we
will
experience
as
we
grow
into
a
new
habit,
while
gradually
discarding
the
old
one,
and
4)
the
importance of getting assistance from others as we set about to acquire new habits.
Most
of
the
exercises
in
this
book
are
carried
out
privately.
This
allows
for
fuller
concentration
and
more
enthusiastic
expression,
both
essential
to
bring
results.
We
can
be
less
inhibited
when
alone, and inhibition certainly detracts from the benefits to be had from practicing new habits.
Once
familiar
and
comfortable
through
this
private
practicing,
we
are
more
able
to
go
public
and
be
ourselves
with
others.
We
then
grow
into
living
more
fully
and
confidently,
“being
ourselves”
and
maturing.
The specific use of our voice is central to these exercises.
The
more
we
use
our
voice
to
express
ourselves,
spontaneously,
the
more
we
risk
being
ourselves
and
the
more
we
reinforce
the
new
habit.
The
more
we
voice,
the
more
fully
we
value
and
own
who
we are, the more we accept ourselves - thus integrating the new habit.
In this
Diagram
(click to enlarge)
, I depict the steps to be taken in order to live fully and confidently.
First
we
need
to
practice
and
practice
Being
and
Accepting
ourselves
We
can
not
accept
ourselves
unless
we
risk
expressing
ourselves.
The
more
we
come
to
accept
ourselves,
the
more
freely
will
we
express
and
be
ourselves.
So,
Being
and accepting ourselves reinforce one another and form the foundation.
An
old
friend,
Doug
Cockling,
once
told
me
the
story
of
a
Wise
Man.
“A
traveler
sought
out
the
Wise
Man
to
ask
him
a
specific
question:
Wise
Man!
What
is
your
opinion
of
such-
and-such?
The
Wise
Man’s
response
was
simply,
I
don’t
know.
I
haven’t
started to talk about it yet.”
Expressing
ourselves
vocally
and
honestly
helps
us
to
waken
to
more
of
ourselves.
Talking
turns
on
the
lights
of
the
subconscious
and
wakens
us
to
additional
thoughts,
feelings
and
memories,
which
are
a
part
of
who
we
are
and
what
our
experience
has
been.
Then
follows
the
development
of
the
habit
of
valuing
ourselves.
Whatever
we
experience
has
some
relevance
for
us
and
is
to
be
respected.
Others
have
their
own
personal
experiences,
which
likewise
have
relevance
for
them. This also needs to be respected.
And
we
want
to
become
enthusiastic
about
valuing
ourselves.
The
act
of
giving
voice
to
what
we
think
and
feel
is
to
allow
us
opportunity to enthusiastically value and own who we are!
The
next
step
entails
developing
habits
of
exercising
and
trusting
our
own
Judgment.
Each
of
us
has
the
potential
to
know
what
is
best
for
ourselves,
at
any
moment
in
time.
No
matter
how
hard
others
try
to
think
and
decide
for
us,
they
can
not
wear
our
boots!
They
can
not
be
as
awake
and
alive
to
our
feelings,
needs
and
best
interest.
We
mature
by
trusting
our
own
intuitions
and
judgment.
Now
we
are
already
“going
public”
on
more
and
more
occasions.
This,
of
itself,
affords
additional
self-confidence
because,
“to
say
it
aloud”
is
to
risk
and
to
own
being
ourselves.
We
experience
ourselves
taking
charge
of our lives. We take justifiable pride in expressing and being ourselves in the world.
Other
ingredients
are
required
if
we
are
to
freely
and
confidently
grow
into
being
ourselves
more
and
more.
We
need
habits
of
Self-Protection;
we
need
to
be
comfortable
and
effective
in
dealing
with
Anger;
we
need
habits
of
Reaching
Out
for
Help
when
we
are
overmatched
by
life’s
demands
or
its
adversities,
or
we
simply
want
advice.
I
sometimes
use
“hollering”
rather
than
“reaching
out”
to
emphasize
the
importance
of
calling
out
for
help
or
advice
when
we
need
it.
People are ready to help one another!
We
can
be
challenged
by
others,
put
down,
and
cut
off
like
the
proverbial
skunk
at
a
garden
party.
It
takes
Courage
to
hold
fast
to
being
ourselves
in
the
face
of
these
things.
Courage
comes
from
habits
of
Self-Protection,
from
being
comfortable and effective in dealing with Anger, from habits of Reaching Out for Help and seeking allies
When needed, and from facing and dealing with what we fear.
We
are
now
at
a
stage
where
we
can
have
Faith
in
ourselves.
To
have
faith
in
ourselves,
in
everyday
terms,
means
being
loyal
to
ourselves,
being
an
ally
to
ourselves,
taking
a
stand
for
ourselves,
while
daring
to
be
different.
Each
of
us
has
the
capacity
to
have
Faith
in
our
self.
Sometimes
we
must
struggle
within
ourselves
to
mobilize
this
since,
in
everyday
terms,
we
“fight
for
ourselves.”
Indeed,
we
may
find
that
we
need
to
fight
with
ourselves
in
order
to
persevere,
incorporate
and
give
expression
to
many
of
these
habits.
But
to
remind
ourselves
that
this
work
of
self-
development
is of benefit to ourselves and others, quietness fears and gives us strength.
To
become
as
fully
mature
as
possible,
given
our
lifespan
and
circumstances,
makes
for
a
maximum
amount
of
satisfaction
and
a
minimum
amount
of
frustration
in
living.
To
encourage
this
is
the
goal
of
these
exercises.
Words
and
phrases
such
as
Empowerment,
Taking
Charge,
and
Living
with
Confidence
depict
the
mature
person.
But
there
is
one
other
required
element,
if
we
are
to
become
Wise.
That
element
is
Compassion.
It
has
been
observed
that
we
may
gain
experience and acquire knowledge, but unless we are possessed with compassion we never become wise!
“To
be
what
we
are,
to
become
what
we
are
capable
of
becoming,
is
the
only
end
in
life.”
-
Robert
Louis
Stevenson
in
“Familiar Studies of Man and Books.” This quote emphasizes the goal, the gain and the satisfaction to be found.
Exercise 1
MUSIC AND MOOD
“Music has charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.”
- William Congreve
“Music is feeling, then; not sound.”
- Wallace Stevens
We
want
to
make
use
of
music
there
is
several
common
sense,
human
experiences
with
music
which
we
want
to
keep
in
mind and use.
1) Music is the language of feelings and our feeling state is our mood.
2) Music has been used from ancient times to promote healing of body, mind and spirit, to educate us in our feelings.
3)
Certain
types
of
music
help
us
enter
a
relaxed
or
meditative
state.
In
this
state,
our
parasympathetic
nervous
system
comes into play with its restorative and nourishing effect on our bodies and souls.
4)
Music
can
also
‘fire’
and
stir
up
our
feelings.
In
ancient
and
modern
times
music
has
been
used
to
arouse
patriotism
and
to stir warriors to do battle.
5) Even more familiar is the use of music to promote loving feelings, or to arouse and excite. The list goes on!
In
this
chapter
we
learn
some
simple,
helpful,
enjoyable
ways
to
employ
music.
More
importantly,
we
learn
how
to
use
music
to
foster
spontaneous
self-expression
and
to
strengthen
our
capacity
for
self-acceptance.
We
also
learn
ways
of
using
music
to
develop
comfort
and
familiarity
with
our
feelings.
This
can
help
us
move
through
our
painful
and
discomforting feelings. So, to make fuller use of music is to bring ourselves to the joys of fuller and happier living.
A) GOALS AND GAINS FROM MUSICAL EXPRESSION
1. To promote habits of Spontaneity.
2. To reinforce the habits of Self-Acceptance.
3. To lift our mood
4. To identify present Feelings and become more comfortable with them.
5. To help us face and move through unpleasant or painful feelings.
6. To promote “grounding” or “centering.”
B) BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE
1) To promote habits of Spontaneity:
The
primary
goal
of
this
exercise
is
to
develop
ease
with
spontaneous,
musical
expression.
We
can
hum,
sing,
whistle,
tar-
la-la,
chant.
We
use
whatever
form
of
expression
comes
naturally.
We
may
swing
from
one
form
to
another,
but
we
give
spontaneous
expression.
We
do
not
inhibit
ourselves
with
fussing
about
hitting
notes
precisely.
The
more
enthusiasm
in
our
expression, the greater the benefit!
It
will
help
if
we
keep
in
mind
that
within
us,
at
every
moment
in
time,
there
is
a
tune,
and
that
tune
will
reveal
our
feeling
state
of
the
moment.
To
word
it
another
way:
we
always
have
feelings,
which
may
vary
from
moment
to
moment,
and which can be revealed to us through musical expression. Why? Because music is the language of feelings!
Many
of
us
begin
by
humming,
whistling,
tra-la-laing
along
to
the
music
to
which
we
are
listening.
And
that
is
fine.
It
is
important
that
we
identify
the
feeling
evidenced
in
our
musical
expression
-
and
that
we
accept
it.
No
judging!
But
listening!!
Once
comfortably
able
to
sing
or
hum
-
whatever
-
along
to
music
to
which
we
listen,
we
eventually
give
expression
spontaneously. We risk giving voice to our mood of the moment.
When
I
do
this,
first
thing
in
the
morning,
I
am
reminded
of
some
machine
reluctantly
warming
up.
It
may
take
a
few
trials,
and
some
moments
before
I
settle
in
on
the
one
tune
which
expresses
my
genuine
mood.
But
the
tune
is
there!
I
cannot
emphasize
too
much
the
importance
of
spontaneous
expression,
free
of
judging
or
censoring.
A
helpful
attitude to adopt is one of “This is what I am feeling right now and that is just how it is!”
2) To reinforce habits of Self-Acceptance
Self-Acceptance is the companion of Self-Affirmation, in terms of those powerful habits which allow us to mature
- And to mature is to develop, and make use of, our abilities as human beings.
Self-acceptance
is
a
habit
which
also
frees
us
from
unwarranted
self
critical
guilt.
The
key
element
here
is
to
“express
spontaneously
and
to
accept.”
It
cannot
be
emphasized
too
much,
that
when
we
express
ourselves
musically
we
silently
emphasize
the
attitude
of
“These
are
my
feelings
right
now,
and
that
is
OK!”
We
endorse
and
accept
what
we
feel.
When
we
express ourselves, we “give ownership” to what we are experiencing!
We
have
the
ability
to
accept
ourselves.
It
is
like
a
muscle.
If
we
exercise
acceptance,
it
grows
stronger.
The
stronger
our
habit
of
self-acceptance,
the
more
we
take
charge
of
our
own
lives
-
the
more
we
empower
ourselves
to
the
benefit
of
ourselves and all who are involved in our lives.
By
now
we
can
see
that
self-acceptance
is
not
passive
resignation.
Acceptance
calls
for
active
awareness;
it
promotes
active
choice.
Acceptance
is
also
essential
for
trusting.
Acceptance
allows
us
to
adopt
an
inner
attitude
and
state
of
“letting
go
and
allowing.”
This
is
essential
if
we
are
to
profit
from
right-brain
experiences
like
intuition
and
instinct
and
the
spiritual.
Wise
people
have
also
observed:
“The
body
does
not
heal
until
it
surrenders
(equals
trust).”
So
there
is
much
for
us
to
gain through our self acceptance.
I
have
had
vivid
personal
experience
with
the
relatedness
of
an
attitude
of
trust
and
acceptance
to
surrendering
and
healing.
When
I
was
on
staff
in
a
tuberculosis
sanitarium,
two
young
men
of
the
same
age
and
with
the
same
degree
of
pathology
were
admitted
to
the
sanitarium.
One
simply
accepted
the
fact
that
he
was
there
to
be
helped.
He
went
along
with
the
treatment;
his
treatment
proceeded
uneventfully
with
an
early
discharge
after
healing
of
the
area
of
tuberculosis.
The
other
man
had
an
inability
to
trust
and
accept.
Whatever
procedure
was
tried,
in
an
effort
to
promote
healing,
he
developed
some
kind
of
complication.
By
the
time
the
trusting
person
had
healed
and
was
discharged,
the
other
had more problems rather than fewer.
I
have
seen
this
lack
of
trust
repeatedly
interfere
with
healing
in
medicine
and
other
areas
of
life.
Once
again,
wise
people
have observed that neither the body nor the spirit heals until it surrenders, and surrender means trust and acceptance.
3) Musical expression to lift mood
Probably
most
of
us
have
had
the
experience
of
deliberately
playing,
or
listening
to
some
piece
of
music
to
lift
our mood. If we go beyond listening, and give vocal expression to the music, the mood-lifting effect is increased.
If
I
am
feeling
draggy
and
lacking
in
energy,
I
can
count
on
the
enthusiastic
musical
expression
of
“Land
of
Hope
and
Glory”
to bring me alive and into a better feeling state. We all have our own favourites. Try yours!!
4) Identify our present feelings
and help us become more comfortable with our mood
When
learning
to
identify
feelings
through
music,
we
can
begin
by
listening
to
music
that
we
know
arouses
a
specific
feeling
within
us.
It
is
important
to
identify
and
to
name
the
feeling
stirred
up
by
the
music.
By
naming
it,
we
experience
it
more
fully.
The
more
fully
we
experience
it,
the
more
we
help
ourselves
become
comfortable
with
that
feeling.
Then
we
continue
with
the
musical
expression,
while
silently
remaining
aware
and
restating
to
ourselves
again
and
again
the
feeling
state
accompanying the music.
Those
of
us
who
ruminate
and
brood
by
habit
can
often
find
ourselves
experiencing
anxiety
-
with
that
anxiety
being
a
great
impostor!
I
can
well
recall
ruminating,
brooding
and
being
in
a
worried
and
anxious
state
one
day.
Then
I
spontaneously
began
to
express
myself
musically
and,
lo
and
behold,
I
discovered
that
I
was
actually
in
quite
a
happy
mood.
The
anxiety
evoked
by
the
habit
of
silently
thinking,
ruminating
and
brooding,
was
a
phony
feeling.
My
musical expression revealed the true state of my being, in terms of feelings at that time.
Most
of
us
have
a
habit
of
being
aware
of
what
we
think
because
we
are
trained
in
school
to
think.
We
almost
always
have
some
feeling
associated
with
the
thought.
If
we
ask
ourselves
“What
do
I
feel?”,
we
are
more
apt
to
awaken
ourselves
to
our feeling of the moment.
Thoughts
can
mislead
us,
in
terms
of
our
underlying
feelings
-
thus
this
exercise
on
spontaneous
musical
expression.
Again,
we
are
often
surprised
when
we
identify
the
actual
mood
behind
our
thoughts.
To
repeat,
“Music
is
the
language
of feeling!”
Each
time
we
awaken
to
a
particular
feeling,
through
musical
expression,
we
become
more
familiar
with
that
feeling.
With
repeated expression and increased familiarity, we become more comfortable with the feeling.
The
pay-off
in
growing
more
comfortable
with
the
feeling
is
that
we
will
awaken
earlier
to
its
presence.
If
we
are
awake
to
and aware of a feeling, we are in a position to take charge of the feeling, not so vulnerable to being taken over by it.
Anger
is
the
most
troublesome
of
the
feelings
which
can
burst
out
of
control.
So
the
more
comfortable
we
become
with
our
anger
(a
very
natural
feeling),
the
quicker
we
are
to
awaken
to
its
presence.
The
quicker
we
are
to
awaken,
the
smaller and less intense that anger is apt to be - therefore, it will be easier to manage.
There
is
a
good
deal
of
energy
with
anger
and
for
us
to
take
charge
of
it,
to
contain
it,
to
decide
about
mode
and
direction
of expression, is to act to our advantage.
5) To Move Through unpleasant or painful feelings
Our
painful
feeling
states
include
anger,
sorrow,
anxiety
and
hurt.
The
more
comfortable
we
become
with
these
feelings,
the
more
familiar,
the
better
able
we
are
to
exercise
our
choice
in
terms
of
their
expression.
We
are
less
apt
to find these feelings taking over in an uncontained and undirected way which is always to our disadvantage.
If
we
are
angry
or
anxious,
we
can
use
enthusiastic
and
spontaneous
musical
expression
to
move
those
feelings
through
and
out
of
our
system
-
evident
in
pop
music
today.
We
probably
all
have
some
familiarity
in
giving
direction
to
the
expression
of
anger.
To
express
it
musically
into
the
four
winds
is
one
of
the
safer
and
more
effective
ways
of
doing
this.
Since
anxiety
is
usually
a
signal
of
something
not
being
expressed,
to
march
into
spontaneous
musical
expression,
while
paying
attention
to
feelings
and
thoughts
arising,
is
to
give
ourselves
an
opportunity
to
waken
and
take
charge
of what it is we are anxiously not expressing.
If
we
want
to
lift
ourselves
from
an
unpleasant
feeling
state,
we
simply
use
our
voice
to
express
ourselves.
We
start
where
we
are,
with
the
disagreeable
mood,
accept
it
and
keep
on
expressing.
Then
we
usually
find
ourselves
moving
through,
and
out
of,
the
unpleasant
mood
state
and
into
a
more
agreeable
one.
We
have
not
avoided
the
unpleasant
feeling. We have gone “into and through” it, faced it and flushed it out, through musical expression.
With
respect
to
the
more
vulnerable
moods
of
sorrow,
longing
and
pain,
we
want
to
be
able
to
allow
these
feelings
to
wash
through
us.
So,
we
simply
give
our
full
attention
to
the
feeling,
as
we
reinforce
our
experience
of
it
through
musical
expression.
This
allows
us
to
emote
(give
expression
to)
that
feeling
-
often
with
tears
-
and
come
out
of
the
discomfort
to
a
quiet
place
of
detachment.
We
are
gentle
with
ourselves
as
we
softly,
quietly
identify
painful
feelings
and vent them through music. “Music is the language of feelings.”
6) To promote “grounding” and “centering”
For
those
not
familiar
with
these
terms,
they
refer
to
our
being
cool
and
objective,
awake
to
what
is
happening
around
us
and
within
us,
while
containing
our
feeling
reactions.
We
are
calmly
aware
of
where
our
best
interests
lie,
better
able to make the best decision for ourselves while taking charge of our feelings.
We
can
deliberately
use
musical
expression
to
help
ourselves
become,
and
remain
“grounded.”
We
do
this
by
vocalizing,
over and over again, a piece of music which promotes a sense of calm within.
Oral Hershiser, the pitching sensation of the 1988
World
Series
provides
a
great
example.
Hershiser
apparently
sang
between
innings,
when
not
pitching.
He
deliberately
and
vigorously
sang
specific
music.
He
was
able
to
make
fuller
use
of
his
pitching
abilities
because
that
music
evoked
a
sense
of
calm
and
strength
and
“grounded”
him.
He
prevented
himself
from
becoming
distracted
or
anxious
by
deliberately
and
vigorously singing certain music.
We
can
do
the
same.
We
can
choose
our
music;
express
it
over
and
over
again
to
promote
a
sense
of
calm
and
strength
within
ourselves.
And
we
can
do
it
with
the
quiet
attitude
of
“This
is
what
I
am
feeling
right
now
-
this
is
my
mood
-
and
that is OK!”
Exercise 2
VOICING OF THOUGHTS
“A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within — yet he dismisses
without notice his thought, because it is his — we but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which
each of us represents — trust thyself!”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self Reliance”
If
we
are
able
to
live
our
lives
fully
and
powerfully,
we
do
so
by
being
ourselves
-
with
enthusiasm.
Faking
it,
pleasing
others
and stifling our true selves - these are simply a waste of our time and life.
This
exercise
consists
of
stating
aloud
anything
and
everything
upon
which
our
attention
or
mind
is
focused.
We
state
aloud
spontaneously,
with
no
judging
or
editing,
and
without
questioning
whether
or
not
it
makes
sense.
There
seems to be no safer, more effective practice in “being who I am” than this voicing exercise.
And
our
thought
is
not
really
owned
or
valued
by
ourselves
until
we
have
voiced
it
and
heard
it.
It
is
our
truth
of
the
moment.
When
voicing
we
state
and
accept
any
and
every
thing!
This
attitude
of
acceptance
is
important
to
achieve
the
desired spontaneity and self valuing.
Naturally,
we
do
not
practice
this
exercise
in
a
crowd.
We
look
for
opportunities
to
give
voice
when
we
are
alone.
This
makes
sense because we are doing the exercise for our own ears, our own gains.
We
will
benefit
more
if
we
adopt
a
curious
and
good-
humored
attitude
while
practicing.
We
practice
repeatedly
until
we can voice for minutes on end.
Remember,
we
state
aloud
any
and
everything
upon
which
our
attention
is
focused
-
a
vocal
free
association
or
stream of consciousness. Whatever crosses our mind - thought, fantasy, feeling, memory - we say it.
No
censoring
or
editing!
We
want
to
give
free
expression
to
what
we
are
experiencing
right
now
because
this
reveals
to
us
aspects
of
who
we
are,
right
now.
If
we
want
to
be
ourselves,
there
is
no
easier
place
to
start
than
with
the
expression of the part of ourselves that we are aware of right now.
Does
it
not
make
sense
to
accept
what
we
hear?
We
are
simply
putting
words
to
those
aspects
of
our
self
which
we
are
conscious of right now.
As
we
continue
to
voice
we
become
aware
of
more
and
more
of
our
thoughts,
feelings
and
memories.
So,
when
we
voice we awaken to more of who we are right now!
In
his
wonderful
book,
Your
Inner
Child
of
the
Past,
the
late
Dr.
Hugh
Missildine
described
our
capacity
to
be
our
own
good
parent.
We
bring
alive
this
capacity,
this
potential
within
ourselves
as
adults,
by
first
expressing,
next
accepting,
and
finally valuing our voiced experiences.
How
so?
Mature
parents
encourage
their
children
to
express
themselves
and
to
accept
and
value
their
experiences.
Good
parents
encourage
their
children
to
value
their
feelings,
needs
and
opinions
-
and
to
respect
the
right
of
others to do the same.
As
adults
we
have
the
experience
and
the
ability
to
value
ourselves
-
our
feelings
and
needs,
our
experiences
and
opinions.
Unless
we
exercise
this
capacity
to
“be
our
own
good
parent”
and
to
accept
and
value
ourselves,
we
do
not
mature as empowered human beings. (See the section on “acceptance” in Exercise 1.)
To
voice
spontaneously,
to
accept
and
value,
is
to
enjoy
who
we
are!
Look
for
the
pleasure
to
be
found
in
self
expression!
A) GOALS AND GAINS OF VOICING THOUGHTS
1. To promote freer, more spontaneous self-expression
2. To promote self acceptance
3. To promote objectivity
4. To “mine” the subconscious
5. To value and affirm one’s self
6. To trust one’s judgment
7. To free ourselves from obsessing and brooding
8. To vent our feelings and resolve problems
9. To promote insight and awareness
Objectivity
means
to
stand
back
and
look
at
what
we
are
doing.
Stating
aloud
what
is
on
our
mind
promotes
objectivity;
remaining
silent
promotes
subjectivity.
So,
to
gain
objectivity,
we
state
aloud
what
our
attention
is
focused
upon,
with
no
censoring.
Any sound alerts the nervous system. The sound of our voice wakens us to what we are expressing.
This
brings
into
action
our
“listener”-
our
capacity
to
examine
and
reflect
upon
what
we
hear.
This
is
what
we
gain
when
we
voice
and
own
our
reactions.
This
experience
incidentally,
is
basic
to
having
some
humour
around
our
own
frailties.
To
encourage
even
more
objectivity,
we
refer
to
ourselves
by
name,
or
as
“you.”
For
example,
“Bill!
Where
did
you
leave
those
papers?”
The
“I”
and
“me”
promote
subjectivity,
while
your
name
and
“you”
promote
objectivity.
We
voice to strengthen our objectivity, to regain lost objectivity, to see ourselves with humour.
4. “Mine” the subconscious
In this book I do not differentiate between the words
unconscious
and
subconscious.
When
I
use
subconscious
I
am
referring
to
any
personal
data
of
which
we
are
not
aware:
memories, feelings, thoughts, needs, and so on.
Voicing
promotes
what
we
refer
to
as
the
“mining”
of
the
subconscious:
bringing
into
consciousness
the
data
that
resides
in our subconscious - from the depths to the surface!
Spontaneous,
uncensored
self-expression
-
also
called
free
association
or
flow
of
consciousness
-
results
in
the
opening
of
this
treasure
chest
of
data
that
lies
within
the
subconscious.
By
bringing
into
awareness
memories,
feelings
and
insights,
we
suddenly
see
the
picture
more
fully
and
more
clearly.
The
more
we
know,
the
more
objective
we
can
be!
This
is
one
of
the most powerful gains to be had from spontaneous voicing.
I
voice
whenever
I
am
troubled
and
unaware
of
the
cause
of
my
distress.
For
example,
when
anxious,
I
may
start
to
walk
and
voice
and
something
like
this
evolves:
“Bill!
You
are
feeling
anxious
and
you
do
not
like
it.
What
is
going
on?
You
were
looking
at
your
bank
statements.
You
are
frustrated
by
Harry.
You
hate
the
anxiety.
You
really
hate
it.
You
let
Harry
frustrate
you.
You
feel
guilty
about
the
encounter
with
Harry,
and
you
are
back
into
that
pattern
of
taking
on
more
than
your
share
of
responsibility
for
what
happens.
Knock
it
off!
Mind
your
own
business
and
let
Harry
assume
responsibility for himself.”
In
this
way,
the
source
of
our
anxiety
becomes
apparent.
What
we
can
do
about
it
-
or
are
helpless
to
influence
-
is
also obvious. And we are not aware of this until we voice. For many, walking and moving
physically, while voicing, allows for freer and fuller mining of the subconscious.
5. Value and affirm oneself
All
of
our
experiences
have
relevance
for
our
own
lives.
Some
have
more
importance
than
others,
but
all
are
relevant.
It is all important to develop the habit of valuing our own experiences.
By
repeatedly
valuing
our
experiences
we
will
come
to
respect
ourselves
and
our
own
truth.
Each
one
of
us
is
having
our
own
experiences
at
any
moment
in
time.
That
is
how
it
is!
We
mature
by
developing
habits
of
respect
for
our
own
experiences. We deserve to exercise and enjoy this capacity.
There
is
no
need
to
allow
ourselves
to
be
bullied
by
the
different
experience
of
that
other
person.
We
do
not
throw
away
our own experience out of fear that we will be different. We dare to be ourselves - as does the other person.
As
Thoreau
said:
“If
a
man
does
not
keep
pace
with
his
companions,
perhaps
it
is
because
he
hears
a
different
drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
While
spontaneously
voicing
we
can,
for
example,
consciously
add,
“That
has
value
for
you,
Mary.
It
may
not
be
Charlie’s
experience, but it is yours!”
Thinking
is
merely
the
preparation
for
being.
Thinking
is
not
being.
We
own
a
thought
when
we
state
it
aloud,
for
our
own
ears. We own and value it even more fully when we risk expressing it to another.
6. Trust one’s judgment
“Judge
but
do
not
be
judgmental”
is
the
goal.
Rather
than
judging
the
other
person,
we
state
our
reaction
and
we
state
what our own experience tells us.
The
word
“judgment”
is
sometimes
given
a
negative
connotation
in
the
modern
world.
We
are
not
supposed
to
be
“judgmental.”
But
to
fail
to
exercise
our
own
best
judgment
is
to
make
ourselves
really
vulnerable
to
suffer
at
the
hands
of others.
We
ourselves
are
in
the
best
position
to
know
what
lies
in
our
best
interest
so
it
is
important
for
us
to
sincerely
listen
to
ourselves.
To
use
our
judgment
is
to
assess
the
data
from
the
world
and
to
attend
to
our
own
feelings
and
data
from
our
subconscious.
We
can
better
see
where
our
own
best
interest
lies,
then
make
a
decision
and
act.
We
are
social,
group-
living animals, so to exercise our best interest is to take others into account.
When
voicing
and
actively
accepting
and
valuing,
we
are
developing
objectivity
and
exercising
our
judgment.
Judgment
is
like a muscle: the more we exercise our judgment, the stronger it becomes.
The
stronger
it
becomes,
the
more
promptly
it
comes
into
action.
The
more
it
comes
into
action,
the
more
benefit
there is for us. The more often we benefit, the more we trust our judgment. So enjoy the exercise of your ability to judge.
Trusting
our
judgment
is
a
necessary
ingredient
in
taking
a
stand
for
ourselves
and
in
developing
the
courage
of
our
convictions.
These
habits
serve
us
well
in
terms
of
the
respect
we
give
ourselves
and
gain
from
others.
Then
we
are
able to hold different views - to dare to differ. Only then can we live fully.
If
we
have
not
learned
to
exercise
and
trust
our
judgment,
we
can
be
intimidated.
Then
we
back
down
in
the
face
of
opposition
or
criticism
and
do
not
act
in
our
own
best
interests.
When
we
desert
ourselves
and
abandon
our
ship,
we
unhappily lose respect for ourselves. It is more important to be respected than to be popular.
7. Free ourselves from obsessing and brooding
Too
much
thinking,
without
vocal
expression,
leaves
us
vulnerable
to
patterns
of
brooding
and
obsessing.
When
we
silently
dwell
upon
things,
we
tend
to
go
over
the
same
matters
time
and
time
again.
We
lose
objectivity.
When
this
happens
we
give
up
control
and
fall
prey
to
uncertainty.
This
opens
the
door
to
anxiety
and
loss
of
confidence.
Once
anxious, we tend to amplify the possibilities of disaster. Anxiety then escalates.
When
we
brood
and
obsess
we
fall
into
patterns
of
self-criticism,
worry,
and
guilt.
These
are
a
waste
of
time
and
energy.
They
are
draining
and
incapacitating.
So,
we
need
a
way
to
free
ourselves
from
the
clutches
of
habitual
obsessing
and
brooding.
We
can
free
ourselves
if
we
voice,
then
deliberately
“tease
and
exaggerate.”
That
will
take
us
into
the
teeth
of
our
obsessing.
The
worry
or
self-criticism
or
guilt
becomes
ridiculous
and
the
obsessing
is
interrupted.
We
regain
our objectivity and the sense of control which comes with it.
Here
is
an
example
of
teasing
and
the
use
of
exaggeration.
I
will
imagine
myself
being
obsessively
self-critical.
I
launch
into
deliberate
exaggeration
while
teasing
myself:
“Bill!
You
really
botched
up
that
piece
of
work!
Look
at
the
mess
you’ve
made!
Nobody
else
in
this
office
botches
work
like
you
do!
Charlie,
Rose,
Mary,
Harry
-
none
of
them
can
make
the
mistakes
you
make!
You
are
the
office
champion!
And
look
at
all
the
people
in
your
condo
unit
-
none
of
them
match
you
when
it
comes
to
making
boo-boos!
You
are
the
best
in
the
city!
In
the
world!”
On
it
goes,
more
and
more
exaggeration
until it becomes ridiculous to our own ears. Objectivity is then regained.
And
the
same
can
be
applied
to
worrying
to
excess:
“You
are
going
to
break
a
leg!
There
may
be
a
flood!
Your
apartment
house
will
float
away!
Come
on!
Let’s
get
into
some
big-time
worries!”
Again,
a
deliberate
teasing
and
exaggeration
until
the worry becomes ridiculous and objectivity returns.
This
process
will
need
to
be
employed
time
and
time
again
because
the
old
habit
will
not
die
easily.
But
each
time
we
tease
and
exaggerate,
the
more
effective
it
becomes.
We
gain
confidence
that
we
do
have
a
way
out
of
obsessing.
Then
our life becomes simpler and more enjoyable. Teasing and exaggerating can also be fun.
8. Vent our feelings and resolve problems
The use of voicing can be directed to problem solving and to the resolution of painful life experiences.
When
we
honestly
and
emphatically
voice
whatever
is
on
our
mind,
we
come
face-to-face
with
our
feelings
and
have
the
opportunity
to
vent
and
resolve
them.
We
can
draw
upon
previously
subconscious
information
about
ourselves.
We
can
“mine
our
subconscious”
and
have
more
data
from
which
to
exercise
our
own
good
judgment.
We
gain
objectivity
and
see
more
options
for
ourselves.
We
awaken
to
help
that
we
require
from
others.
We
remember
those
allies
we
have.
And
we can make use of the opportunity to learn and change and grow from all this.
When
distressed,
I
usually
go
for
a
walk
and
spontaneously
start
voicing.
As
I
persevere,
I
succeed
in
venting
my
locked-up feelings, and I awaken to what has caused my discomfort. With
more
information
emerging,
I
am
better
able
to
see
what
I
need
to
accept,
and
what
I
can
act
upon.
Sometimes,
simply
as
a
result
of
venting
and
facing
the
problem, it is taken care of. No action required!
9. Promote insight and awareness
As
we
voice,
we
become
more
aware
of
ourselves
and
gain
insights
about
ourselves,
others,
and
our
lives.
It
can
be
worthwhile
to
check
out
our
awareness
and
insights
so
that
we
can
test
our
experiences
against
those
of
others.
This
does
not
mean
that
we
discard
our
experiences
and
perceptions
when
others
do
not
agree.
But
we
often
gain
by
hearing
of
the
experiences
of
others.
The
more
information
we
have,
the
smarter
we
can
be.
We
can
digest
the
experiences
of others and still exercise our own judgment.
We
require
the
ability
to
express
ourselves
openly
with
others
if
we
are
to
have
friends.
Voicing
our
thoughts
is
risk-free
practice
in
being
spontaneous,
open
and
honest
with
ourselves.
This
is
rehearsal
for
the
same
openness
with
others.
Friendly
people
can
only
be
friends
if
we
are
open
with
them,
let
them
see
what
we
think
and
feel
and
need
-
who
we
are. Voicing can prepare us.
Exercise 3
ATTITUDE TOWARDS MISTAKES AND FAILURES
“For he that naught n’assaieth, naught n’achieveth”
(“Nothing ventured, nothing gained”)
- Chaucer
The
only
people
who
have
never
made
a
mistake
are
the
people
who
have
never
tried,
who
have
never
risked
involving themselves in living.
By
expressing
ourselves
openly,
we
discover
where
we
stand
and
what
we
feel
at
this
moment
in
time.
This
enables
us
to
see
who
we
are,
what
we
know
and
do
not
know
—
if
we
take
advantage
of
the
feedback
we
receive
from
others
as
well
as
insights offered from our own capacity for self- observation and objectivity.
We
do
not
learn
when
things
work
out
as
planned.
We
learn
when
things
do
not
work
out
-
when
our
plan
fails,
when
our
expectation
is
not
met.
So,
it
is
important
to
not
neuter
ourselves
with
unholy
self
criticism.
When
things
go
according
to
plan,
life
is
smooth.
When
plans
fail,
when
we
make
errors
and
mistakes,
we
are
awakened
by
our
pain
and
have
opportunity to learn. Pain is the great “awakener!”
Many
of
us
lapse
into
wasteful
self-criticism
when
we
fail
or
make
mistakes.
Those
of
us
who
are
harsh
critics
of
ourselves
tend
to
be
severe
with
others
-
an
impediment
to
getting
along
in
this
world!
Charity
begins
at
home.
By
working at overcoming our severe self-criticism, we criticize others less, and they benefit also.
This
Exercise
is
designed
to
help
us
move
away
from
self-
criticism
and
back
to
objectivity.
It
is
designed
to
direct
attention
to
what
we
can
learn
from
our
mistakes
and
failures.
Then
we
get
on
with
our
lives
-
hopefully
with
some
humor
at
our
own lack of perfection.
A) GOALS AND GAINS
1. To develop our capacity to accept and learn from our mistakes, failures and shortcomings
2. To eventually replace wasteful habits of self-blame and self-criticism
3. To grow out of the habit of criticizing others unduly
4. To promote Self Acceptance, and hopefully, a capacity to laugh at self
B) BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE
1. To accept and learn from our mistakes:
Whenever
we
find
ourselves
being
self-condemning,
or
holding
back
for
fear
of
failure,
we
can
practice
saying
aloud
-
and
for our own ears - one or more of these three statements:
• “This is not my first mistake and it will not be my
Last”
• “I can learn from my mistakes”
• “I do not need any guff from myself or anyone else”
Implicit
in
these
three
statements
is
a
healthier
attitude
towards
our
shortcomings,
mistakes
and
failures.
Each
time
we
make
these
statements
aloud,
with
determination
in
our
voice,
we
implant
and
reinforce
these
healthier
attitudes
in
our
subconscious. And as these attitudes are absorbed and integrated, they become our new and healthier habits.
The
word
“guff”
dates
me.
But
I
find
it
very
effective
to
denote
criticism.
We
can
choose
to
use
whatever
words
we
wish
to
drive home the sense of the statements.
The
first
of
the
three
statements
(“this
is
not
my
first
mistake
and
it
will
not
be
my
last”)
reminds
us
that
none
of
us
are
perfect,
that
mistakes
and
shortcomings
and
errors
are
simply
the
evidence
that
we
are
involved
in
living
and
learning.
The
second
statement
(“I
can
learn
from
my
mistakes”)
directs
our
attention
to
what
we
need
to
learn
or
change.
We
use
the statement to encourage ourselves to profit from our errors by learning and changing where indicated.
The
third
statement
(“I
do
not
need
any
guff
from
myself
or
anyone
else”)
awakens
us
to
the
waste
of
time
and
energy
which
is
one
aspect
of
self-
condemnation.
It
helps
us
redirect
our
attention
and
energy
to
learning
and
changing.
The
statement
also
frees
us
from
making
ourselves
vulnerable
to
the
abuse
which
others
might
be
happy
to
inflict upon us.
2. To replace wasteful habits of self-blame:
As
the
new
habits
grow,
we
find
ourselves
less
and
less
caught
up
in
old
habits
of
self-blame
and
self-criticism.
When
and
if
we
do
lapse
into
the
old
habits,
we
are
quicker
to
recognize
them
and
have
a
remedy
on
hand.
The
remedy?
The
voicing
of
one or more of the above three statements.
In
the
early
stages
of
voicing
these
three
statements,
we
may
find
that
they
do
not
stem
the
flood
of
self-abuse.
The
more
energy
and
determination
we
put
into
our
voice,
the
more
effective
the
statements.
With
persistence
and
repetition,
the
sense
of
these
statements
grows
stronger.
They
come
alive
as
our
new
and
habitual
reactions
-
incorporated
into
our
subconscious.
Practice may not make perfect, but practice does make habits!
3.
To
grow
out
of
the
habit
of
criticizing
others
unduly:
As
we
grow
out
of
self-criticism,
we
also
grow
out
of
habits
of
criticizing
other
people.
Self-critical
habits
underlay
habits
of
being
excessively
critical
of
others
-
not
a
pleasant
or
constructive habit!
4. To promote Self Acceptance,
and hopefully a capacity to laugh at ourselves
Acceptance
of
us
accompanies
the
loss
of
habits
of
self-criticism.
As
we
read
Exercise
1
(Music
and
Mood),
we
see
how
this
also promotes acceptance of ourselves. So, attending to Exercise 1 complements gains from the above exercise, Exercise 3.
Similarly,
Exercise
2
(Voicing
of
Thoughts)
complements
gains
from
Exercise
3.
It
does
so
in
two
ways:
by
simple
acceptance
of
what
we
are
experiencing
at
any
moment
in
time
and
particularly
by
the
use
of
Teasing
and
Exaggerating
to
move
into and through self-criticism.
In
Exercise
2,
Voicing
of
Thoughts,
and
section
7,
I
gave
an
explicit
illustration
of
the
use
of
Teasing
and
Exaggerating
to
help us face, move into and then through self criticism.
Exercise 4
SELF APPRECIATION
This
is
the
exercise
with
which
most
people
start,
as
they
work
from
this
book
and
for
good
reason.
The
habit
of
recognizing and valuing the simple use of our abilities is pivotal if we are to become self-affirming adults.
We
all
achieve
many
things
each
day.
If
we
are
to
develop
our
capacity
to
function
as
self-respecting
adults,
we
awaken
to,
own and respect, our every achievement - however small.
This
exercise
is
not
about
bragging.
Neither
is
it
about
undue
modesty.
It
is
about
being
awake
to
the
use
we
make
of
our
abilities,
and
owning
this.
It
is
about
noting
“what
is
in
the
glass”
rather
than
“what
is
not
in
the
glass”,
as
we
watch
ourselves
in
action
everyday.
It
is
about
stating
to
ourselves
“Charlie,
what
an
improvement
to
your
room!”,
as
opposed
to an attitude of “Charlie, your room still looks like a mess” - Charlie having spent time tidying his room!
We
deserve
to
be
enthusiastic
about
our
accomplishments.
It
was
Emerson
who
said
“nothing
great
was
ever
achieved
without
enthusiasm.”
So,
to
give
voice
enthusiastically,
and
for
our
own
ears,
allows
us
to
gain
even
more
benefit
from
the
recognition of our accomplishments.
There
are
some
well
known
metaphors
which
come
to
mind
when
reflecting
on
the
importance
of
developing
the
habit
of
noting
and
owning
our
achievements:
“little
things
mean
a
lot”
-
“every
little
bit
counts”
-
“great
oaks
from
little
acorns grow” - “be grateful for small mercies.” These are but a few of many which might occur to the reader.
A) GOALS AND GAINS
1) To Recognize and Appreciate our Accomplishments
2) To Exercise our Judgment
3) To grow out of inhibiting Self-Consciousness, out of habits of excessive and inhibiting Concern about “Them”
4) To gain Self-Confidence
5) To become more Appreciative of Others
B) BASICS
1)
To
Recognize
and
Appreciate
our
Accomplishments
When
we
are
awake
to
the
use
of
our
abilities
in
the
course
of
a
day,
we
have
the
opportunity
to
Value
our
achievements
and
that
is
the
aim
of
this
exercise
-
to
develop
the
habit
of
acknowledging and valuing, to ourselves, our every achievement and accomplishment.
Since
practice
and
repetitive
practice
helps
develop
a
new
habit,
we
do
not
limit
ourselves
to
recognition
of
“big
things.”
We
start
owning
even
our
smallest
achievements
because
we
want
to
practice
and
practice
so
that
recognition
of
our
accomplishments
becomes
“second
nature”
-
habit!
For
example,
to
simply
arise
in
the
morning
and
to
wash
one’s
face is an accomplishment. When practicing this exercise, nothing can be too trivial if it is real.
It
is
through
repetitive
valuing
of
our
achievements
that
we
grow
to
become
self-affirming
adults.
Once
self-
affirmation
has
been
incorporated
as
a
habit,
we
will
have
developed
one
of
the
cornerstones
of
genuine
Self-
Confidence.
2) Exercising and Trusting Our Judgment
Every
time
we
recognize
and
own
a
concrete
use
of
our
abilities,
we
exercise
our
judgment.
The
faculty
of
judgment
is
like
a
muscle:
the
more
often
we
exercise
it,
the
stronger
it
grows.
This
becomes
a
bonus
as
we
affirm
ourselves
time
and
time again.
We
are
best
off
in
this
life
if
we
exercise
and
trust
our
own
judgment.
No
one
is
wearing
our
shoes
so
no
other
person
knows
as
well
as
we
do
what
we
are
feeling
and
needing
at
any
point
in
time.
We
ourselves
are
best
equipped
to
make
decisions and to exercise judgment about what is in our own best interest.
3) Growing out of Inhibiting Self-Consciousness
To
be
self-conscious
is
to
be
unduly
concerned
about
the
approval
of
others.
As
children
we
have
limited
experience
in
life.
We
then
tend
to
listen
more,
to
rely
more
upon
the
advice
and
teaching
of
those
with
more
experience.
But
we
suffer
from
self-consciousness,
when
as
adults,
we
look
to
“them”
for
approval
and
rely
upon
their
estimate
of
our
achievements - rather than upon our own.
In
a
very
real
way,
as
a
self-conscious
adult,
we
are
stuck
in
a
most
frustrating
and
inhibiting
child-like
attitude
towards our own judgment and the opinion of others.
To
recognize
and
value
our
own
abilities
is
to
exercise
and
develop
our
adult
potential
to
affirm
ourselves.
As
we
grow
into
stronger
habits
of
self-affirmation,
our
old
self-consciousness
melts
away.
It
is
replaced
by
healthy
self-regard.
The
example given in the previous subsection 2) spells this out.
4) Self-Confidence
This comes from a combination of habits of affirming ourselves and of exercising and trusting our own judgment.
Self-confident
people
exercise
their
own
judgment,
make
decisions
in
their
own
best
interest,
and
grow
to
be
self-
reliant.
Some
people
confuse
Independence
with
Self-
Reliance.
From
my
experience,
those
who
seek
independence
hold
the
erroneous
view
that,
as
humans,
we
do
not
need
other
people.
Experience
tells
us
that
humans
need
one
another
if
they
are
to
survive,
much
less
thrive.
To
be
self-reliant
is
to
develop
our
own
abilities
as
fully
as
possible
and
to
rely
upon others as the situation demands.
5) Develop Appreciation of Others
As
we
habitually
come
to
appreciate
ourselves,
we
are
then
much
more
apt
to
appreciate
others
as
well.
“Charity
begins
at
home.”
So,
as
we
grow
into
habits
of
self-appreciation,
this
spreads
into
habits
of
appreciating
others.
I
have
often
noted
that
the
person
who
is
self-conscious,
lacking
the
habit
of
self-
appreciation,
is
a
person
who
is
apt
to
not
see
what
there
is
to
be
genuinely
valued
in
another
person.
So
in
this
way
as
well,
working
at
self-development
pays dividend for others. It is not a selfish pursuit.
And
many
people
do
not
become
trusting
of
and
able
to
accept
good
will
or
praise
from
others
before
first
acquiring
habits of self appreciation. “If I do not value myself, how can I trust praise from others?”
C) DAILY PRACTICE
Use
of
a
Log
Book
(see
Chapter
4)
is
recommended.
We
take
five
minutes
each
morning
to
simply
remind
ourselves
what
this
exercise
is
all
about.
Then,
each
evening,
we
review
our
day
and
set
as
a
goal
remembering
five
things
which
we
did
appreciate about ourselves during the course of the day.
It
is
important
to
make
brief
entries
in
the
Log
Book,
along
with
the
date.
We
make
entries
concerning
a)
items
appreciated
and
remembered
-
whether
we
met
the
goal
of
5
or
not;
b)
the
degree
of
comfort
and
ease
which
we
find
in
recalling
and
c)
the exact nature of any discomfort or obstacles to either remembering or comfortably owning our achievements.
To
make
these
entries
gives
us
a
clearer
picture
of
where
we
are
starting
from.
We
build
on
that
base.
Now!
What
about examples?
“You made a great cup of coffee!” “Neat shave!”
“The house really is in good order now!” “You had a productive day at work”
“You handled that situation well!” “What a great stew!”
Our days are filled with opportunities to appreciate ourselves. Let us seize them!!
Exercise 5
FAVOURS TO OTHERS
“Not what we give, but what we share, for the gift without the giver is bare.”
- J.R. Lowell, “Vision of Sir Launfal”
Most
of
us
are
familiar
with
the
warm
hearted
pleasure
which
we
experience
when
we
are
able
to
be
of
assistance
to
others, or make a gift to others - and our pleasure in giving is shared with the pleasure of receiving by the other person.
This
chapter
is
not
written
for
those
who
find
this
simple
pleasure,
day
in
and
day
out,
without
any
experience
of
being
a
martyr
or
not
appreciated.
This
chapter
is
written
for
those
who
have
habits
of
being
compulsive
“givers.”
Someone
observed that “the disease to please promotes co-dependence.”
When
we
speak
of
“favours”
in
this
exercise,
we
have
in
mind
acts
of
consideration
and
kindness,
of
generosity
and
thoughtfulness, and friendliness. We give all of these.
Generosity
is
a
virtue
in
that
it
helps
people
get
along
better
with
one
another.
However,
we
need
to
respect
and
protect
our
own
virtues
if
we
want
them
to
be
respected
by
others.
Some
of
us
have
room
for
improvement
in
this
area.
Also, I see an unusual number of people who suffer from being “generous to a fault.”
Any
virtue
carried
to
the
extreme
can
become
a
vice.
We
need
to
take
charge
of
our
generosity
so
that
our
favours
are
valued and we avoid feeling abused and not worthy. If others do not value our generosity, what we give may be wasted.
To
say
it
again,
we
need
to
respect
and
protect
our
virtues
if
we
expect
them
to
be
respected
by
others.
We
need
to
act
upon “the gift without the giver is bare.”
Most
of
us
have
been
taught
to
acknowledge
and
express
appreciation
for
favours
extended
towards
us.
This
is
simply
a
matter
of
“good
manners”
-
one
of
those
habits
of
behaviour
which
make
it
easier
for
people
to
get
along
with
one
another.
Commonly
it
is
with
family
members
and
colleagues
with
whom
we
have
much
contact
that
“being
taken
for
granted”
slips
into
our
interaction.
If
we
continue
to
extend
favours
towards
another
person,
and
that
person
does
not
express
appreciation,
we
can
feel
like
martyrs,
can
feel
treated
as
though
we
ourselves
are
unworthy.
We
then
come
to
resent
or
to
lose
self-esteem.
And
the
recipient
can
slip
into
the
bad
habit
of
expecting
favours
whether
they
are
deserved
or not.
There
are
those
amongst
us
who
are
compulsive
givers
of
favours.
Sometimes
we
do
this
to
bolster
our
ego,
to
feel
more
important
because
we
are
giving
to
someone
else.
Others
are
compulsive
givers
in
order
to
create
a
sense
of
obligation
from
the
person
receiving.
This
allows
the
giver
to
have
some
measure
of
control
over
the
other
person.
Some
parents
do this: they give and give and give to their children and thus control their behaviour out of a sense of guilt or obligation.
One solution lies in becoming more “business like” with whomever lacks the habit of noting or appreciating our favours.
A. GOALS AND GAINS OF EXTENDING FAVOURS TO OTHERS
1) To Respect and to Savor our Generosity.
2) To Discriminate better when extending Favours.
3) To become more “business like” in our interactions.
4) To interrupt patterns of Compulsive Giving.
5) “Calling in your favours”
6) To develop Poise
B. BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE
1) To Respect and to Savor our Generosity
This
is
to
train
ourselves
as
the
“giver”
to
be
present
with,
and
to
share
our
gift.
So,
our
first
task,
is
to
train
ourselves
to
pay
attention
to,
and
to
value,
our
favours
and
acts
of
generosity
towards
others.
This
entails
showing
some
respect
for ourselves.
If
I
extend
a
favour
towards
another,
and
I
acknowledge
this
to
myself,
I
value
myself.
I
also
defuse
any
frustration
or
resentment
which
might
arise
when
and
if
the
other
person
is
not
appreciative.
I
bring
into
play
my
own
adult
potential
to
respect
myself.
I
am
not
asking
the
other
person
whether
or
not
my
favour
is
worthy
of
respect.
I
respect
it
myself.
And
if
I
give voice to my self- appreciation, I reinforce its impact.
For
example,
out
of
courtesy
we
open
doors
and
hold
doors
open
for
another
person.
Some
people
breeze
through
without
any
kind
of
recognition
or
acknowledgement
of
this
small
favour.
If
we
then
say
to
ourselves
“George,
that
was
thoughtful of you.” we defuse any potential for frustration. We might even add “I appreciated doing that for you.”
2) To Discriminate better when extending Favours.
If
we
set
ourselves
the
task
of
paying
attention
to
and
acknowledging
to
ourselves,
favours
extended
-
as
described
above
in
1),
we
gradually
waken
up
more
and
more
quickly
to
our
acts
of
generosity.
Then
we
are
better
able
to
perceive
those
people
in
our
lives
who
have
the
habit
of
expressing
appreciation
for
favours
received
and
those
who
lack that habit.
Once
we
are
awake
to
what
is
happening,
we
can
exercise
judgment
and
make
choices.
We
can
continue
to
extend
favours
to
those
who
lack
habits
of
wakening
and
appreciating.
Or,
we
can
simply
cease
being
generous
towards
them.
It
is
by
repeated
awakening
that
we
become
more
and
more
alert
to
our
own
habits.
The
more
alert
we
are,
the
more often we can exercise choice.
3) To become more “business like” in Interaction with Others.
To
be
“business
like”
is
to
gently
awaken
non
appreciative
recipients
so
that
they
have
opportunity
to
acknowledge
and
respond.
It
is
simply
good
manners
to
acknowledge
appreciation
for
tasks
performed
and
favours
extended.
There
are
many
situations
in
which
people
are
simply
not
aware
that
we
have
extended
them
a
favour.
Sometimes
a
favour
has
been
extended,
a
task
completed,
when
the
person
is
absent.
Sometimes
the
recipient
of
the
favour
has
simply
been
too
preoccupied.
We
become
more
business
like
in
these
situations
by
bringing
the
attention
of
the
recipient
to
our
act of thoughtfulness. We do it simply and at an appropriate time. It is best done with good humor.
For
example,
the
boss
asks
for
a
report
from
the
secretary.
The
secretary
prepares
a
report
and
returns
it
to
the
boss.
The
boss
is
preoccupied
and
simply
nods.
If
the
secretary
wishes
to
be
more
“business
like”,
he
or
she
might
simply
state
“This
is
the
report
you
requested.
Please
let
me
know
whether
it
is
satisfactory
or
whether
some
corrections
are
required.”
This
little
statement
affords
the
boss
an
opportunity
to
waken
up
to
the
fact
that
the
secretary
has
favoured
him
or her by completing the task requested. The boss is then more apt to express appreciation.
4) To interrupt Compulsive Giving.
To
correct
the
habit
of
compulsive
giving
might
be
a
little
more
difficult.
There
is
a
gain
for
the
person
extending
favours
when the person is a compulsive giver.
One
of
the
simplest
examples
is
that
of
giving
away
candy
or
bubble
gum
by
a
child
to
gain
favour
of
his
or
her
playmates.
Out
of
a
sense
of
our
own
insecurity,
though
adults,
we
react
by
extending
extra
favours
to
gain
acceptance
and security.
If we have this type of habit, as adults, we are keeping ourselves in a childlike state with reference to others.
We keep ourselves beholden to others for their recognition and appreciation.
To
free
ourselves
from
this
form
of
compulsive
giving,
we
turn
to
exercises
for
self-appreciation,
to
exercises
promoting
a
greater ease in saying “no” and setting boundaries and to exercises promoting greater ease in dealing with anger.
Then
there
are
the
compulsive
givers
who
want
others
to
be
beholden
to
them.
They
want
to
manipulate
and
control
the
behaviour of the other person.
In
my
experience,
I
find
that
some
parents
incorporate
this
type
of
compulsive
giving
in
order
to
control
their
children.
Their
children
have
received
so
much
-
and
are
often
reminded
of
this
-
that
they
feel
guilty
when
they
depart
from
acting
on the wishes of the parents. This is manipulative behaviour.
My
take
on
this
pattern
is
as
follows:
someone
spontaneously
is
generous
towards
me;
I
have
the
choice
of
accepting,
or
declining,
the
generosity;
if
I
accept
it,
and
I
express
my
appreciation,
then
the
matter
is
closed;
if
later
on,
that
person
comes
to
me
and
states
in
effect
“you
owe
me
a
favour
in
return
for
a
favour
which
I
extended
towards
you”, my response is “if you had some expectation of a return favour from me at that time, you should have stated it.”
When
we
accept
generosity
from
others,
there
is
an
inherent
wish
to
repay
-
at
an
appropriate
time
and
in
an
appropriate
way.
But
we
have
no
obligation
unless
the
intended
obligation,
the
bargain,
is
stated
by
the
giver
of
the
favour at the time of giving.
Since
there
is
a
sense
of
power
for
the
compulsive
giver,
who
acts
from
a
wish
to
make
the
recipient
feel
obligated,
this
type of compulsive giver often has no wish to even acknowledge, much less give up, the habit.
5) “Calling in your Favours”
It
was
only
in
my
middle
adult
life
that
I
first
heard
this
expression
“call
in
your
favours.”
I
had
gone
to
a
friend
seeking
advice in dealing with a problem. The friend offered what he could and then added “call in your favours.”
I
had
no
idea
what
he
was
speaking
about.
The
friend
explained
“you
have
extended
many
favours
to
other
people,
now
is
the time to go to them and ask them for favours - because you could use favours at this time in your life.”
Now, in relating this, it may seem on first reading that it represents a reversal of that spoken about in section.
4.
It
would
be
a
reversal
if
we
went
to
people
to
whom
we
have
extended
favours
and
demanded
a
favour
in
return.
It
is
not
a
reversal
if
we
go
and
simply
state
“I
am
in
a
position
now
where
I
need
some
favours
from
you
-
and
this
is
the
favour
which I need.” We ask, we do not demand.
If
we
have
been
brought
up
on
the
model
“it
is
more
blessed
to
give
than
to
receive”,
we
can
feel
guilty,
that
we
are
demeaning
ourselves
by
acknowledging
that
we
are
vulnerable
and
need
a
hand.
But
there
are
those
times
in
the
lives
of
all
of
us
when
we
genuinely
need
some
assistance
from
our
friends
and
allies.
It
is
important
that
we
then
be
able
to
swallow
our
false
pride,
acknowledge
our
need,
remind
ourselves
that
we
have
been
strong
and
present
for
others in the past, admit that we have reached a point where we are the ones who require help and favours.
6) To Develop Poise
Poise
is
the
strength
of
mind
to
control
sentimentality
while
feeling
with
others;
it
keeps
us
from
becoming
maudlin
or
martyrs,
not
allowing
our
feelings
to
run
rampant.
When
we
lose
control
of
giving
either
from
sentimentality,
or
a
wish
to buy good will, we lose respect for ourselves and respect from others, and our gift then loses its value.
To develop poise is a goal of this exercise - to contain and manage impulses which would have us giving to excess.
Poise
is
evident
in
body
language
and
tone
of
voice.
When
giving
or
extending
favours,
poise
allows
these
to
be
accompanied
by
an
attitude
of
giving
with
self
respect,
with
valuing
of
self
and
gift.
Poise
protects
us.
“Both
gift
and
giver
have value.”
C. DAILY PRACTICE
Use
of
a
Log
Book
(see
Chapter
4)
is
recommended.
We
take
five
minutes
each
morning
to
simply
remind
ourselves
what
this
exercise
is
all
about.
Then,
each
evening,
we
review
our
day
and
set
as
a
goal
remembering
five
experiences
of
our
extending a favour to another person.
It
is
important
to
make
brief
entries
in
the
Log
Book,
along
with
the
particular
date.
We
make
entries
concerning
a)
those
acts
of
thoughtfulness
and
consideration
and
friendliness
-
whether
we
meet
the
goal
of
5
or
not;
b)
the
degree
of
comfort
and
ease
which
we
find
in
recalling;
c)
the
exact
nature
of
any
discomfort
or
obstacles
to
remembering
or
comfortably
owning
our
acts
of
thoughtfulness
etc.To
make
these
entries
gives
us
a
clearer
picture
of
where
we
are
starting from. We build on that base. Now! What about examples?
“You gave Harry a present”
“You went out of your way to give Jean a hand”
“It was generous of you to overlook Max’s behaviour” “You helped that gentleman when you held the door open for him”
Our
days
provide
many
opportunities
for
us
to
awaken
to,
appreciate
and
even
enthuse
about
favours
towards
others.
Let us make use of these opportunities!
Exercise 6
GOOD WILL FROM OTHERS
“No man is an island, entire of itself;
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main”
- John Donne, Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions
No
one
has
too
many
friends
and
allies.
We
are
happier
when
we
are
aware
of
the
love
and
support
of
others.
We
make
fuller
use
of
our
abilities
and
of
our
time,
accomplish
more
when
we
experience
the
support
of
others.
And
the
support
can be practical or moral. “Many hands make work light.” captures the essence of this idea
What
is
“good
will?”
Essentially
it
is
friendliness
or
love
or
encouragement
expressed
in
any
of
their
various
forms.
The
person extending you good will basically wishes you well.
The
pup
who
spends
most
time
at
the
mother’s
breast
is
generally
the
most
rambunctious
pup
in
the
litter.
The
same
applies
to
humans.
The
more
“milk
of
human
kindness”
in
our
lives,
the
more
we
thrive
and
flourish,
the
greater
our
enthusiasm and thus our potential for making full use of our abilities.
Why
pay
attention
to
friendliness
from
others?
Because
we
are
essentially
group-living
animals.
We
need
support
and
cooperation
from
others
in
order
to
survive
on
this
earth.
Sometimes
we
encounter
situations
which
are
too
much
for
us to handle individually, so need support in order to survive. We certainly need it if we are to thrive.
The
youngster
who
is
cheered
on
as
he
or
she
runs
a
race,
runs
faster
and
farther.
We
live
more
fully
when
we
are
encouraged and supported.
.Also,
there
are
some
statistics
which
support
the
notion
that
we
live
longer,
enjoy
life
more,
if
we
have
numbers
of
friends in our lives - and have the habits of acknowledging, receiving and making use of friendliness from others.
A. GOALS AND GAINS OF RECEIVING GOOD WILL FROM OTHERS
1. To awaken ourselves to friendliness and encouragement offered
2. To effectively acknowledge good will from others
3. To make full use of good will directed towards us
B. BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE
1. To awaken to friendliness and encouragement from others
Some
of
us
are
simply
not
awake
to,
or
aware
of,
friendliness
when
directed
our
way.
If
a
person
offers
us
good
will,
and
we
are
not
aware
of
it,
it
does
us
very
little
good.
Thus
the
importance
of
awakening
ourselves
to
good
will
directed our way.
Good
will
can
be
extended
in
various
ways.
People
can
offer
us
a
friendly
smile,
extend
favours
in
a
variety
of
ways,
make
gifts, cheer us on - and so on. We need to be aware of these things.
So,
the
first
step
is
to
make
a
mental
note
of
good
will
directed
towards
us.
For
example
“Joan
was
quite
friendly
when
we met today.” or “Charlie made a helpful suggestion.”
We
can
reinforce
the
impact
of
the
good
will
offered
by
simply
giving
voice
to
our
recognition
of
it,
saying
it
aloud
and
for
our
own
ears.
Finally,
we
observe
our
internal
reactions
as
we
make
note
of
the
good
will
and
give
voice
to
our
appreciation
of
it.
It
is
important
to
be
honest
with
ourselves.
We
need
to
see
whether
we
are
quite
comfortable
when
receiving,
or
whether
we
mistrust
or
discard
or
devalue
the
gift
-
thus
keep
ourselves
from
simply
recognizing
and
accepting
it.
2.
To
effectively
acknowledge
good
will
extended
by
others
It
is
good
manners
to
acknowledge
friendliness.
When
we
do
this,
we
demonstrate
to
ourselves
and
the
person
extending
good
will,
our
valuing
of
it.
Then
it
is
more
apt to be of assistance to us.
Words
have
meaning
and
can
be
used
to
allow
us
to
experience
events
more
fully
and
deeply.
“Appreciate”
seems
to
have deeper impact than “thank you.” “Grateful” has even fuller impact. You can choose your own words.
“Thank
you”
is
for
many
of
us
loaded
with
overtones
from
childhood.
Sometimes
we
can
feel
like
children
in
relation
to
the
giving
person
when
we
use
that
expression.
Also,
it
is
noted
as
a
rather
ritualistic
form
of
acknowledging,
perhaps
not
sincere.
Certainly,
when
we
use
“I
appreciate”
we
feel
more
adult,
more
the
equal
of
the
person
who
has
offered
friendliness.
Also
the
other
person
is
much
less
apt
to
question
the
sincerity
of
our
acknowledgment.
We
want
to
acknowledge
the
friendliness
and
encouragement
directed
towards
us
as
deeply
and
fully
as
possible.
This
allows
it
to
have
fuller
benefit for us.
3.
Making
fuller
use
of
Friendliness
and
Encouragement
We
can
reinforce
the
impact
of
good
will
upon
us
by
acknowledging
aloud
and
for
our
own
ears.
“Jack,
that
was
very
supportive
of
you
-
etc.”
Sometimes
we
can
express
our
appreciation
directly
and
verbally
to
the
benefactor.
Sometimes
we
can
express
it
after
the
fact
in
writing,
or
by
saying
it
to
the
person
as
we
visualize
them
in
imagery.
For
instance
“Jack.
You
were
very
thoughtful
in
dealing
with
me
yesterday.”, as we see Jack in our mind’s eye.
A
word
which
helps
remind
us
of
the
value
of
good
will
is
“grateful.”
So,
to
voice
aloud,
and
for
our
own
ears,
“I
am
grateful
for
Joan’s
friendliness
-
for
Charlie’s
helpfulness
-
etc”
is
to
promote
a
deeper
and
more
heartfelt
and
helpful
awareness.
I
can
cite
from
my
own
life
an
example
of
the
importance
of
being
a
“gracious
recipient.”
One
evening
meal
when
at
medical
school,
my
landlady
surprised
me
with
a
birthday
cake.
My
reaction
was
“Mrs.
K
you
should
not
have
done this!”
I
had
been
raised
on
the
notion
that
I
should
be
self-
reliant
and
so
was
not
at
all
comfortable
when
receiving.
Mrs.
K
taught
me
something.
Her
immediate
response
was
“You
listen
to
me
Bill.
When
you
say
“I
shouldn’t”
you
deprive
me
of
my
pleasure
in
giving.
You
need
to
learn
to
be
a
gracious
recipient.”
I
can
tell
you
that
I
have
never
forgotten
that
experience.
C. DAILY PRACTICE
Use
of
a
Log
Book
(see
Chapter
4)
is
recommended.
We
take
five
minutes
each
morning
to
simply
remind
ourselves
what
this
exercise
is
all
about.
Then,
each
evening,
we
review
our
day
and
set
as
a
goal
remembering
five
evidences
of
good
will
directed towards us during the particular day.
It
is
important
to
make
brief
entries
in
the
Log
Book,
along
with
the
date.
We
make
entries
concerning
a)
items
appreciated
and
remembered
-
whether
we
meet
the
goal
of
5
or
not;
b)
the
degree
of
comfort
and
ease
which
we
find
in
recalling;
c)
the
exact
nature
of
any
discomfort
or
obstacle
to
either
remembering
or
comfortably
owning
good
will
directed towards us.
Commonly
people
who
are
excessively
self-reliant
feel
discomfort
with
good
will
from
others.
They
are
so
much
more
in
the
habit
of
giving
that
receiving
seems
strange
to
them.
If
this
is
our
situation,
simple
perseverance
with
awareness of what we are doing and attempting to achieve, allows us to grow more and more comfortable.
People
who
have
a
real
emotional
block
to
noting
and
trusting
good
will
from
others
may
be
blocked
for
one
of
several
reasons:
1)
if
they
are
not
yet
in
the
habit
of
appreciating
themselves
(Exercise
4),
they
will
not
really
trust
the
good
judgment
of
others
who
extend
good
will
towards
them;
2)
people
who
are
harboring
feelings
of
hurt
and
resentment
towards
parent
figures
and
others
and
from
early
life,
may
have
an
emotional
block
to
receiving
until
they
have
faced
and
rid
themselves
of
those
feelings
of
hurt.
These
people
are
actually
fearful
that
they
will
be
hurt
again
should
they
open
their
hearts
to
trusting
good
will
from
others
-
and
are
generally
quite
unaware
that
they
also
fear
the
surfacing of that unexpressed pain when and if they open their hearts.
Exercise 7
ON COMMUNICATION
“I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, to be understood
and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see,
hear, understand and to touch another person.”
- Virginia Satir
Good
communication
forms
the
solid
foundation
for
a
good,
and
real
relationship.
Most
counseling
of
couples
attends first to good communication.
On Touching one another
Some
years
ago,
while
speaking
with
others
of
the
importance
of
physical
touch
for
our
health
and
development,
I
heard: “ . . . and we also touch one another with our voices.” The truth of that has become more and more apparent.
As
a
man,
I
denied
myself
the
benefit
of
‘chit-chat’
for
many
years.
This
was
for
women.
“Men
speak
with
one
another
to
do
business!” It was my loss! What we term to be ‘chit-chat’ allows us to ‘touch’ one another at a deeper-than-intellectual level.
On Information gathering.
Many
of
us
have
discovered
how
much
useful
information
is
sitting
out
there
waiting
for
us.
When
we
open
our
mouths to ask for information, we find that people are only too happy to share what they know with us.
These are but two of many examples of the benefits for us if we learn effective means of communicating.
Our Truth? Our Experience?
Let
us
now
move
to
the
oft-used
word
Truth.
We
are
admonished
as
children
to
“tell
the
truth.”
And
indeed,
if
we
are
to
gain
a
reputation
for
lying,
we
create
a
barrier
of
mistrust
in
others.
We
wisely
need
to
state
our
truth
if
we
are
to
be
trusted by others and to effectively do our business with other people.
In courts of law, we hear people using the law to seek the Truth.
We
can
read
our
history
books
and
see
that
people
were
persecuted
and
executed
when
their
experience
of
the
“Truth” was harshly judged to be Wrong (“not our version of the truth”) by those in power.
Commonly
marital
partners
will
argue
when
their
experiences
and
attitudes
simply
differ.
They
argue,
as
though
wrestling,
to
determine
that
one
is
Right
and
the
other
one
is
Wrong.
They
really
have
two
different
sets
of
experiences
(reactions/attitudes/memories).
Does
that
mean
that
one
has
the
entire
truth?
And
the
other
not
have
the truth? Or is there some of the truth in the expressed experience of each?
In
today’s
society
we
seem
to
have
swung
to
the
opposite
extreme
re
validity
of
opinion
on
the
truth.
Some
will
now
say
that
my
view,
my
opinion,
based
upon
my
experiences
is
as
valid
as
yours
-
even
if
you
have
more
knowledge
and
real
experience to draw upon.
This
is
to
swing
to
the
opposite
extreme
on
Right
and
Wrong.
We
all
have,
in
a
just
and
democratic
community,
the
right
and
freedom
to
express
our
point-of-view.
But
some
expressed
opinions
are
better
grounded
in
real
experience.
We
go
to
the
plastic
surgeon
for
nasal
surgery,
not
to
the
plumber;
we
call
upon
the
plumber
when
unable
to
unclog
our
drains.
So,
out
of
all
of
the
above,
what
is
the
“truth?”
Is
it
not
simply
“my
experience
tells
me
that
this
is
so?”
Is
the
truth
for
me,
for
you,
not
simply
an
honest
statement
of
our
respective
experience?
And
would
we
not
make
our
lives
simpler
if
we stated “this is my experience -” rather than “the truth of the matter is.”
Within
a
community
of
people,
what
is
acted
upon
as
Truth,
Right,
Law
is
the
consensus
of
the
experience
of
the
majority
of
the
community
members.
A
present-day
contaminant
of
honest
communication
is
called
“political
correctness.”
A) GOALS AND GAINS FROM COMMUNICATION
1. Body Language, Tone of Voice, Words
2. Touching and Playing
3. Am I Offering? Am I Requesting?
4. Why I Want You To Listen
5. Allowing the Other to be a Friend
6. State! Never Explain!
7. The Statement Behind the Question
8. Validate Ourselves - Honor our Truth/Experience
9. Concern, not Criticism or Pressure
10. An Exercise in Communication
B. SOME BASIC DETAILS OF COMMUNICATION
There
are
many
good
books
offering
guidance
on
communication.
What
follows
are
some
practical
hints
from
my
experience and reading.
1. Body language, tone of voice, words
Studies
point
to
the
following
conclusions
concerning
how
others
perceive
what
we
communicate
to
them:
roughly
60%
is
in
the
form
of
our
body
language
(posture,
facial
expression,
etc.);
30%
comes
through
our
tone
of
voice
(menace,
joy, earnestness, etc.); and only 10% through our words.
This
may
be
difficult
to
accept.
It
deserves
our
consideration
because
there
appears
to
be
truth
in
it
even
if
we
disagree on the percentages.
Was it not Emerson who observed, “Who you are stands above you so that I cannot hear what you say!”
I am looking behind the words, at the tone of voice and body language, when listening to others.
Tone
of
voice
reveals
our
feelings
about
what
we
are
saying.
Many
of
us
lack
a
range
of
intonation
in
our
voices.
We
speak
in
a
flat
monotone.
Or
we
speak
so
softly,
with
so
little
energy
in
our
voice,
that
it
is
very
difficult
for
the
listener
to
be
certain
as
to
the
feelings
behind
our
words.
The
outcome?
The
listener
doesn’t
know
whether
to
believe
what
we say, or not.
Another
common
habit
is
that
of
a
fixed
smile
as
we
speak
of
some
painful
experience.
This
leaves
the
listener
with
two options: “Do I believe the expression on the face? Or do I believe the words?”
If we are habitual smilers, we can make use of “smile when pleased, not to please”, and set about to correct that habit.
So
we
pay
attention
to
our
body
language,
correct
it
to
bring
it
back
in
line
with
what
we
feel.
It
certainly
helps
to
get
feedback from another person on our body language. And the video camera can provide feedback!
If
we
lack
the
range
of
tone
in
our
voice,
by
habit,
we
can
practice
deliberately
playing
with
effusive
ranges
of
feelings
as
we
read
printed
material
privately.
For
example,
to
pretend
that
we
are
entertaining
a
child,
as
we
read
nursery
rhymes
aloud,
makes
for
freedom
to
be
spontaneous.
We
can
exaggerate
our
range
of
expression
and
imagine
ourselves
as actress or actor. We can do whatever we are most comfortable with.
2. Touching and playing
We
have
all
had
the
experience
of
playing
with
others
through
shared
humour
and
laughter.
This
is
good
for
the
soul.
And
science
has
again
caught
up
with
common
sense:
science
tells
us
that
laughter
activates
our
endorphins,
tones
up our immune system!
Brief
mention
was
made
earlier
of
the
value
of
chit-
chat.
This
was
brought
home
to
me
when
I
lived
for
a
time
with
a
relative.
This
widow
would
start
supper
and
then
get
on
the
phone:
“Hello,
Marg.
How
did
your
trip
to
Toronto
go?
Yes,
I
played
euchre
last
night
and
had
a
wonderful
time.”
Two
people
touching
one
another,
giving
emotional
nourishment to one another in their chit-chat. Simple and free!
Males
love
to
wrestle
with
one
another
as
a
way
of
saying,
“You
are
a
good
playmate!”
While
they
physically
wrestle
as
youngsters,
societal
expectations,
and
the
process
of
maturation,
lead
them
to
verbal
joshing
and
kidding
and
teasing after their teens.
Women
seem
to
use
communication
more
for
networking
and
inclusiveness,
for
more
open
expression
of
feelings.
We
can
respect
and
learn
from
gender
differences
in
habits
of
communication.
Barbara
Tannen’s
“You
Just
Don’t
Understand Me” is an excellent read on gender differences in communication.
3. Am I offering? Am I requesting?
Some
years
ago,
at
a
workshop,
the
leader
observed,
“We
open
our
mouths
to
communicate
for
one
of
two
reasons:
we
want
to
offer
something
to
the
other
person,
or
we
want
something
from
the
other.”
Participants
were
then
asked to take part in an exercise which proved to be one of the most difficult, and the most most enlightening, I had.
The
exercise
instructions
were
as
follows:
“Whenever
you
find
yourself
about
to
speak
to
another
member
of
the
group,
ask
yourself
whether
you
are
asking
or
offering.
Then
tell
the
other
person
that
you
want
to
offer
something
or
have
a
request
to
make.
The
other
person
then
has
the
right
to
say
‘yes’
or
‘no’
to
you,
and
you
proceed
only
if
the
other
person says ‘yes’.”
That
was
one
very
tough
exercise.
But
it
is
a
very
important
and
helpful
exercise
particularly
for
those
of
us
who
suffer
with
the
maladaptive
habit
of
circumlocution
and
rambling,
who
“go
on-and-on!”
When
we
talk
around
and
around
the
point,
people
are
not
sure
of
what
to
listen
for.
They
are
called
upon
to
do
extra
work
as
the
listener,
and
then
become
frustrated
or
drained
and
cease
to
listen.
This
is
not
good
news
for
the
person
with
the
habit
of
circumlocution!
4. Why I want you to listen
Very
commonly,
when
a
person
is
telling
us
of
some
problem
or
personal
pain,
we
feel
impelled
to
jump
in
and
offer
a
remedy. This is only helpful if the speaker wants our feedback or our suggested remedy.
And how often have we heard: “I simply want you to listen; I am not asking for a remedy!”
Men,
by
habit,
seem
to
want
to
‘fix
it,’
so
are
quick
to
offer
a
remedy.
Often,
the
speaker
simply
wants
to
be
listened
to
and
heard.
So,
the
person
who
is
about
to
speak,
and
who
wants
something
of
the
listener,
would
reduce
the
frustration,
while
increasing
the
satisfaction,
if
they
would
first
alert
the
listener
with,
“I
want
to
get
something
off
my
chest
and
I
want
you
simply
to
listen.”
Or,
“I
want
to
tell
you
some
things
and
would
appreciate
your
opinion,
your
perspective.”
The
listener then knows what to pay attention to while listening.
5. Allowing the other to be a friend
I
love
this
definition
of
a
friend:
“A
friend
is
a
person
who
has
your
best
interest
at
heart,
and
will
come
through
for
you to the best of their ability, if you let them know what you need.”
We
know
of
many
people
who
say,
“Mary
is
my
friend,”
but
they
never
give
Mary
the
opportunity
to
demonstrate
her
friendship
—
because
they
never
ask
anything
of
her.
We
all
enjoy
being
of
help
to
another
human
being;
that
is
a
healthy aspect of our human nature.
So,
those
of
us
with
too
much
of
the
go-it-alone
in
our
makeup,
suffer
from
a
lack
of
required
nourishment
from
others, while denying our potential friends the pleasure they can find in extending friendship.
Some
of
us
have
been
looking
for
a
‘perfect
friend,’
the
person
who
can
come
through
for
us
in
all
ways.
I
went
through
that
experience.
What
I
discovered
is
that
they
have
not
yet
built
a
perfect
person
-
because
a
perfect
friend
could
connect
with
every
aspect
of
my
being.
But
I
have
many
real
friends
who
can
connect
with
80
per
cent
of
my
self
-
each
with their unique 80 per cent! So, ‘safety in numbers’ is the applicable wisdom.
To
have
a
number
of
good
friends
works
best
for
all
concerned.
To
look
to
one
person
only
is
to
put
far
too
much
pressure
upon that unlucky soul. To discern the unique gift of friendship available from each friend is to be respectful and wise.
6. Never explain! State!
Two
wise
observations
make
the
point.
The
first
goes:
“Adults
state
—
children
explain!”
The
second
is,
“Never
explain
— your friends don’t ask it of you, and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.”
When
we
‘explain,’
we
become
like
children
who
want
to
avoid
displeasing
the
other
person.
And
the
other
person
senses
this
in
our
body
language
and
our
tone
of
voice.
So,
we
give
them
the
power
to
sit
in
judgment
upon
us
-
and
most
people
enjoy
being
the
judging
parent
(of
course,
not
consciously).
We
can
then
be
jerked
around,
our
judgment
not valued — and, indeed, we might give our good judgment away to that “judging parent,” the listener.
If
we
awaken
to
the
fact
that
we
favour
the
other
person
when
we
provide
them
with
information,
we
can
train
ourselves
into
the
healthier
and
more
mature
habit
of
“there
is
some
information
which
I
can
give
to
you.”
We
thus
respect
ourselves and our information, opinion, etc., and do not leave ourselves vulnerable to
‘what they think’ which occurs as we explain.
7. The Statement Behind the Question
Out of a wish to be thoughtful and accommodating, we often present our wish in the form of a question.
For
example,
“What
would
you
like
to
do
this
evening?”
When
the
statement
would
be,
“I
would
like
to
see
such-and-
such a movie with you. How about it?”
When
we
conceal
our
wish
behind
a
question,
we
invite
problems:
we
put
the
responsibility
for
choosing
on
the
shoulders
of
the
other
person
out
of
our
wish
to
‘be
accommodating.’
We
then
may
be
frustrated
with
them
when
their decision fails to meet our needs.
The
more
effective
habit
would
have
us
state
our
wish,
then
ask
the
other
person
for
a
frank
statement
of
their
preference.
This
done,
we
both
become
more
clear
about
pursuing
a
solution
or
activity
which
would
please
both.
There
is
also
the
possibility
that
our
respective
needs
or
wishes
are
so
very
far
apart
that
there
is
no
point
in
looking
for
common
ground,
at this moment.
8. Validate Ourselves- Honour our Truth/Experience
The
habit
of
stating
clearly
and
simply
what
we
wish
and
what
we
think
or
feel,
is
a
way
of
stating:
“This
is
who
I
am,
right
now.
I
have
worth.
I
am
not
asking
you
whether
my
thoughts
and
needs
or
wishes
have
value.
I
am
stating
and
honouring
my truth.”
So, “say what we mean” and “mean what we say!”
9. Concern, Not Criticism or Pressure
How
often
have
you
offered
a
well
intentioned
remark
to
someone
only
to
have
it
rejected
as
a
perceived
criticism,
or
met
with
stubborn
obstinacy?
I
know
that
it
has
happened
frequently
for
me
so
I
decided
to
search
to
see
what
I
need
to change.
There
are
people
in
the
world
who
have
been
pushed
around,
intruded
upon
in
their
earlier
life,
and
they
have
learned
to
protect
themselves
with
a
stubborn
“I
won’t”
attitude.
No
matter
how
well
intended
my
“I
wish
that
you
would
do
this
-”
might
be,
because
it
has
not
been
asked
for
by
that
person,
it
will
be
met
with
an
automatic
defensive
response.
Certainly
the
person
who
is
unduly
sensitive
and
defensive
would
wisely
change
but
I
too
could
learn
to
be
more
patient
and accepting.
On
other
occasions,
venturing
to
offer
great
advice,
I
have
been
met
with
an
attitude
which
bespeaks
“you
are
criticizing
me.”
This
person
may
be
in
the
habit
of
seeing
what
is
not
in
the
metaphorical
glass,
rather
than
what
is
in
the
glass,
but
still
I
could
be
more
effective
in
communicating.
So,
I
am
attempting
to
train
myself
to
open
with
“I
have
a
concern
about
our
relationship
or
about
the
state
of
the
kitchen
-
etc.
Do
you
want
to
hear
about
it?”
If
the
person
does
not
want
to hear my concern, then I will wisely keep my mouth shut.
If
I
am
given
the
green
light
in
response
to
“Do
you
want
to
hear
about
it?”
then
I
proceed
to
speak
of
the
concern
which
I
have
for
the
other
person.
If
I
have
opened
with
“I
have
a
concern
-”
I
am
more
apt
to
present
what
I
have
to
say
out
of
concern
and
it
is
more
apt
to
be
heard
as
concern.
Added
to
my
concern
might
be
“my
wish
for
you
is
that
you
would
do
such- and-such.”
10. An Exercise in Communication
I
do
not
know
where
I
came
upon
this
exercise
but
it
is
the
best
that
I
have
encountered
in
terms
of
training
us
to
be
better
communicators.
This
means
to
be
better
able
to
identify
what
we
think
and
feel,
and
to
communicate
this
clearly
to the other person; to reduce frustration in efforts to communicate; to promote better habits of listening.
Good communication consists not only of expressing clearly what we are experiencing but also of being a good listener.
As
we
go
about
our
business
in
life,
we
see,
hear
and
remember
things
and
form
impressions
in
response
to
the
sensory
input.
We
may
or
may
not
be
conscious
of
the
fact
that
we
form
impressions
but
impressions
we
do
form.
And,
we
then
react to our impressions with thoughts and with feelings. Again, our reactions may be conscious or subconscious.
So,
the
exercise
itself
is
focused
upon
our
Impressions.
Impressions
are
based
upon
Observations.
We
respond
to
our
impressions
with
Reactions
(both
thoughts
and
feelings
in
reaction
to
impressions).
Since
we
form
impressions
and
react
to
them
privately,
it
becomes
very
important
that
we
Check
Out
our
impressions
with
the
other
person.
This
is
the
respectful
thing
to
do
and
it
promotes
better
communications.
It
also
prevents
us
from
jumping
to
conclusions
with the messiness which that can bring into our lives.
OPENERS
Before
moving
into
the
exercise
itself,
it
is
important
that
we
share
with
our
partner
“how
I
am
feeling
right
now.”
We
do
this,
because
to
have
a
toothache
or
to
be
fatigued,
or
to
be
irritable
when
we
start
into
this
exercise
can
have
an
impact on what we say and how we react when doing the exercise. I refer to this sharing as Openers.
We
take
turns
telling
the
other
person
“how
I
am
feeling
right
now”
and,
having
done
that
we
add
“and
that
could
affect what I say and how I react when we do this exercise.”
Which is so!! It is important for both that it be stated aloud and heard.
THE EXERCISE ITSELF
A) Observation - “I observe such-and-such about you” e.g. your red tie
B) Impression - “from my Observation, I form such-and- such an Impression” e.g. that you enjoy life
C)
Reaction
to
Impression
-
“My
Reactions
to
my
impressions
are
such-and-such”
(we
have
two
types
of
reactions,
our
thoughts and our feelings) e.g. that you are mischievous, (thought) and that amuses me (feeling)
D) Feedback - “I want to Check Out my Impression with you; do you enjoy life?”
E)
Response
-
The
person
being
observed
simply
validates
or
offers
their
different
experience
of
themselves
wearing
a
red
tie.
ADDITIONAL DIRECTIONS:
1) Stick to the format and do not wander off into explanation or justification.
2) The listener, dealing with D) Feedback simply indicates that the other person’s Impressions are accurate or otherwise.
3) We do this exercise with one another twice. i.e. with two sets of Impressions, in order to practice and make this a habit.
4)
It
is
simple
to
pick
upon
an
article
of
clothing,
expression
on
a
face,
body
posture
and
use
such
things
as
observations
in order to practice.
5)
One
can
also
deal
with
concerns
which
are
more
personal
e.g.
that
you
are
worried,
frustrated
etc.
about
some
personal
experience.
6) Leave discussion of what has emerged in the exercise until after each person has completed the exercise twice.
WHAT TO DO WHEN FEEDBACK DOES NOT AGREE WITH OUR IMPRESSIONS
1) We do not get into a debate to determine “who is right and who is wrong.”
2)
The
people
who
check
out
their
impressions
may
still
believe
their
impression
to
be
accurate,
but
rather
than
getting
into a wrangle about it they will simply state “while I respect that you do not perceive yourself to
be in such-and-such a state, I also respect my own impression. So let us simply leave it alone and move on.”
Exercise 8
HEALTHY SELF INTEREST AND PURSUIT OF GOALS
1) “The preservation of health is a duty.
Few seem aware that there is a physical morality.”
- Spencer “Education”
2) “He that is of merry heart hath the continual feast.”
And what have we learned about healthy self-interest? When speaking of self-interest, we are speaking about
our physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual wellbeing.
Many of us have been raised with the notion that we have two options or choices: to be selfish, or to be selfless.
With
healthy
self
interest
individuals
are
simultaneously
aware
of
their
priorities
as
well
as
the
situation
of
their
social
group.
With
healthy
self
interest,
we
make
choices
which
serve
ourselves
and
do
no
harm
to
our
group
or
to
other
individuals.
The two previous quotes tend to bring home two truths,
1)
that
we
ourselves
are
possessed
of
the
ability
to
develop
and
maintain
good
habits
of
living
and
2)
that
one
of
these
good habits can be that of looking for what is to be enjoyed in this life - and that includes the pursuit of new habits!
Socrates
stated
it
well:
“We
have
a
duty
to
ourselves
to
cultivate
our
health
and
wellbeing
-
for
the
enjoyment
we
find
in this pursuit per se and for the service we can bring to our community.”
Emphasis
is
placed
upon
the
physical
wellbeing
for
it
has
been
truly
said
that
“the
body
is
the
temple
of
the
soul.”
There
are
many
examples
of
people
with
disabilities
and
limitations
who
despite
this
have
emphasized
making
full
use
of
the
potential
they
have
for
health.
We
might
choose
these
people
as
our
models.
Included
amongst
them
for
me,
are
Beethoven, Glen Cunningham (American mile runner of the
1930’s), Lance Armstrong (champion cyclist who overcame cancer), our Athletes In Action, War Amps - the list goes on!
If
we
lack
habits
of
healthy
self
interest
-
of
being
awake
to,
and
protective
of,
our
own
best
interest
-
we
risk
being
used
and
abused
by
others,
by
circumstances
and
fate.
To
live
is
to
be
challenged
and
we
adapt
best
when
we
respond
from
healthy self-protection and self-interest.
This
exercise
is
not
for
those
who
abuse
others
or
are
too
self-absorbed.
It
is
for
those
who
suffer
from
self
neglect,
from lack of adequate habits of self interest.
A) GOALS AND GAINS OF HEALTHY SELF INTEREST
1. To gain and maintain a good Energy level
2. To protect our Time and our Energy
3. To make use of a good Relaxation or Meditation exercise
4. To Reward ourselves
5. To experience “me-my-mine”
6. To establish and pursue Goals in life
7. To attain a balanced Life Style
B) BASIC DETAILS OF THE EXERCISE
1. Gain and maintain a good Energy level, Stamina!
The
dictionary
defines
stamina
as
vigor,
guts,
endurance
and
strength.
This
word
covers
it
in
terms
of
the
advantages in gaining and maintaining a high level of energy.
With
stamina,
we
have
the
energy
required
to
pursue
our
goals
and
make
full
use
of
our
abilities.
We
have
vigor.
Without energy, we are frustrated by our inability to use our strengths. This can be discouraging and depressing.
With
stamina,
we
have
the
energy
to
protect
ourselves
and
to
act
with
courage.
Lacking
adequate
energy,
we
sense
our
vulnerability
and
our
reduced
ability
to
protect
ourselves.
So,
people
lacking
adequate
energy
are
more
prone
to
anxiety, depression and to loss of a sense of control.
With
stamina,
we
are
better
able
to
endure
stress
and
cope
effectively
with
life’s
demands.
And,
with
stamina
we
recover
our
energy
more
quickly
from
illness
or
other
stressors.
We
have
endurance
and
feel
more
in
control
of
our
selves
and
our lives.
Lacking energy
, we are more prone to stress-related disability, and our recovery time is longer. We suffer more.
How
do
we
build
stamina?
Physical
exercise
is
the
basis
of
an
adequate
supply
of
energy.
Diet
and
rest
play
their
part,
but
these
two,
without
exercise,
do
not
cut
it!
So,
while
we
acknowledge
the
importance
of
rest
and
diet,
we
emphasize attention to the practicalities of physical fitness.
Three types of exercise contribute to physical fitness: cardiovascular, muscle tone, and flexibility.
Cardiovascular
fitness
allows
the
cells
of
our
body
to
make
more
efficient
use
of
oxygen.
When,
through
exercise,
our
cells
are
induced
to
make
more
efficient
use
of
blood-borne
oxygen,
our
heart
is
required
to
pump
less
frequently,
and
we
have
more
vigor.
So,
cardiovascular
fitness
is
the
single
most
important
basis
for
stamina.
There
is
no
substitute
for it, no shortcut.
Muscle
tone
implies
exercising
our
muscles
to
make
them
stronger.
Muscle
tissue
stores
the
blood
oxygen
and
sugars
required
for
our
energy.
So,
toned
muscles
perform
better
and
make
more
energy
available
to
us.
We
build
and
tone
muscles through appropriate exercises.
Flexibility
allows
for
a
fuller
range
of
movement
of
muscles.
We
use
flexibility
exercises
to
prepare
the
body
for
cardiovascular
and
muscle
toning
exercises.
Like
an
engine,
the
body
runs
more
smoothly
after
a
warm
up;
the
warm
up
includes
flexibility
exercises.
Most
of
us
are
more
apt
to
persevere
with
fitness
exercises
if
we
work
out
with
others.
Then
fitness
activity
can
be
incorporated
as
a
habit.
Buddies
and
classes
are
invaluable.
“Many
hands
make
work light” also applies to self discipline for physical fitness.
With
any
of
these
practices
that
develop
healthy
self
interest,
we
derive
more
benefit
if
we
pause
to
voice,
for
our
own
ears,
“I
take
this
time
for
myself!”
-
because
we
are
choosing
to
set
aside
time
for
ourselves
and
best
become
comfortably awake to this.
2. Protect our Time and Energy
Someone
noted
that
our
time
and
energy
are
the
real
currency
of
our
lives.
These
are
the
things
which
we
really
manage,
we
can
spend
wisely,
or
we
can
waste
or
allow
them
to
be
wasted.
This
points
to
the
importance
of
our
staying
alert
to
our
energy
and
our
time.
Are
we
putting
these
to
good
use?
Are
we
allowing
others,
and
life,
to
drain
us?
We
ourselves
are
in
the
best
position
to
answer
these
questions.
We
are
best
able
to
make
choices
in
our
own
best
interest.
Time
management
programs
and
booklets
abound.
They
help
us
towards
better
habits
of
allotting
our
time.
They
also
help us see our habits of procrastination, of frittering away our time and our lives.
We
need
to
be
aware
of
those
people
and
those
activities
which
drain
our
energies.
With
people
who
drain
our
energies,
we
can
sometimes
bring
this
to
a
halt
by
changing
the
subject
or
the
focus
or
the
activity.
If
all
else
fails,
we
need
to break contact to protect ourselves from being drained.
The
same
applies
to
activities
which
drain
us.
We
can
try
to
change
our
focus
and
direct
our
attention
to
something
pleasant.
We
can
walk,
rather
than
rush,
as
we
pursue
the
activity.
We
can
take
it
in
small
doses,
with
frequent
breaks.
We
can seek advice or assistance.
We
are
exposed
to
sometimes
insane
demands
for
change
in
modern
society.
I
use
the
term
“insane”
to
refer
to
whatever
goes
against
our
best
interest.
And
many
modern
jobs
can
press
us
to
ignore
our
best
interest,
to
forsake
necessary breaks and co-operation.
Our
bodies
signal
us
when
it
is
time
to
rest,
to
ease
up.
To
ignore
these
signals
is
to
invite
stress-related
disorder.
It
goes
against
our
interest,
therefore
it
is
insane,
to
“beat
the
tired
horse.”
Too
often
the
demands
of
the
workplace
cause
us
to
treat
our
bodies
as
though
they
are
machines.
We
ignore
the
signals
of
our
fatigue.
Some
current
business
theories perceive people as machines or objects. We need to fight to honour and protect our humanity.
Like
overworked
horses,
we
humans
can
break
down
with
stress-induced
disorders.
And
no
amount
of
stress
management training alters the basic fact that the human body requires rest in order to restore itself.
I
have
read
of
corporations
which
insist
that
top-level
executives
take
every
eighth
week
off
as
a
holiday.
These
corporations
know
that
the
executives
require
time
away
to
rest
and
restore,
in
order
to
be
fully
productive
when
they
are
on
the
job.
Another
example
is
from
China
where
assembly-line
workers
are
moved
away
on
a
regular
basis
from the workplace to do physical exercise - to break and to take time to restore.
3. Make use of Relaxation or Meditation
The
purposes
of
incorporating
a
10
or
15
minute
meditative
exercise
into
our
daily
lives
are
as
follows:
to
see
to
it
that
the
body
lets
down
and
restores
itself;
to
promote
a
growing
awareness
of
our
energy
level
in
a
healthy
way,
so
that
we
know
and
respond
to
messages
of
tiredness
from
the
body;
to
provide
a
practical
means
to
restore
and
replenish
the
body’s
energies;
and
to
provide
for
preventive
maintenance
of
the
body
by
keeping
our
parasympathetic
nervous
system toned, alive and active.
That
part
of
the
nervous
system
which
takes
over
when
the
body
lets
down
and
restores
itself
is
called
the
parasympathetic
nervous
system.
When
we
are
attuned
to
its
impact,
it
lets
us
know
that
the
body
is
tiring.
It
tells
us
that
we
need
to
let
down.
When
we
let
down,
we
allow
the
parasympathetic
nervous
system
to
revive
and
restore
our
energy.
The parasympathetic naturally comes into play when we sleep, cat nap, or meditate.
When
we
live
in
a
society
which
is
driven
and
governed
by
the
clock
and
by
goals,
we
can
cease
to
pay
attention
to
messages
from
our
body
concerning
tiredness,
tension
and
strain.
We
can
become
people
who
“whip
the
tired
horse.” This is one of the very common causes of stress-related disorders, of “burn out”, anxiety and depression.
People,
when
driven
without
let
up,
are
chronically
tense
and
uptight.
They
are
constantly
on
the
alert,
hypervigilant.
They
find
themselves
quite
unable
to
relax
or
let
down.
In
these
extreme
cases,
it
seems
that
the
person’s
parasympathetic
nervous
system
has
lost
its
tone.
It
has
lost
its
ability
to
click
in
and
be
operative
when
nature
calls
for it to come into play. The mind is overactive and will not let down.
A
good
meditative
exercise
promotes
a
letting
down
and
rejuvenation
much
akin
to
a
cat
nap.
This
takes
place
over
a
period
of
several
minutes
and
can
become
a
healthy
substitute
for
the
traditional
coffee
break.
The
letting
down
and
rejuvenation coincide with the coming into action of the parasympathetic nervous system.
Breathing Meditation Exercise
One
simple
meditative
exercise
makes
use
of
natural
breathing.
We
sit
in
a
comfortable
position
with
our
eyes
closed,
giving
our
attention
to
our
natural
breathing
while
counting
the
inhalations
and
exhalations
as
they
naturally
occur.
This
can
help
relax
the
body
and
quieten
the
mind.
To
say,
silently,
“I
allow
my
body
to
breathe
me”
helps
reinforce
gains.
Or,
as
we
naturally
exhale,
we
silently
state
“my
mind
is
empty”
for
additional
benefit
because
we
want
our
minds
to
grow quiet and silent.
We
develop
yoga
“belly
breathing”
so
that
this
breathing
meditation
practice
can
be
even
more
effective.
To
do
this,
we
clasp
our
hands
and
rest
them
on
our
lower
belly,
below
the
umbilicus.
Then,
without
breathing,
we
consciously
pump
in
and
out
the
lower
belly
over
which
our
hands
are
clasped.
The
muscle
which
causes
our
lower
abdomen
to
puff
out
and
drop
in
is
our
diaphragm.
Our
diaphragm
comes
into
play
when
we
“belly
breath.”
The
other
part
of
our
breathing
apparatus consists of our rib cage and muscles which account for “chest breathing.”
Some
of
us
are,
by
habit,
“chest
breathers.”
Chest
breathing
is
neither
as
efficient
nor
as
relaxing
as
“belly
breathing.”
We
encourage
“belly
breathing”
by
imagining
that
each
breath
taken
in
is
going
down
into
our
belly
-
then,
when
successful,
we
note that our lower belly puffs out with each natural inhalation.
But
when
doing
the
breathing
for
relaxation,
we
allow
our
natural
body
breathing
rhythm
to
take
over.
As
we
relax
more
and
more,
we
find
that
our
rate
of
breathing
drops.
An
average
breathing
rate
might
be
15
cycles
per
minute.
As
we
relax that rate can drop in half and breaths become deeper. And we continue with this for 10 minutes.
We
need
to
meditate
twice
daily
as
preventive
maintenance
and
more
often
when
under
stress.
It
is
best
to
learn
a
good
meditative
exercise
which
can
be
effective
in
10
or
15
minutes.
We
will
be
more
apt
to
use
a
meditative
practice
which
requires
only
10
or
15
minutes
of
our
time
than
one
which
requires
40
minutes,
so
we
need
to
be
sensible
in
selecting our meditative exercise. Books, classes and tapes are available on other good forms of meditation.
4. Reward ourselves
We
can
develop
the
habit
of
periodically
pausing
to
reward
ourselves
for
our
accomplishments.
People
maintainbetter
motivation
when
periodically
rewarded
-
and
we
are
capable
of
developing
a
habit
of
rewarding
ourselves.
Our
reward
may
be
some
kind
of
treat
-
a
snack,
a
relaxing
bath,
a
sauna,
a
massage,
some
small
article
which
we
would
enjoy
-
whatever
pleases
us!
We
can
simply
reward
ourselves
by
taking
some
time
to
reflect
upon
spiritual
matters.
We
can
celebrate
our
accomplishments.
In
these
busy
times
we
could
protect
much
more
time
for
spiritual
matters
and
for
celebration.
For
full
value
it
is
very
important
that
we
be
consciously
aware
of
the
fact
that
we
are
rewarding
ourselves.
Consciousness and awareness can be heightened for greater impact if one states aloud: “This is my reward for . . .”
5. Experience of “me - my -mine”
Those
amongst
us
with
habits
of
self-neglect
can
help
ourselves
towards
comfort
with
healthy
self
interest
through
repeated
expressing
of
“me-my-mine.”
There
is
a
method
in
this
madness
of
playing
with
the
other
extreme,
of
being
full
of
oneself.
And
that
is
our
experience
as
we
emphatically
state
“me-my-mine.”
With
this
exercise
we
encourage
the
habitually
self-
neglectful
person
to
privately
experience
the
opposite.
When
we
push
the
“me-my-mine”
to
the
limit,
we awaken to our extreme self interest, the potential brat within.
We
stick
out
our
lips,
and
with
the
tone
of
voice
of
brats
we
know,
roll
out
“me”
or
“my”
or
“mine.”
We
sound
these
out
emphatically, energetically and for our own ears.
We
try
to
relish
and
enjoy
our
play
acting.
To
make
the
face
of
the
impudent
brat,
to
really
drag
out
those
“me-my-
mines”
makes
for
fuller
impact.
We
are
allowing
ourselves
to
privately
experience,
and
grow
comfortable
with,
that
part of ourselves which can make demands of life and others.
6. Establish and Pursue Goals in life
Studies show us that people who have clear goals, who pursue their goals with determination, make fuller use of their lives.
We
study
successful
athletes
and
the
methods
they
have
developed.
Why?
Because
they
are
very
highly
motivated
and
sharpened
by
competition.
This
has
enabled
them
to
be
in
the
vanguard
of
those
who
have
learned
successful
pursuit of goals.
Sports
help
us
prepare
for
life.
So
we
can
look
to
sports
psychology
to
learn
about
pursuit
of
goals.
Success
in
sports requires discipline and we need to discipline ourselves to establish these better habits.
PURSUIT OF GOALS:
A) Formula Learned from Various Sources.
a) clarity
b) motivation c) energy
d) skill development e) preparation
f) focus
g) confidence h) “do it!”
a) Clarity
To
be
clear
about
our
goals
helps
us
achieve
them.
We
can
see
our
goals
more
clearly
if
we
make
use
of
visualization.
To
visualize,
we
first
choose
to
be
in
a
place
which
is
free
of
distractions
(people,
noise,
etc.),
next
we
close
our
eyes
in
order
to
better
concentrate
on
images
visualized.
Then
we
picture
ourselves,
three
years
from
now,
achieving
our
goal:
we
picture
ourselves in action, living out the achieved goal.
If
we
are
not
comfortable,
if
the
goal
is
fuzzy,
we
need
to
review
and
reassess
our
chosen
goal.
We
keep
repeating
until
comfortable with this goal visualized.
Once
comfortable,
we
do
this
visualization
with
regularity
to
reinforce
it,
to
implant
it
in
our
subconscious
mind.
When
implanted, it can constantly and quietly be working to help us to act to achieve the goal. b) Motivation
What can we say? We either have the motivation to work to achieve our goal, or we do not. Most worthwhile
goals
require
effort
and
sacrifice.
We
are
prepared
to
pay
the
price
or
we
are
not.
If
we
receive
coaching
and
encouragement,
we
are
more
apt
to
persevere;
our
motivation
is
fed.
Read
the
histories
of
encouragement
received
and
motivation displayed by successful people.
c) Energy
They
say
of
courage
that
it
is
the
“golden”
virtue,
the
one
which
makes
all
the
others
possible.
The
same
can
be
said
of
energy. Energy is what feeds all of the other aspects of the pursuit of goals. We have spoken
already of energy - in Exercise 8.
d) Skills
Every
athletic
activity
requires
development
of
certain
skills.
For
example,
the
tennis
player
possessed
of
a
good
backhand
stroke
is
more
apt
to
succeed
than
the
player
without
a
good
backhand.
We
look
at
the
skills
we
require
in
order
to
attain
our
chosen
goal.
Then,
like
the
athlete
or
the
musician,
we
look
for
the
best
instructor
or
coach,
and
we
apply
ourselves
to
the exercises which help us hone the skills we require.
e) Preparation
Preparation
in
sports
goes
beyond
skill
development.
As
part
of
preparation
for
action,
World
Cup
skiers
study
the
condition of the snow and the ski slopes, the “playing field.” The skier then rehearses by
repetitively running the course through visualization.
We can study our playing field: we can seek required coaching and use visualization along with skill development.
f) Focus
Somewhere,
in
my
studies,
I
came
across
the
wisdom,
“Where
our
attention
goes,
our
energy
goes.”
A
person
under
hypnosis
can
keep
his
body
so
rigid
that
it
can
perch
between
two
chairs.
This
is
possible
because
of
the
fuller
concentration
and focusing of attention and energy which occurs in a state of hypnosis.
We
train
our
attention,
as
we
train
a
muscle,
by
exercising
it.
Repeated
rehearsal
helps
us,
as
well,
to
train
our
attention
to
focus in order to perform with greater strength and determination.
g) Confidence
Confidence
comes
from
our
own
efforts
and
from
encouragement
by
others.
Our
own
efforts
include:
development
of
energy; development of skills; preparation; training our attention and ability to retain focus - all of these already mentioned.
Rehearsal is a very important element in our building of confidence. It is said that the secret to giving a
good
speech
is
to
rehearse
it
20
times.
This
may
be
an
exaggeration
but,
with
rehearsal
we
become
more
familiar
with
our
experience, thus more confident.
Encouragement
from
others
gives
additional
confidence.
Our
supporters
can
be
present
in
the
flesh,
or
we
can
draw
upon
our memories of supporters. Both can reinforce confidence.
h) Do it
This
is
what
it
is
all
about!
We
have
put
all
of
a)
through
g)
into
place.
Then
we
risk
achieving
our
goal
by
swinging
into
action.
At best, we succeed. At worst, we learn what requires more effort on our part. We learn what we need to change or develop.
7. Attain a balanced Life Style
“Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers”
- Tennyson “Locksley Hall”
We
live
in
the
Age
of
Icarus!
The
mythical
Icarus
was
a
juvenile,
not
a
mature
human
being.
He
perished
because
he
ignored
Nature
and
did
not
listen
to
the
voice
of
more
experienced
people.
He
had
the
belief
that
there
was
no
limit
to what he could do - a belief which each one of us harbours until we run into our first wall.
The
modern
soothsayers
tell
us
that
“change”
is
what
life
is
all
about.
So
we
are
to
make
changes
rather
than
come
to
decisions
to
change.
But
life
tells
us
that
the
decisions
we
make
are
much
less
apt
to
be
in
our
best
interest
than
the
ones
we come to.
Crisis
awakens
us
to
a
need
to
change.
We
can
only
change
ourselves.
And
to
look
more
deeply
is
to
see
what
we
need
to
change.
The
soothsayers
also
tell
that
the
old
values
are
not
to
be
relied
upon.
Like
Icarus,
we
are
not
to
draw
upon
the
knowledge
of
more
experienced
people.
This
would
somehow
get
in
the
way.
But
when
we
ignore
Nature,
human
and
other,
we
are
headed
for
a
fall!
If
we
ignore
experience
and
history,
we
will
need
to
relearn
everything
“the
hard
way.”
“To ignore history is to be doomed to relive it.”
There
really
is
Human
Nature.
To
be
attuned
to
it
allows
the
human
animal
to
function
with
health
and
prosperity.
Where
do
we
look
for
the
life
style
which
allows
us
to
prosper?
Well,
if
longevity
is
considered
to
be
evidence
of
a
healthy
life style, we can learn from the studies of pockets of human longevity which exist.
These
lifestyles
include
1)
regular
and
vigorous
physical
activity,
2)
this
carried
out
with
others
,
3)
which
is
of
benefit to ourselves and to community, and 4) which is celebrated within one’s community.
We
can
celebrate
the
life
style
of
Renaissance
people,
a
combination
of
meaningful
physical
activity,
intellectual
challenge,
spiritual pursuits with nourishment coming from the community and from Mother Nature.
So, the models are there for us. We find them and we live them!
The
quotes
at
the
beginning
of
Exercise
8
tend
to
bring
home
two
truths:
1)
that
we
ourselves
possess
the
potential
to
develop
and
maintain
good
habits
of
living
and
2)
one
of
these
good
habits
can
be
that
of
looking
for
what
is
to
be
enjoyed
in this life.
“Nothing is stronger than habit”
- Ovid, “Ars Amatoria”
Exercise 9
COURAGE
"Courage is the golden virtue.
It makes all of the others possible."
- author unknown
If
self
expression
is
our
goal
in
life,
then
we
require
courage.
If
being
ourselves
is
our
goal
in
life,
then
we
require
courage.
If
survival
of
self
and
loved
ones
is
our
aim,
we
need
courage
in
order
to
protect.
If
we
desire
to
be
respected,
and
have
respect for ourselves, we need courage.
Some
say
that
we
exhibit
courage
when
we
will
ourselves
to
do
things
which
we
fear
doing.
Others
say
that
the
courageous
person might be knocked down in life but refuses to stay down. These are good working definitions.
My
observations
tell
me
that
three
qualities
contribute
to
courage:
1)
the
capacity
for
self
protection,
2)
an
ability
to
deal
constructively
with
anger
and
3)
a
readiness
to
call
for
assistance
from
allies
when
we
need
it.
So,
I
want
us
to
look
at
courage under these three headings: 1) Self protection,
2) Anger 3) Friends and Allies.
1. Self Protective Instinct
All
animals
have
a
self-protective
instinct
and
we
human
beings
are,
at
one
level,
civil
animals.
The
self-
protective
instinct
keeps
us
awake
and
alert
to
danger
and
to
opportunities
for
self.
It
acts
like
a
sentry.
And,
when
our
self
protective
instinct
is
under-developed,
we
are
quite
slow
to
awaken
to
what
we
want
or
do
not
want.
If
we
tend
to
waken
hours
or
days
after
the event to what we wish we had said or wish we had done, our self-protective instinct needs to be better toned.
I
will
use
instinct
and
intuition
interchangeably
in
this
section
of
the
book.
Both
refer
to
an
innate
"gut"
reaction.
Instincts
do
not
provide
us
with
reasons
and
we
should
not
expect
an
instinct
to
do
more
than
to
tell
us
"this
feels
right
for
me"
or "this does not feel right for me."
Sometimes
the
self-protective
instinct
is
overly
active
and
then
we
have
a
state
of
mind
called
"hypervigilance."
The
hypervigilant
person
is
too
alert
for
his
or
her
own
good,
takes
in
too
many
signals
from
within
self
or
outside
of
self.
A
hypervigilant
person
then
can
be
on
"overload",
can
perhaps
become
a
little
paranoidal
and
certainly
be
vulnerable
to
fatigue. But this is another matter.
In
this
section
we
are
attempting
to
be
clear
about
a
healthy
self-protective
instinct.
It
is
an
aspect
of
our
aggressive
side.
We
teach
our
children
to
be
assertive
but
not
aggressive.
Yet
people
enjoy
being
aggressive.
The
failure
to
admit
to
this,
as
an
aspect
of
our
humanity,
can
hamper
us.
Perhaps
"own
your
aggression
and
take
charge
of
it"
could
become
incorporated as one of our commandments?
A) GOAL AND GAINS
1. Habits of knowing our mind and being able to state it - of stating our truth
2. Habits of knowing our preferences and promptly
3.
Habits
of
being
alert
to
danger
and
to
opportunity
-
gaining
respect
for
ourselves
and
from
others,
trust
of
us
and
by
others
B) BASICS
I
like
to
compare
the
self
protective
instinct
to
a
muscle.
A
muscle
becomes
better
toned
if
it
is
exercised
properly
and
regularly.
Similarly
a
flabby
self
protective
instinct
can
be
toned
and
strengthened
by
regular
practice
of
an
exercise.
The
exercise
is
one
of
simply
saying
"no"
with
a
tone
of
real
determination
in
one's
voice.
The
simplest
question
for
me
to
ask
myself,
when
deciding
whether
I
need
to
do
this
exercise,
is
this
"Do
I
waken
promptly
or
hours
or
days
later,
to
what
I
wish I had said or done?"
When
we
say
"no"
emphatically
and
determinedly,
we
both
exercise
and
experience
our
self
protective
instinct.
The
oftener
we
do
it,
the
more
familiar
we
become
with
experiencing
our
self
protective
instinct.
As
we
become
more
familiar
with
it,
we
become more comfortable with it. Our trust and confidence in it grows.
The exercise of "no"
We
practice
this
privately
so
that
we
are
not
self
conscious
or
distracted
by
others.
We
use
the
expression
"I
mean
no"
when
practicing.
We
do
not
drop
our
tone
of
voice
but
actually
put
more
energy
into
the
last
word
"no."
We
look
for
a
tone
of
real
determination
in
our
voice.
Finally,
we
take
one
fist
and
punch
it
into
the
palm
of
the
other
hand
to
increase
emphasis
with
each
of
the
words
"I
mean
no."
The
accompanying
physical
expression,
of
fist
into
palm,
generates
more
energy
and
one
hears
these
three
words
expressed
more
emphatically.
This
allows
fuller
experience
of
the
self
protective
instinct.We
arelooking for determination, not shouting, in the tone of voice.It is the growling dog, not the barker, who is apt to bite.
We
are
usually
much
more
emphatic
and
determined
when
practicing
than
we
are
required
to
be
when
dealing
with
others
in
daily
situations.
This
is
akin
to
the
training
many
athletes
undergo:
they
work
much
harder
in
training
than
they
will
be
required
to
work
in
the
actual
contest.
The
same
principle
applies
here
-
much
more
emphatic
in
the
private
practicing than will be required in the real life situation.
Some
people
when
starting
with
this
feel
awkward
or
even
a
bit
anxious.
If
they
know
they
are
doing
it
for
a
good
purpose,
they
generally
will
persevere,
overcome
the
anxiety
and
actually
come
to
enjoy
hearing
the
reassuring
determination
of
"no"
coming
from
within
themselves.
Since
people
pay
most
attention
to
body
language
(60%),
next
most
attention
to
tone
of
voice
(30%),
and
least
to
actual
words
(10%)
in
any
communication,
we
need
to
have
an
expression
of
determination
on
our
face
and
the
tone
of
determination
in
our
voice
when
we
do
this
exercise.
We
then
mean
business
and
this
becomes apparent both to the other person and to ourselves.
As
we
repeat
this
exercise
over
and
over
again,
privately,
we
will
gradually
begin
to
note
some
form
of
expression
of
"no"
working its way into our individual lives. This is heartening.
Sometimes
we
believe
that
we
have
come
far
enough
in
developing
habits
of
saying
"no"
promptly
and
we
drift
away
from
practicing.
Over
a
period
of
time
we
may
find
that
we
would
be
well
advised
to
get
back
to
this
practice
and
to
bring
our
capacity to say "no" promptly to a higher level.
C) ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS
a) More Satisfaction, Less Frustration and Pain
The
more
alert
we
are
to
the
need
to
protect
ourselves
from
emotional
pain
in
life,
the
less
pain
we
suffer.
The
more
alert
we
are
to
opportunities
for
ourselves,
the
more
satisfaction
we
are
apt
to
find
in
our
lives.
That
is
stating
it
as
simply
as
it
can be stated.
The
self-protective
instinct
is
important
if
we
are
to
compete
successfully
in
this
world.
And
to
be
involved
in
life
is
to
compete,
to
react
and
to
respond
to
challenge
and
to
opportunity.
A
well
toned
self-protective
instinct
is
basic
to
our
success
in all of these areas.
b) Martial Arts as Model and Method
The
various
martial
arts
(judo,
karate,
Aikido,
etc)
are
ancient
and
effective
methods
of
strengthening
the
Instinct
while
also disciplining the person to contain as well as express it.
Most
of
the
training
is
in
protecting
oneself
against
aggression
from
others.
However,
when
absolutely
forced
to,
the
student of martial arts is also taught how to inflict pain and to bring to a halt the aggression from others.
Pain
is
the
great
"stopper"
in
life.
It
also
awakens
us
to
a
need
for
action
on
our
part.
People
who
suffer
too
much
pain
or
have lack of self protective instinct can choose to train to develop the self protective instinct within one of the martial arts.
c) "No" and "Yes"
"No"
is
one
of
the
first
words
used
by
a
child.
It
is
indeed
innate,
instinctive
and
intuitive
-
whatever
word
suits
to
describe it.
As
with
the
child,
we
may
not
always
have
our
way
when
we
say
"no"
but
we
certainly
need
to
be
encouraged
to
speak
up
and
use
that
word
on
our
own
behalf.
When
the
parent
acts
as
a
good
coach
for
the
child,
the
parent
will
say
to
the
child
"you have the right to say "no" but things can not always go your way."
And,
once
comfortable
with
"no"
we
observe
ourselves
responding
with
a
"yes"
-
in
voice
or
action
to
opportunities.
A
Newfoundlander
relative
is
fond
of
saying
"when
the
cookies
are
being
passed
is
the
time
for
taking
cookies!"
"Strike
while
the
iron
is
hot"
also
comes
to
mind.
We
can
take
the
greater
risk
of
going
after
what
we
want
-
saying
"yes"
to
life
-
when
we realize that we will self protect and, we are ready to accept the outcome if we can not have what we want
d) Instinct and Reason
We
need
to
differentiate
between
instinct
and
reason.
We
often
refer
to
our
instinctive
reactions
as
"gut
reactions",
of
our "smell" of the situation.These words indicate that we experience instinctive messages in our bodies, not in our minds.
An
instinctive
reaction
lets
us
know
that
we
feel
good
or
do
not
feel
good
about
a
situation.
An
instinct
does
not
fill
in
the
details
or
give
the
reasons
why.
An
instinct
does
awaken
us
and
then
prompts
us
to
act
in
our
own
best
interest.
So
we
can
trust our instinctive reactions.
Our
educational
system
places
emphasis
on
the
development
of
reason
and
reasoning
is
obviously
important.
But
it
is
our
instinct,
not
our
intellect,
which
comes
to
our
rescue
when
we
need
to
immediately
awaken
and
respond
in
our
own best interest in a given situation.
Indeed
we
can
be
reasoned
away
from
a
decision
which
instinct
tells
would
be
in
our
own
best
interest.
How
often
have
we
instinctively
said
"no"
to
a
proposal
which
we
sense
to
be
wrong
for
us
only
to
be
met
with
a
"why?"
Wishing
to
be
cooperative
and
accommodating
we
offer
an
explanation.
The
other
person
promptly
points
out
some
defect
in
our
reasoning.
Still
wishing
to
be
"reasonable",
we
agree
that
our
explanation
is
imperfect,
change
our
mind
and
suffer
as
a
consequence. But, as it turns out, our initial and instinctive reaction was the right one for us.
e) Risk Self Expression - giving voice to our Truth
If
we
are
going
to
"be
ourselves"
in
this
world,
we
are
going
to
develop
our
capacity
to
risk
expressing
ourselves,
to
"giving
voice."
When
we
express,
in
voice
or
in
action,
what
we
feel
and
think
-
our
truth
-
we
are
being
ourselves.
Then
we
become
vulnerable
to
criticism
or
attack.
We
need
then
to
be
able
to
take
a
stand
for
ourselves
and
a
healthy
self
protective instinct allows us to do that. So comfort with self protection is vital to freely voicing who we are!
If
we
express
ourselves
-
state
our
truth,
what
we
think
and
feel
at
the
moment
-
we
respect
ourselves
and
are
respected
by
others.
And,
it
is
far
more
important
to
be
respected
than
to
be
popular.
There
is
the
story
of
the
novice
high
school
teacher
who
was
advised
by
an
older
teacher
"never
smile
before
Christmas!"
What
the
older
teacher
was
saying
was
"first gain the respect of the students, and then allow some friendly interaction with them."
f) "I won't" and "no"
Some
people
have
learned
to
protect
themselves
not
by
saying
"no"
but
rather
with
a
silent
expression
of
"I
won't."
This
manifests
itself
in
such
patterns
as
stubbornness,
defiance
and
rebelliousness.
The
silent
statement
behind
the
outward
defensiveness is "you can't make me do it" or "I won't be pushed around."
People
who
develop
these
silently
defensive
"I
won't"
mechanisms
have
usually
had
an
intrusive
or
pushy
parent
who
would
not
allow
them
to
openly
say
"no."
So
the
trick
here
is
to
convert
the
defensive
energy
in
the
habitual
"I
won't"
into
the
more effective self protective "no."
Why
is
"no"
superior
to
"I
won't"
as
a
form
of
self
protection?
When
we
protect
ourselves
with
"I
won't"
we
become
a
person
who
stubbornly
shuts
his
or
her
mouth
while
digging
their
feet
in
and
folding
their
arms
across
their
chest
with
an
attitude
of
"you
can't
make
me
do
it."
We
are
standing
our
ground
but
shutting
ourselves
off
from
what
we
want to say and express. So we protect ourselves at cost.
When
we
protect
ourselves
with
"no",
we
remain
open
to
say
more,
to
say
"further
more
etc."
We
are
not
closing
off
our
self-expression and suffering as a consequence of doing that.
Exercise to convert "I won't" habits to "No"
How
do
we
convert
our
self
protective
habits
from
"I
won't"
to
"no?"
It
is
a
relatively
simple
operation
but
it
takes
some
perseverance
and
patience.
We
first
say
repetitively
"I
won't"
and
listen
to
the
tone
and
determination
in
our
voice.
Then we say repetitively "no" and listen to the amount of energy in that expression.
Usually there is more energy in the "I won't" because that has been the habit.
We
follow
with
the
emphatic
and
determined
stating
of
"no",
trying
-
but
not
forcing
ourselves
-
to
generate
an
equal
amount
of
energy
and
determination
in
the
expression
"no."
If
we
are
patient
and
persevere,
gradually
we
will
find
more
emphasis
and
determination
working
its
way
into
the
"no"
and
eventually,
the
expression
of
"no"
will
be
just
as
emphatic.
What benefit is this to us? It benefits us in two ways:
1)
We
genuinely
train
ourselves
to
become
comfortable
in
saying
"no"
and
begin
to
do
so
and
2)
we
begin
to
awaken
to
when
we
are
sliding
into
the
old
"I
won't"
attitude
and
stance.
As
we
awaken
ourselves
to
being
in
this
"I
won't"
mode,
we
have
the
opportunity
to
correct
it
and
to
say
something
such
as
"Just
a
minute.
I
did
not
express
myself
fully.
What
I
wanted
to say is, that I am not in favour of that decision, so my vote on it would be a 'no'."
i) Taking a Stand
There
is
risk
involved
in
expressing
what
we
feel,
need,
and
think
-
our
Truth.
We
then
become
vulnerable
to
criticism
or
attack. So we need to be able to take a stand for ourselves and the self-protective instinct allows us to do that.
To
assert
ourselves
is
often
to
compete
in
the
world
or
on
the
playing
field.
If
we
are
going
to
pursue
our
goals,
take
a
stand
for
ourselves,
show
determination,
we
need
a
well
developed
self-protective
instinct.
Then
we
are
more
apt
to
compete,
to
use our abilities fully and to find success.
j) Be Assertive, Not Aggressive
Many
people
attend
assertiveness
training
workshops
so
that
they
can
learn
to
be
assertive.
Some
people
who
attend
are,
by
habit,
aggressive
and
others
passive.
To
be
assertive
is
to
state
what
one
has
to
say
about
one's
experience,
one's
opinion
or thought, without being critical or attacking.
We need to keep in mind that some people are extra sensitive to anything that even smells like criticism. They perceive
criticism
as
a
"you
do
not
love
me"
message.
The
goal
is
to
say
what
we
have
in
mind,
not
"walk
on
eggs"
around
these
extra
sensitive people. Sometimes it is a very difficult goal to achieve.
I
once
heard
the
statement
"exercise
your
judgment
but
do
not
criticize."
This
seems
to
be
at
the
core
of
assertiveness.
We
need
to
exercise
our
judgment,
as
mature
and
self
respecting
people.
However,
whatever
our
judgment
and
opinion,
it
needs
to
be
expressed
in
a
none
attacking
and
non
critical
way.
When
our
judgment
is
in
disagreement
with
the
position
stated
by
someone
else,
we
can
assert
ourselves
with
statements
such
as
"I
have
not
had
the
same
experience", or "I do not find myself reacting in the same way - this is how I find myself reacting (thoughts and feelings)."
For
those
amongst
us
who
tend
by
habit
to
be
critical,
it
has
been
suggested
that
we
preface
our
expression
of
experience
and
opinion
with
"from
my
heart
let
me
say
to
you
that
this
is
my
experience
or
this
is
my
perception."
The
"from
my
heart -" causes the speaker to pause and be more perceptive and compassionate, avoiding sharp criticism.
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING EXERCISE
At
assertiveness
training
workshops
this
exercise
is
being
taught.
I
do
not
know
to
whom
to
give
credit
for
designing
it
but
it
is
certainly
a
very
effective
exercise.
It
is
commonly
used
by
people
who
need
to
learn
to
set
boundaries
in
relationships with another person.
The exercise has several parts to it:
Part 1 "There is something which I would like you to know." (Stated to the offending person)
Part 2 "When you do or say such-and-such, it has this impact upon me."
Part
3
the
person
using
the
exercise
pauses
to
simply
listen
to
the
reaction
of
the
person
to
whom
he
or
she
is
conveying
the
message.
The
person
who
has
heard
the
message
about
disruptive
behaviour
probably
will
respond
with
a
defensive
comment.
Part
4
the
person
delivering
the
message
simply
acknowledges
the
comments
made
by
the
recipient
of
the
message
with
a
statement
such
as
"I
hear
what
you
say."
The
person
who
is
delivering
the
assertive
statement
does
not
get
caught
up
in
responding
to
whatever
defensive
comments
are
made
because,
to
do
this,
is
to
"dance
to
the
tune"
of
the
recipient
of
the
message and to lose one's own message in the process.
Part
5
The
person
asserting
them
self
then
simply
starts
from
the
beginning
with
"there
is
something
I
would
like
you
to
know, when you do or say such- and -such it has this impact upon me."
Generally
the
person
receiving
the
message
will
react
defensively
because
what
they
are
hearing
is
not
perceived
to
be
good
news.
However,
a
surprising
number
of
people
will
walk
away
from
this
type
of
situation
and
allow
what
they
have
heard
to
sink
in.
Later,
they
will
give
evidence
of
having
listened
to
and
absorbed
the
message
by
stating
what
they
have
learned
or
simply implementing changed behaviour.
Sometimes
this
process
must
be
repeated
on
a
few
occasions
before
the
person
who
needs
to
hear
of
their
offensive
behaviour
really
wakens
up
and
changes.
In
the
meantime,
the
person
who
has
spoken
up
and
delivered
the
message
can walk away from the encounter with some measure of self respect.
k) Respect for Self, and from Others
When
we
fail
to
act
in
our
own
best
interest
and
to
protect
ourselves,
we
act
as
though
we
do
not
like
ourselves.
If
we
let
ourselves
down
and
lose
respect
for
ourselves,
we
criticize
ourselves
and
become
anxious
lest
we
allow
this
to
happen again.
On
the
other
hand,
whenever
we
do
act
in
our
best
interest,
we
like
and
praise
ourselves
and
our
respect
for
ourselves
grows.
Others
are
aware
of
the
person
who
fails
to
self
protect.
They
lose
respect
for
that
person
and,
whatever tendency they have to bully is apt to be brought forth.
The person who acts with self protection and self respect builds trust in self and both trust and respect from others.
l) "One Liners"
We
all
know
people
who
are
quick
with
brief
retorts
to
offensive
behaviour.
These
retorts
are
not
confrontive
but
deliver
the
message
to
the
offending
person,
and
commonly,
they
are
referred
to
as
"one
liners."
We
do
well
to
learn
from
those
of
our
acquaintance
who
use
"one
liners"
and
effectively.
Then
we
can
privately
practice
saying
the
"one
liners"
and
listen
to
them
to
see
whether
or
not
we
are
comfortable
with
them.
If
we
are
comfortable
with
any
particular
"one
liner"
it
is
well
to
practice
it
time
and
time
again.
This
is
akin
to
rehearsing
one's
lines
for
a
stage
play.
The
more
often
we
repeat
the
lines,
the
more comfortable we become with them and the easier it will be to deliver them effectively.
I
can
only
scratch
the
surface
in
terms
of
relating
the
wealth
of
"one
liners'
which
exist.
An
example
is
"you
seemed
to
get
out
of
the
wrong
side
of
the
bed
this
morning."
One
which
was
delivered
to
me
when
I
was
chairing
a
meeting
in
a
very
abrasive
way
was
"I
would
hate
to
be
your
dog."
Others
include
"you
are
in
a
great
mood
today."
For
the
person
who
tends
to feel picked upon and ill treated "someone put a telephone post right where you are walking, one more time."
When
we
respond
to
aggressive
or
abusive
behaviour
with
a
"one
liner"
the
message
within
it
registers
with
the
other
person
because
the
message
is
not
presented
in
a
confrontive
way.
There
is
no
need
to
"save
face."
Moreover,
the
person
who has delivered the "one liner" walks away with some self respect for they have spoken up on their own behalf.
2. Dealing Effectively With Anger
Anger
is
not
the
problem.
What
we
do,
when
angry,
makes
all
the
difference.
Anger
awakens
us
when
there
is
threat,
when
there
is
pain,
when
we
are
frustrated,
when
we
are
indignant
and
this
is
good
news!
For
each
one
of
these
calls
for
us
to
act
in
some
way
so
that
we
avoid
pain
and
deal
with
the
problem.
We
then
have
an
opportunity
to
convert
the
energy
of
anger into determination.
Chinese
wisdom
has
it
that
a
crisis
is
an
opportunity
to
learn
and
to
change.
Anger
awakens
us
to
a
problem
or
a
crisis.
We
can
make
use
of
the
energy
of
anger
to
see
what
we
might
change
if
we
are
to
learn
from
the
crisis
and
grow.
The
change
will be within ourselves because we are the only person we have the power to change.
There
is
a
good
deal
of
energy
available
to
us
when
we
are
angry.
It
is
important
to
train
ourselves
to
redirect
that
energy into a determination to make a change within ourselves or to take constructive action.
The
trick
is
to
develop
habits
of
awakening
to
anger
early,
when
it
is
not
yet
overly
intense.
It
is
much
easier
to
take
charge
of
anger when it is relatively mild.
The
word
"anger"
is
used
commonly
to
refer
to
a
response
to
one
of
three
feeling
states,
all
of
which
manifest
themselves in the same way to both the subject and to the observer:
a)
"Frustration"
which
is
the
anger
we
experience
when
rendered
impotent
and
helpless
despite
our
Efforts;
b)
"Indignation" which is the anger response to feeling wronged or slighted, eg. Righteous indignation and outrage;
c)
"Hostility"
which
is
an
anger
response
habitually
induced
and
used
defensively
to
keep
ourselves
and
others
from
contacting our softer feelings and our vulnerability.
It
is
important
to
awaken
to
our
defensive
hostility
-
and
to
attempt
to
drop
it.
I
shall
have
nothing
more
to
say
about
hostility in this book. From this point on, I refer to frustration or indignation when using the term "anger."
As
group
living
beings,
living
and
interacting
with
others,
we
are
bound
to
encounter
frustration
and
indignation.
The
better
able we are to recognize and manage our frustration and indignation, the more fully will we be able to live.
People
who
can
deal
comfortably
with
their
anger
and
that
of
others,
will
find
much
more
success
in
interpersonal
relationships
and
in
the
work-a-day
world.
Individuals
who
are
frightened
by
anger
are
too
easily
intimidated
by
others
and stifle themselves with defensive living and are less reliable.
A) GOALS AND GAINS
a) Venting Anger Safely and Settling Down
1. Reducing unexpressed anger as an internal stressor
2. Not dumping anger upon others
3. Differentiating between indignation, frustration and hostility - all called "anger"
4. Spotting anger early, when it is minimal and easier to manage
5. Seeing that indignation and frustration are natural signals that "something is wrong"
6.
Acting
comfortably
upon
the
anger
signal
to
address
and
attempt
to
resolve
the
problem,
to
change
whatever
requires
change
b) Containing Anger
c) Reliability, Success with People and in Work
B) BASICS
a) Venting Anger Safely and Settling Down
There
are
several
ways
of
safely
and
effectively
venting
anger.
And
it
is
important
to
vent
it
because,
when
we
simply
stifle
our
anger,
we
tie
up
perfectly
good
energy
to
keep
the
lid
on
it.
In
fact,
some
illnesses
are
believed
to
be
aggravated
by
accumulations of unexpressed anger. Amongst those are hypertension and migraine.
Why
vent
anger?
To
get
rid
of
it
and
the
fatigue
that
comes
from
bottling
it
up;
to
get
rid
of
it
so
that
it
does
not
have
an
ill
effect
on
some
organ
system
of
our
body
and
worsen
a
disease
process;
so
that
the
bottled
up
anger
is
not
directed
against a person or object and to everyone's disadvantage. These are some of the reasons for venting anger.
Methods of venting anger
1) Punching or kicking a mattress
2) "Empty chair" technique
3) Imagery and Visualizing
4) Journal writing
1. Punching or kicking a mattress
If
we
use
the
muscles
of
our
body
to
punch
or
kick
we
can
release
more
energy
than
we
can
by
simply
vocalizing.
We
choose
a
mattress
to
kick
or
punch
because
we
will
not
hurt
the
mattress
and
the
mattress
will
not
hurt
us!
This
is
rather
important. If I pound a wall I might break my fist or have a damage repair bill to pay.
When
venting
against
a
mattress
we
may
see
a
mental
image
of
the
person
or
the
event
causing
our
anger.
Then
we
spontaneously
kick
or
punch
the
mattress
while,
at
the
same
time,
giving
spontaneous
vocal
expression
to
whatever
is in our mind, our imagery.
Since
we
do
not
want
to
scare
the
dogs
or
children
or
neighbours
we
do
this
privately.
Turning
on
the
radio
or
vacuum
cleaner
while
doing
it
to
diminish
the
sound
helps
prevent
us
from
frightening
others.
We
keep
punching
or
kicking
until we have emptied out all of the anger which is in our consciousness at that point in time.
This
may
need
to
be
repeated
on
a
number
of
occasions,
as
with
all
of
these
techniques,
before
we
have
finally
cleaned
out of our system all of the anger. It is important to do that - to not stop short of having fully cleaned out the anger.
WARNING!
The
purpose
of
this
practice
is
not
to
prompt
expression
of
anger
against
people.
If
you
find
yourself
becoming
angrier,
rather
than
emptying
out
anger,
do
not
use
the
practice.
If
you
feel
that
you
are
apt
to
lose
control
of
the
anger,
stop
it.
You
might
be
able
to
make
use
of
venting
anger
through
these
various
means
when
not
on
your
own
but
rather
under professional supervision.
2. The empty chair
Seat
yourself
in
a
chair
and
place
another
chair
opposite
yourself.
It
is
helpful
to
put
a
pillow
in
the
chair
we
are
facing,
because
we
want
the
pillow
to
represent
the
person
we
have
in
mind
and
a
pillow
helps
us
to
focus
our
attention.
We
then
spontaneously
tell
that
person
any
and
everything
we
resent
about
them.
We
do
not
edit
or
censor.
It
is
very
important
to be spontaneous and give full vocal expression.
We
keep
at
it
until
we
feel
finished
with
the
expression
of
any
anger
that
we
are
aware
of
at
the
moment.
This
exercise
may
need
to
be
repeated
on
a
number
of
occasions
before
we
have
emptied
out
all
of
our
anger.
Having
vented
our
anger,
we
then
state
to
the
imagined
person
(represented
by
the
pillow)
"I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you"
that
statement
helps
us
to
be
more
aware
of
how
much
anger
we
might
still
hold
towards
the
person.
This
is
discussed
more fully in Exercise 11 - Forgiveness.
3. Imagery and Visualization
It
seems
that
we
carry
within
ourselves
any
and
everything
which
we
have
failed
to
express
in
our
lifetime.
And
we
can
capitalize
on
this,
along
with
our
ability
to
visualize
a
person
or
situation,
to
drag
anger
out
of
our
subconscious
and
get
it
out
of
our
bodies.
Indeed,
sometimes
the
memory
of
the
person
or
situation
appears
spontaneously,
along
with
the
feelings of anger. That provides an opportunity for spontaneous expression of some of this bottled up anger.
What
we
do
is
visualize
the
person
or
situation
and
say
to
the
imagined
person
"if
you
pulled
that
on
me
now,
this
is
what
I
would say or do."
I
refer
to
this
as
"better
late
as
never."
And
there
is
a
bonus
for
us
when
we
say
to
the
person
in
imagery
"If
you
did
or
said
that
now,
I
would
react
in
this
way
to
you."
What
is
the
bonus?
What
we
would
say
in
that
situation
now
would
be
a
more
honest
expression.
When
we
hear
ourselves
expressing
ourselves
more
honestly
and
fully,
we
waken
up
to
the
fact
that
we
are
no
longer
the
child
we
were
when
that
painful
event
occurred.
And
it
is
important
that
we
realize
that
we
are
no
longer
the
helpless
child,
but
have
become
much
more
capable
adults.
Finally,
it
is
better
to
get
rid
of
anger
after
the
fact
than to never get rid of it at all.
4. Writing
Some
people
find
that
they
are
effectively
able
to
vent
anger
by
spontaneously
writing
in
a
journal.
Again,
one
must
be
spontaneous
and
not
edit
or
censor
anything
which
comes
to
mind.
We
want
whatever
comes
to
mind
to
be
written
on
the
paper.
We
want
to
give
full
and
adult
expression
by
writing.
Use
free
association
and
trust
what
comes
to
mind
- no censoring.
b) Containing Anger
Most
of
what
has
been
written
so
far
has
to
do
with
experiencing
and
expressing
anger,
as
compared
with
various
means
of
controlling
anger
(suppression,
repression,
denial
etc.).
There
is
another
mature
mode
of
dealing
with
the
energy
of
anger
and aggression and that is called "containing."
Now
what
is
the
difference
between
containing
and
controlling?
Consider
a
rider
on
a
very
spirited
horse
with
the
spirit
being
the
energy
of
the
anger
and
aggression
and
the
rider
being
ourselves.
The
rider
takes
his
or
her
hands
off
of
the
reins
and
the
horse
is
free
to
run
wild.
If
the
rider
pulls
too
hard
on
the
reins,
it
controls
and
allows
no
outlet
for
the
energy
of
the
horse.
If
the
rider
has
a
firm
grip
on
the
reins,
"gives
the
horse
its
head"
and
allows
it
to
run
but
with
some
direction,
this is the equivalent of "containing." We can learn to contain our anger.
From
the
world
of
golf
we
can
find
another
metaphor.
I
learned
once
of
a
very
famous
golfer
who
was
asked
how
one
develops
one's
skills
as
a
golfer.
He
said
the
first
thing
you
learn
to
do
is
to
hit
the
ball
freely.
Then,
having
learned
to
hit
the
ball,
one
learns
to
contain
the
energy
of
one's
swing
in
order
to
give
more
accurate
direction
to
the
ball
-
to
hit
the
ball
in
a
more
contained
way.
This
is
the
difference
between
free
expression
and
containing.
With
the
familiar
"counting
to
ten"
when
angry,
we
have
another
example
from
folklore
of
the
containing
of
anger
and
aggression.
Sometimes
when
agitated about an issue we are encouraged to "sleep on it", another way of containing and digesting.
When
we
"sleep
on
it",
we
give
ourselves
a
chance
to
literally
digest
the
feeling
of
anger
and
aggression,
to
Expose
it
to
the
influence
of
the
experience
which
resides
in
our
subconscious.
This
time
taken
to
digest,
while
containing
the
feeling,
gives
us
an
opportunity
to
gain
more
objectivity
about
the
situation
and
come
to
a
more
level
headed
decision
about
what
action
to take
- If any!
Since
most
incidents
in
life
which
evoke
anger,
are
not
life
threatening,
we
can
usually
safely
afford
ourselves
time
to
reflect
upon,
to
contain,
before
arriving
at
a
decision
for
action.
Sometimes
we
realize
that
there
is
no
point
in
taking
any
action.
To deal maturely with anger and aggression is to contain it before acting, unless it is a life threatening situation.
c) Reliability, Success with People and in Work
I
remember
attending
a
medical
meeting
years
ago
and
one
presenter
noted
that
the
individual
who
is
comfortable
with
anger
goes
farther
in
personal
life
and
in
the
world
of
business.
I
have
come
to
see
that
this
is
so.
If
you
are
annoyed
with
your
boss
and
you
are
able
to
walk
in
and
say
"Look!
I
am
really
annoyed
about
such-and-such
situation",
and
the
boss
is
able
to
hear
that
without
being
thrown
into
a
turmoil,
that
boss
will
be
perceived
as
a
more
reliable
and
effective
person. The boss will be perceived as a more trustworthy person, one capable of some objectivity and leadership.
I
had
a
personal
experience
along
these
lines
when
a
Resident
in
post
medical
school
training.
I
was
very
annoyed
about
a
situation
and
went
to
my
then
mentor
to
speak
about
it
-
and
with
some
passion
in
my
voice.
This
particular
supervisor
was
made
anxious
by
the
evidence
of
anger
in
my
tone
of
voice
and
went
to
his
superior
to
speak
of
it.
His
superior
was
a
mature
individual
who
called
me
into
his
office
to
hear
what
I
had
to
say.
Upon
listening
to
me
he
simply
made
a
decision
to
switch
me
to
another
supervisor
in
the
hospital
chain
of
command.
I
had
no
difficulty
at
all
dealing
with
this new person who could comfortably accept the angry voice of an irate resident.
And
what
applies
to
our
reliability
and
success
in
the
business
world
also
applies
to
our
reliability
and
success
with
friends
and
family.
When
we
listen
to
anger
and
are
capable
of
expressing
our
own
annoyance
in
a
contained
fashion,
we
will
indeed will be perceived as being reliable and have more success in life.
3) Friends and Allies
"The
desire
for
friendship
is
strong
in
every
human
heart.
We
crave
the
companionship
of
those
who
can
understand
-
we
long
for the presence of one who sympathizes with our aspirations, comprehends our hopes, and is able to partake of our joys."
- Elbert Hubbard
When
I
describe
here
what
we
need
and
look
for
in
a
friend,
I
am
also
making
clear
those
qualities
which
we
need
to
possess
if
we
are
to
be
a
friend.
We
have
often
heard
the
expression
"safety
in
numbers"
and
this
applies
in
terms
of
friendships.
There
are
many
different
facets
and
aspects
of
the
personality
of
each
one
of
us.
There
is
no
"perfect"
person
out
there
-
the
one
person
who
can
empathize
with
and
respond
to
every
aspect
of
your
personality,
or
mine.
There
are
many people who can relate to 80% of who we are.
So,
if
we
have
a
number
of
friends,
we
are
more
apt
to
have
available
to
us
the
people
we
need
to
respond
to
each
and
every aspect of our personality. Collectively our friends can be the
100% "perfect" person whom we need. "Safety in numbers" is the old wisdom!
Humans
are
group
living
animals
and
they
depend
upon
other
human
beings
for
survival.
Also,
those
who
have
more
friends are apt to make fuller use of their abilities and actually thrive. Watch athletes respond to "the roar of the crowd."
I
recall
once
reading
a
study
of
a
small
community
in
a
northern
US
state.
They
were
attempting
to
discover
whether
there
was
any
relationship
between
the
number
of
close
friends
an
individual
had
and
the
occurrence
of
illness
or
the
age
of
death.
As
I
recall
the
results,
people
who
had
seven
friends
or
more
lived
longer
and
suffered
less
with
ill
health
during
their
lifetime
so
I
have
turned
that
into
what
I
call
my
"rule
of
seven."
Our
goal
is
to
have
a
minimum
of
seven
people
with
whom
we
can
be
quite
open.
This
is
not
written
in
stone.
Many
people
do
very
well
on
this
earth
with
fewer than seven friends but it is good to have seven in mind.
I
find
that
friends
are
like
gardens:
the
more
attention
we
give
to
them,
the
more
they
flourish.
As
an
addition
to
the
definition
of
friendship
contained
at
the
beginning
of
this
section,
I
like
another
working
definition
of
a
friend.
It
goes
as
follows
"a
friend
is
a
person
who
basically
has
my
good
will
in
mind,
who
will
do
what
he
or
she
can
to
help
me,
if
I
let
him
or
her
know
what
I
need!"
We
also
want
to
possess
these
same
qualities.
Friends,
like
others,
are
not
mind
readers.
If
we
fail
to
let
them
know
what
we
need,
we
do
not
give
them
the
opportunity
to
demonstrate
their
friendship.
Many
people
tell
me
that
they
have
quite
a
number
of
friends
but
they
do
not
speak
up
and
allow
these
people
to
give
expression
to
their
warmth and caring.
Friends
are
like
cheering
sections
in
life.
The
team
which
is
cheered
and
encouraged
operates
with
more
heart
and
determination
and
therefore
perseveres
and
succeeds
more.
We
are
the
same.
This
applies
to
the
ordinary
competitiveness
of everyday life.
There
are
times
when
we
are
confronted
with
more
than
we
can
handle,
with
responsibilities
and
stress
which
can
in
one
way
or
another
crush
us.
At
that
point
in
time
we
would
wisely
reach
out
to
our
friends
and
let
them
know
that
we
need
a
hand.
This
is
far
superior
to
silence
and
making
ourselves
vulnerable
to
some
stress
related
illness.
We
all
need
the habit of calling for help when our adversaries and our life responsibilities seem too large for us to handle alone.
We
can
remember
the
child
who
knew
that
he
or
she
was
supported
by
a
parent,
or
big
brother
or
sister,
and
that
child
having
more
courage
and
bravery
in
the
face
of
adversity.
That
same
applies
to
us
as
adults.
We
are
able
to
take
a
more
resolute and determined stand when we know we are backed by friends or allies.
If we have no visible allies, we need the habit of drawing upon memories of friends.
A) GOALS AND GAINS
1. To develop the habit of calling for help from our friends when required.
2. To develop the habit of drawing strength and moral support from our memories and from our God.
3. To develop the habit of spontaneously giving ourselves a lift by remembering friendly and encouraging people.
4.
From
these
habits
to
enhance
our
courage
and
our
readiness
to
stand
alone,
along
with
our
ability
to
weather
rejection.
B) BASICS
I am going to outline two commonly used exercises:
1. Contact-a-Friend-a-Day
With
this
exercise
we
make
a
list
of
our
friends
with
their
addresses
and
telephone
numbers.
Then
we
make
a
point
of
contacting at least one of those people every day. The contact can be in person, through telephone, letter or now e-mail.
What
is
the
purpose
of
this?
This
serves
more
than
one
purpose.
It
allows
us
to
develop
the
habit
of
initiating
contact
and
of
being
a
friend.
We
do
not
sit
waiting
for
someone
to
call
us.
It
also
helps
us
in
making
choices
because
we
may
need
to
contact particular friends depending on our mood or needs of the day.
We
are
allowed
to
contact
more
than
one
friend
on
a
particular
day.
And,
we
focus
our
attention
upon
any
evidence
of
good
will in the tone of voice of the friend
- Let it in - when speaking to that person.
And
as
I
have
said
elsewhere
in
this
book,
friendships
are
like
gardens
-
the
more
we
nourish
them
the
more
they
flourish.
So,
when
you
or
I
contact
a
friend
on
any
particular
day,
we
are
manifesting
interest
in
the
friendship
and
nourishing
it
so that it will flourish and not atrophy. It is flattering to be called by a friend.
2. Imagery and Warmth
We
can
use
our
capacity
to
remember
and
to
visualize
friends
-
and
can
draw
upon
our
"memory
bank."
We
may
wish
to
do
this
either
to
strengthen
our
habits
of
contacting
friends,
or
to
make
available
the
memory
of
a
friendship
when
we
need
the
feeling
of
support
from
a
friend
at
any
point
in
time.
And
I
have
found
comfort
in
remembering
a
friendship
as
an
aid
to falling into a peaceful sleep.
The exercise goes as follows:
a)
Close
our
eyes,
relax
for
a
few
moments,
then
let
ourselves
recall
in
imagery
the
friend.
If
several
friends
appear,
we
focus our attention upon them all in imagery until one image becomes stronger and then
We restrict our attention to this one more strongly imagined friend.
b)
Next
we
take
in
the
expression
on
the
face
and
in
the
eyes
of
this
remembered
friend
and
we
become
aware
of
the
evidence
of
good
will
and
warmth
in
the
eyes
and
on
the
face.
Distractions
may
occur:
other
feelings
may
be
stirred
up
and
we simply then allow these
while
primarily
keeping
our
attention
on
the
evidence
of
good
will
and
warmth
in
the
eyes
and
on
the
face
of
the
imagined
person;
or,
our
mind
simply
may
wander
and
we
need
to
then
gently
but
firmly
bring
it
back
to
remain
focused
on
the
evidence of good will and warmth and being open to and absorbing it.
c)
We want to let ourselves absorb and feel the warmth evident in the expression on the face and in the eyes.
d)
Then
we
allow,
silently
and
in
our
own
minds,
a
dialogue
to
develop
between
ourselves
and
the
friend.
This
is
spontaneous and will come to a natural conclusion.
Through this exercise, we remind ourselves of the friend, and what the friend has to offer us.
This
simple
exercise
in
mental
imagery
can
give
us
fairly
accurate
feedback
on
our
current
capacity
to
comfortably
receive warmth from others.
.
If
we
are
largely
able
to
receive,
we
will
find
our
attention
mainly
focused
upon
being
open
to
and
enjoying
the
warmth
we
recall.
If
we
have
significant
blocks
to
receiving,
we
may
simply
be
awkward
with
unaccustomed
receiving,
or we may first need to work through pain from past emotional hurts experienced when open-hearted and vulnerable.
For
those
without
emotional
blocks
to
receiving
warmth
-
those
who
only
require
repeated
exposure
in
order
to
grow
more
into
the
habit
of
comfortably
receiving
warmth
-
this
imagery
work
can
be
a
safe
and
effective
practice.
We
use
it
to condition our self to comfortably receive.
If
however,
we
are
unduly
distracted
by
disturbing
and
painful
feelings,
we
could
wisely
contemplate
getting
assistance
from
a competent therapist with working these past pains out of our subconscious.
This
very
same
imagery
process
can
be
employed
when
the
receiving
of
strength
and
encouragement
needs
to
be
a
larger
part
of
our
life.
We
simply
recall,
in
imagery
a
person
who
is
a
source
of
encouragement
and
strength
-
rather
than
of
warmth.
From
that
point
on,
we
implement
the
practice
in
the
very
same
fashion.
Focus
upon
allowing
the
strength
received to be manifest in our actions.
The
more
goodwill
we
receive,
the
more
we
thrive.
With
warmth
and
encouragement
from
others,
we
live
with
extra
energy
and
strength.
We
will
risk
making
fuller
use
of
our
abilities
and
can
then
more
fully
be
ourselves.
And
we
can
offer
our
warmth and strength and contact as a friend.
"A man alone will accomplish nothing. All of his thoughts and actions have a direct relationship to others. Men succeed only
as they work together."
- Elbert Hubbard
Exercise 10
PLEASURE OR CHORE?
“Life admits not of delays; when pleasure can be had, it is fit to catch it”
- Samuel Johnson
One
of
the
comedians
from
early
television
days,
Flip
Wilson,
good
humoredly
pointed
out
a
real
truth.
It
came
in
one
of
his
punch
lines
“what
you
see
is
what
you
get!”
If
we
look
for
the
pleasure
in
our
activities
and
experiences,
we
can
see
and
soak up the pleasurable. If our attention is elsewhere, we miss the pleasurable experience.
Pleasure
is
to
be
found
in
the
present;
pleasure
will
be
experienced
if
we
give
our
attention
to
it.
I
may
have
a
superb
wine
in my mouth but, unless I direct my attention to it and savor the wine, I might as well drink home brew.
I
well
remember
this
comment
made
by
a
fellow
jogger,
some
years
ago:
“Since
I
have
decided
to
jog
two
miles,
I
may
as
well
look for the pleasurable while I am doing it.”
At
that
time,
jogging
was
a
real
chore
for
me
-
because
I
directed
my
attention
to
the
goal.
So,
I
began
to
look
for
the
pleasurable
sensations
in
my
body
as
I
jogged.
I
came
to
recognize
the
pleasure
to
be
found
in
deep
breathing
and
in
the
working
of
my
muscles.
I
also
noticed
the
pleasurable
sights
of
the
city
along
the
route
-
in
the
present.
With
this
switch
of
my attention, a chore was converted to a pleasure.
Having
established
a
goal
for
ourselves,
we
then
want
to
look
for
the
pleasurable
in
each
activity
as
we
work
towards
that
goal.
Whenever
we
make
use
of
our
body
or
mind
there
is
always
some
potential
pleasure
to
be
found.
To
put
it
another
way, whenever we make use of any of our abilities, there is pleasure to be found if we look for it.
Similarly,
there
is
pleasure
to
be
found
in
the
world
around
us
-
in
the
sights
and
sounds
and
smells
of
the
moment. “Seek and ye shall find.”
To look for pleasure in our daily activities is to be happier, to have more energy and to accomplish more in the long run.
Conversely,
if
our
attention
remains
upon
the
goal
as
we
pursue
an
activity,
the
activity
becomes
a
chore.
Chores
drain
us.
So
if
we
tend
to
keep
our
attention
on
the
goal,
we
are
setting
ourselves
up
to
make
hard
work
of
whatever
we
are
doing.
This drains us.
One
of
the
commoner
ways
of
converting
activities
to
chores
is
through
the
habit
of
thinking
“should
-
ought
to
-
have
do
-
must
-
etc.”
Many
of
us
have
acquired
these
habits
of
attitude
as
we
have
learned
to
carry
out
our
duties
and
apply
ourselves
to
tasks.
And
these
habits
have
paid
dividends
for
us.
When
I
speak
of
correcting
these
“should
-
ought
to
-
have
to
-
must
-
etc”
habits
of
attitude
I
am
referring
to
where
and
when
they
exist
to
the
extreme
in
our
lives
now.
We
can
indeed “have too much of a good thing.”
A. GOALS AND GAINS
The
primary
goal
can
profitably
be
that
of
learning
to
pay
attention
to
what
is
pleasurable.
Pleasure
energizes
and
rejuvenates, makes work light. Pleasure is basic to finding joy and happiness in life. A playful attitude enhances this.
A secondary aim is that of breaking out of habits of focusing upon goals, turning activities into chores. Chores drain us.
Finally,
we
want
to
learn
how
to
extricate
ourselves
from
the
excessive
burden
of
“should
-
ought
to
-
have
to
-
must
-
etc”
in
our lives.
B. BASIC EXERCISES
1) Focusing upon the Pleasurable
We
all
eat
and
most
people
find
pleasure
in
eating.
For
this
purpose
I
have
chosen
an
exercise
which
focuses
upon
eating
and
the
pleasure
to
be
found
in
that
process.
We
take
a
small
amount
of
food
on
one
occasion
each
day;
do
this
when
alone
and
free
from
distraction.
Then
chew
each
mouthful
thoroughly
-
do
not
chew
three
times
and
then
bolt
the
food.
While
chewing
we
focus
our
attention
about
the
various
pleasurable
sensations
to
be
found
in
this
-
the
taste,
the
consistency
of
the
food
itself,
the
aliveness
of
jaw
muscles,
the
contact
between
food
and
teeth
and
tongue.
There
are
many
pleasurable
sensations
potentially
to
be
found
in
this
simple
activity.
These
make
it
an
excellent
exercise for directing attention to pleasurable sensations and encouraging ourselves to savor them.
If
we
find
that
our
sense
of
smell
or
sight
or
touch
provide
simpler
means
of
focusing
attention
on
the
pleasurable
we
can
design
our
own
exercise.
Then
we
need
to
attend
to
it
regularly
so
that
we
develop
a
habit
of
noting
and
enjoying
pleasure in the present.
2) Freeing ourselves from “ought to - have to - must - etc.”
One
of
the
very
common
ways
that
we
have
of
making
chores
of
daily
activities
is
by
approaching
them
with
this
habitual
“ought
to
-
have
to
-
must
-
etc”
attitude.
It
seems
ingrained
in
most
of
us
in
our
culture
and
I
am
sure
has
served
a
useful
purpose.
This
exercise
is
simply
designed
to
help
us
extricate
ourselves
from
the
extremes
of
this
habit.
And
the
habit is huge in the lives of some people.
Whenever
we
approach
any
activity
from
the
point
of
view
of
“I
must
-
I
should
-
etc”
we
are
adopting
the
attitude
that
the
activity
is
imposed
upon
us
from
outside
ourselves.
In
actual
fact,
the
activity
may
not
be
imposed
but
rather
be
of
our
choosing. So the exercise is designed to help us determine whether we are acting from choice.
Whenever
we
find
ourselves
thinking
or
saying
“I
should
-
I
must
-
etc”
we
pause
and
ask
ourselves
a
simple
question “Am I doing this because I must or because I choose to?” We then ask ourselves “What
Will
the
consequence
be
for
me
if
I
do
this
and
what
will
the
consequence
be
if
I
do
not
follow
through
with
acting
from
“ought
to
-
have
to
-
must
-
etc?”
If,
weighing
the
consequences,
we
discover
that
we
prefer
the
consequences
of
doing
it
then
it
becomes
apparent
that
the
activity
is
our
choice
and
is
not
some
duty
or
chore.
If
the
consequences
are
not
in
our favour, we can choose to reject it.
We
will
often
be
surprised
to
discover
the
number
of
times
when
we
are
actually
taking
on
the
activity
from
choice.
We
gladly
do
what
we
personally
choose
to
do
in
our
own
best
interest;
we
do
more
reluctantly
what
appears
to
be
an
imposed
chore.
And
I
may
discover
that
I
am
acting
from
choice
but
then
dive
into
the
activity
with
an
attitude
of
“I
should.”
It
is
amazing
to
me
how
deeply
this
“ought
to
-
have
to
-
must
-
etc”
attitude
is
ingrained
within
us.
So,
when
I
discover
I
am
engaging
in
the
activity
with
this
attitude,
I
then
need
to
gently
pause
and
correct
my
attitude
to
focus
upon
pleasure to be found in
what I have chosen to do.
Exercise 11
FORGIVENESS
“To err is human, to forgive is divine”
- Alexander Pope
An
article
in
the
journal
Psychiatry,
winter
2000,
entitled,
“Forgiveness:
Toward
an
Integration
of
Theoretical
Models”
caught
my attention. It also prompted the writing of this section.
PROCESS
A
dictionary
definition
of
“forgive”is
as
follows:
“to
cease
to
blame
or
feel
resentment
about
(an
offense
or
offender).”
This
indicates
very
clearly
that
we
have
come
to
the
place
of
forgiveness
only
if
we
cease
to
blame
or
feel
resentment.
This
is
the
goal of the treatment technique to be described later.
WHY FORGIVE?
As
long
as
we
carry
around
unexpressed
resentments,
we
are
prevented
from
truly
getting
on
with
our
lives.
Unexpressed
resentment
needs
to
be
stifled,
and
it
takes
energy
to
suppress
or
repress
feelings.
Unexpressed
resentments
result
in
defensive
behaviour
which
inhibits
us
from
being
who
we
truly
are.
And,
if
we
persist
in
carrying
around
resentments
from
early
life
experiences,
we
continue
to
react
defensively
as
though
we
are
still
that
younger
person
and
thus
deprive
ourselves of the potential to be the more mature adult we have become.
So,
the
advantages
are
many
for
people
to
face
and
rid
themselves
of
resentments
through
venting
and
then
come
to
forgive.
HOW DO WE COME TO FORGIVENESS? TO RIDDING OURSELVES OF RESENTMENTS?
By
making
use
of
imagery
and
tone
of
voice
to
vent
our
anger
and
resentments,
we
come
to
empty
ourselves
of
these
feelings.
We
do
not
come
to
forgiveness
with
some
intellectual
change
of
mind
towards
the
person.
Until
we
have
faced
and
vented
our resentments - and completely rid ourselves of them - we are not in a position to truly forgive.
Usually we need to face and vent our resentments time and time again until we have emptied them all out.
.
Too
many
people
believe
that
forgiveness
is
an
intellectual
process
or,
that
by
venting
their
resentments
on
one
occasion only, they will have effected a “cure” and be able to truly forgive.
But
more
commonly
the
anger
needs
to
be
vented
on
a
number
of
occasions.
Those
who
forgive
have
finally
rid
themselves
of
resentment.
Then
both
the
offense
and
offender
will
have
become
“history.”
The
person
forgiving
will
be
able
to
remember but without bitterness - and even recall positive memories of the offender, if these exist.
WHAT IS THE EFFECTIVE VENTING PROCESS?
The
person
wishing
to
forgive
can
make
use
of
imagery
to
recall
the
offense
and
offender.
Focusing
upon
offense
and
offender, in imagery, the forgiver is encouraged to use their voice to vent anger against the image of the offender.
The
“empty
chair”
technique,
made
famous
by
the
late
Gestalt
therapist,
Dr.
Fritz
Perls,
is
the
approach
which
this
writer
has
found to be most beneficial.
Using this technique, to assist in focusing more fully, the forgiving person engages in a three phase process:
1)
Spontaneous
venting
of
every
and
all
resentments
which
come
to
mind,
at
each
“sitting”,
2)
Follow
this
with
an
emphatic statement “and I am not ready to forgive you”,
3)
Then winding up with the additional statement “no matter what it costs me!”
Wishing
to
come
to
a
place
of
forgiveness
-
the
forgiving
person
-
sits
in
one
chair:
facing
them
is
an
empty
chair
and
there
may
be
a
pillow
set
in
that
chair
to
represent
the
offender,
the
person
who
is
resented;
the
forgiver
is
asked
to
focus
upon
the
offender
and
to
state
his
or
her
resentments
one
after
the
other
as
they
spontaneously
come
to
mind;
the
forgiver
is
encouraged to trust and to vent as they free associate. No censoring!
It
is
important
that
people
wishing
to
forgive
be
encouraged
to
vent
in
a
resentful
tone
of
voice
-
so
that
they
can
hear,
face
and
experience
their
resentment
as
they
are
venting
and
ridding
themselves
of
it.
Only
if
we
can
hear
the
resentment
in
an
appropriate tone of voice are we truly venting and ridding ourselves of our bitterness.
The
venting
of
resentment
will
come
to
a
natural
conclusion.
The
forgiving
person
is
then
asked
to
make
the
statement
“and
I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you!”
This
helps
them
to
awaken
to
where
they
are
and
where
they
stand
in
this
process
of
working
towards forgiveness.
People
who
wish
to
forgive
may
awaken
to
the
fact
that
they
really
do
want
to
forgive
but,
the
resentment
experienced
in
tone
of
voice
tells
them
that
they
are
not
as
yet
at
that
point.
Some
forgivers
might
exclaim
“and
I
will
never
forgive
you.”
Here
they
need
to
be
reminded
that
the
process
of
forgiveness
is
undertaken
for
their
own
sake,
not
for
the
sake
of
the
offender.
They
are
undertaking
this
process
so
that
they
can
rid
themselves
of
their
resentment
and
not
carry
it
through
their lives with its adverse effect.
Others
who
speak
of
forgiveness
may
discover
that
they
do
not
want
to
drop
the
resentment.
They
believe
they
may
let
themselves
be
vulnerable
again
to
the
same
kind
of
offense.
These
people
must
then
learn
to
be
more
self-
protective.
This
will allow them to comfortably drop their resentment (Exercise 10).
These
are
the
first
two
stages
in
the
process
of
dealing
with
resentments.
A
helper
encourages
free
association
so
that
any
and
all
of
the
resentments
can
come
into
consciousness
and
be
verbally
vented.
People
doing
the
work
towards
forgiveness
derive
most
benefit
when
they
do
not
judge
or
censor,
but
rather
free
associate
and
state
anything
and
everything
which they resent.
WHY THE STATEMENT “AND I AM NOT READY TO FORGIVE YOU!”?
Making
this
statement
aloud
and
with
feeling,
helps
awaken
the
forgiver
to
the
fact
that
resentments
still
exist.
In
other
words,
this
one
occasion
of
freely
venting
resentments
probably
has
not
rid
the
person
of
all
resentment.
The
forgiver
will
need
to
repeat
this
process
time
and
time
again.
And
that
statement
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you”
provides
the
forgiver
with feedback as to whether resentments remain.
As
we
succeed
in
venting
more
and
more
of
the
resentments
we
have
been
holding
on
to,
there
comes
to
be
less
energy
and
less
venom
in
that
statement
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you.”
Many
people
become
aware
of
this
and
may
wish
to
give
up
this
process
before
completely
emptying
all
resentments.
They
are
encouraged
to
stay
with
it
until
in
response
to
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you”
they
realize
they
have
come
to
the
point
where
this
is
“history”
and
they
no
longer
are
carrying
around feelings of resentment.
WHY THE STATEMENT “NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS ME”?
This
is
the
other
statement
which
needs
to
be
introduced
and
fairly
early
on.
It
comes
after
the
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you”
statement.
The
making
of
this
statement
drives
home
to
the
forgiver
that
it
is
in
their
self
interest
to
rid
themselves
of
all the bitterness and resentment.
The
statement
wakens
them
to
the
fact
that
until
they
rid
themselves
of
their
resentments,
the
unexpressed
resentment
is
indeed
costing
them!
People
often
squirm
when
they
hear
themselves
make
this
statement
but
it
is
an
important
statement
to
make
-
and
be
heard
by
the
forgiver.
It
is
a
reminder
that
it
is
in
their
self
interest
to
keep
at
it
until
they
are
finished.
And
it awakens the forgiver to their readiness - or lack of same - to be rid of resentments.
DO WE THEN BECOME FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON WE HAVE FORGIVEN?
To
become
friends
with
the
person
who
has
offended
us
is
not
the
purpose
of
the
forgiveness
exercise.
If
the
person
who
had
offended
us,
whom
we
have
come
to
forgive,
is
a
member
of
family
or
larger
community,
it
is
certainly
worth
our
while - and of benefit to the remainder of family or community - for us to become civil.
We
wisely
do
not
bury
our
heads
in
the
sand
and
fail
to
learn
from
what
we
have
experienced
from
being
offended.
Probably
we
are
going
to
remain
vigilant
lest
this
person
repeat
the
offensive
behaviour.
We
may
or
may
not
want
the
person
as
a
friend.
But
very
frequently,
when
the
offender
is
a
parent
or
friend,
fond
and
positive
memories
can
be
enjoyed
once we are free of bitterness.
Oft
times
we
are
called
upon
to
rid
ourselves
of
feelings
of
resentment
towards
someone
who
is
dead
or
so
far
removed
geographically
that
we
will
never
have
any
contact
with
them.
We
still
need
to
rid
ourselves
of
our
bitterness
and
resentments so that we can get on with our lives as a more complete person.
HOW DOES THIS FORGIVENESS PROCESS ALLOW US TO BECOME MORE COMPLETE AND MATURE?
When
we
are
nursing
feelings
of
bitterness
and
resentment,
subconsciously
we
still
perceive
ourselves
to
be
the
person
we
were
when
we
were
offended
or
hurt.
If
the
hurtful
events
occurred
in
childhood
and
we
are
now
more
mature
adults,
the
unexpressed
resentments
cause
us
to
unconsciously
react
in
the
world
as
though
we
are
still
that
vulnerable
child.
As
we
face
and
vent
our
resentment,
time
and
time
again,
we
are
now
being
the
adult
we
are
capable
of
being.
As
a
consequence,
we
drop
the
unconscious
perception
of
ourselves
as
vulnerable
and
childlike
and
begin
to
embrace
our
current strength and maturity.
One
bonus
from
this
repeated
venting
of
resentment
is
our
growing
more
familiar
and
comfortable
with
feelings
of
anger.
We
deal
with
our
own
anger
in
a
safe
and
effective
way,
as
we
vent
it
verbally
towards
the
offender.
Through
repetition
of
expressing
and
experiencing
our
own
anger,
we
become
more
comfortable
with
anger
-
whether
it
is
ours
or
someone
else’s.
This
frees
us
to
be
more
open
and
less
fearful
of
anger.
People
who
are
comfortable
with
anger
fare
better
interpersonally and in society.
IS FORGIVENESS SIMPLY A MATTER OF RIDDING OURSELVES OF RESENTMENTS?
Oft
times
we
have
experienced
hurt
at
the
hands
of
the
offending
person.
It
is
my
experience
that
hurt
is
a
hybrid
feeling
-
it
consists
of
anger
and
of
sorrow.
The
forgiveness
exercise
leads
us
to
focus
on
resentment
that
we
be
rid
of
the
resentment.
In
this
process,
the
sorrow
part
of
the
hurt
also
surfaces
and
the
person
dissolves
in
tears
of
sorrow.
This
is
good.
It
is
through
crying
that
we
rid
ourselves
of
sorrow.
So,
if
the
forgiver
dissolves
in
tears
of
sorrow,
they
can
vent
their
sorrow
along
with
their
anger.
Be
reassured
that
this
is
all
part
of
the
healing
process.
We
can
let
go
of
our
sorrow
as
well
as
our
anger.
WHAT IF THE OFFENDER HAS BEEN AN ORGANIZATION? A SPECIFIC GROUP OF PEOPLE?
The
forgiver
engages
in
the
same
process.
The
pillow
in
the
chair
comes
to
represent
the
organization
or
the
group
who
has
offended. The process is the same.
WHAT OF THE USE OF COURTS AND THE LEGAL SYSTEM, BY THE OFFENDED PERSON?
The
offended
person
must
make
their
own
decision
about
this.
Sometimes
by
engaging
in
this
process
of
stating
resentments
with
additional
statements
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive”
and
“no
matter
what
it
costs
me”
it
may
become
clearer
to the forgiver whether or not there is a wish to pursue the matter legally or through mediation.
If
the
offended
needs
societal
support
and
restraints
on
the
offender,
to
protect
self
and
the
community
from
the
kind
of offense they have suffered, making use of the court seems sensible.
Some
offended
people
feel
more
satisfied
if
they
have
directly
expressed
themselves
to
the
offender.
This
can
call
for
the
use
of
a
mediator
or
of
restorative
justice.
These
approaches
can
also
be
used
if
the
offended
person
is
looking
for
some
form of restitution.
When
the
offended
person
simply
wishes
to
use
the
legal
system
and
the
courts
for
revenge,
it
is
important
to
help
them to see the personal implications of this type of action - both immediately and in the long term.
DOES THE PERSON SEEKING SATISFACTION LEGALLY, OR THROUGH THE COURTS, ALSO WORK ON FORGIVENESS?
In
my
experience,
the
offended
person
is
best
advised
to
do
one
or
the
other
at
a
time.
If
they
rid
themselves
of
the
resentment
before
approaching
the
legal
system
and
the
courts,
they
are
more
apt
to
act
in
ways
which
are
objective
and
productive
for
themselves,
now
and
in
the
future.
But
legal
and
court
work
may
first
need
to
be
taken
care
of
before
the person is ready to do the forgiveness work.
WHAT OF SELF FORGIVENESS?
Self
forgiveness
is
a
very
important
phenomenon
in
therapy.
The
individual
with
tormenting
feelings
of
guilt
-
self-
condemnation
and/or
shame
-
can
work
likewise
at
self-
forgiveness.
Indeed,
it
is
important
that
the
person
comes
to
a
place of forgiving themselves.
The
same
technique,
the
pillow
and
the
chair,
the
stating
of
resentments
and
“I
am
not
ready
to
forgive
you”
plus
“no
matter
what
it
costs
me”
are
used.
Instead
of
another
person
represented
by
the
pillow,
those
aspects
of
ourselves
of
which
we
are
ashamed
or
self-critical
are
represented
by
the
pillow.
The
person
spontaneously
vents
their
resentments,
their
feelings
of
embarrassment
and
shame
towards
the
parts
of
themselves
which
have
been
self-offending.
We
forgive
ourselves
by
repetitively venting our resentments and embarrassments until we are rid of them.
Guilt
and
shame
are
two
different
reactions.
This
has
been
made
clear
by
Jane
Tanguey
of
George
Mason
University.
She
points
out
that
guilt
focuses
upon
behaviour
(“I
did
a
bad
thing”)
while
shame
focuses
upon
oneself
(“I
am
worthless
-
I
am
a
bad
person”).
So
it
takes
much
more
effort
to
root
out
shame
and
to
rid
ourselves
of
shame’s
self
destructive
impact. Use of exercises 4 and 5 is indicated along with a therapist’s assistance.
HOW DOES THE PERSON WISHING TO FORGIVE DEAL WITH SPONTANEOUSLY OCCURRING MEMORIES OF ANY OFFENSE?
Spontaneously
occurring
memories
indicate
that
the
offended
person
still
carries
feelings
which
they
need
to
vent.
The
recurrence
of
the
memory
of
the
offense
provides
the
offended
person,
the
forgiver,
with
opportunity
to
tell
the
offender
-
pictured
in
their
own
imagery
-
what
they
would
say
or
do
to
the
offender
should
the
offender
repeat
the
offensive
behavior
right
now.
For
example,
when
we
make
this
statement
for
our
own
ears,
along
with
the
appropriate
imagery,
we
give
expression
to
the
more
mature
adult
we
have
become.
The
more
often
we
do
this,
the
more
we
reinforce
the
recognition
that
we
are
no
longer
the
vulnerable
person
who
was
offended,
but
rather
we
have
become stronger and more able adults. And this allows for more venting of anger.
So,
when
we
recall
the
offense,
we
say
in
our
own
mind
to
the
offender
“if
you
pulled
that
on
me
now,
I
would
do
or
say
such
and
such!”
And
whatever
we
would
do
or
say
now
would
be
a
strong
expression
of
self-assertion
and
self-
protection,
an
experience of our adult strength.
SUMMARY:
1. To forgive means to safely vent, and let go of bitterness and anger towards the offender - or ourselves.
2.
To
forgive
allows
the
forgiver
to
be
more
adaptive
and
healthy:
there
is
return
of
the
energy
spent
on
holding
in
anger;
the
forgiver
can
let
go
of
defensive
patterns
which
arise
when
we
hold
on
to
our
anger;
in
the
process
of
repetitively
venting
our
anger,
we
become
more
comfortable
with
anger
in
general
and
therefore
better
able
to
succeed
interpersonally
and
in
the workplace.
3.
Having
forgiven,
people
become
free
to
get
on
with
their
own
life
-
and
become
easier
people
for
the
rest
of
the
community to be with.
4. Safe and effective methods of venting anger and coming to forgiveness have been outlined.
Exercise 12
FEELINGS
The words feeling, emotion, and affect are often used synonymously. For my purposes, I prefer to assign the word “emote”
to the outward expression of the private “feeling” or “affect.”
We
all
know
what
feelings
are.
They
include
fear,
anger,
sorrow,
pity,
love,
determination
and
gratitude
and
enthusiasm
-
the
list
goes
on
and
on!!
Survival
feelings
are
fear
(flight)
and
fight/anger
(attack).
These
are
instinctive
feelings
and
reflex
responses
to
perceived
threat.
Indeed,
most
feeling
reactions
appear
to
be
reflexive
and
second
nature.
Feelings
can
be
stirred up by memories. And feelings can serve us.
Feelings
serve
us
as
long
as
they
do
not
take
over,
get
out
of
our
control
and
result
in
behaviour
which
works
against
us.
People
whose
feelings
have
taken
over
are
perceived
to
be
“running
amok”
while
losing
their
self
serving
common
sense.
Groups,
nations
and
mobs
have
“run
amok”,
and
there
is
a
seductive
excitement
with
this
which
perpetuates
it
rather
than thwarts it.
It
is
important
that
we
express/emote
feelings.
To
habitually
bottle
up
feelings
is
to
leave
ourselves
vulnerable
to
anxiety,
depression and physical tensions.
We
want
to
consider
feelings
in
everyday
life
and
how
they
can
serve
us.
First
we
need
to
become
awake
to,
and
aware
of
our
feelings.
Only
if
we
are
awake
to
them
do
we
have
opportunity
to
manage
them,
to
choose
to
express
or
not
express,
to
choose how and when to express them.
We
humans
vary
in
our
habits
of
awareness
of
our
feelings.
We
can
have
habits
of
not
being
awake
to
our
feelings.
For
example,
some
people
have
seen
no
anger
expressed
by
their
parents
and
are
unaware
of
their
own
anger,
or
anger
in
others.
They
simply
lack
experience
with
anger.
And
we
need
to
interject
here
that
only
to
the
extent
that
we
are
awake to a particular feeling in ourselves are we awake to that same feeling in other people.
How
do
we
awaken
ourselves
to
become
conscious
of
our
feelings?
There
are
some
Exercises
which
we
can
use
to
help
ourselves become more awake to and more comfortable with, our feelings.
1. “No” (from Exercise 10)
2. Exercises 1 and 2
3. “And how do I feel in reaction to that?”
4. Journal and Major Events in my day
5. “Calling the Devil by Name”
6. Recurrent Waves of Feeling
7. Our “Achilles Heel”
1. “No”
The exercise of saying “no” with determination (see
Exercise 10) strengthens the self protective instinct.
The
stronger,
the
better
toned
the
self
protective
instinct
is,
the
more
promptly
we
awaken
to
what
we
like
(good
feelings) and what we do not like (uncomfortable feelings).
2. Exercise 1 and 2
When we review these two Exercises, we see how each helps us to awaken to our feelings.
3. “And how do I Feel in Reaction to that?”
We take in many experiences in the course of a day. We react to each experience with thoughts and with feelings.
Most
of
us
seem
schooled
into
habits
of
noting
our
thought
reactions.
We
often
need
to
train
ourselves
to
ask
ourselves
“and
how
do
I
feel
about
that
experience?”
Then
we
begin
to
dig
into
our
subconscious
to
discover
our
feeling reactions. They are there!
4. Journal and Major Events in my day.
We
can
discipline
ourselves
to
sit
down
with
our
Journal
each
evening
and
write
down
our
five
Major
Experiences
of that particular day.
Then
we
ask
ourselves
-
and
record
our
answers,
“what
did
I
think
in
reaction,
and
what
did
I
feel,
in
reaction”
to
each
of
these five experiences?
Our
thought
reactions
usually
come
to
us
more
easily
than
do
our
feeling
reactions
but
with
repeated
practice,
we
can develop habits of awakening ourselves to our feelings as well.
5. “Calling the Devil by Name”
We
can
be
tormented
and
“bedeviled”
by
feelings
such
as
anxiety
and
anger.
Once
we
put
a
name
to
the
feeling,
and
state
it
aloud,
we
take
the
power
out
of
the
feeling
and
put
ourselves
back
in
control
of
the
feelings.
I
will
cite
two
examples of how this works.
The
first
example
is
that
of
a
friend
of
mine
who
sat
beside
a
very
aggressive
female
passenger
on
an
aircraft.
He
was
growing
more
and
more
anxious
as
he
sat
there
in
silence.
Finally,
he
opened
his
mouth
and
said
to
the
lady
“you
scare
the
devil
right
out
of
me!”
From
that
point
on
his
anxiety
no
longer
was
in
control.
He
had
taken
the
steam
out
of
the
anxiety
and placed himself back in control of his feelings in that situation. He had called the devil - his anxiety - by name!
The
second
example
comes
from
a
British
TV
mystery
which
I
once
observed.
An
older
house
was
haunted
by
a
ghost
and
the
ghost
could
stir
up
a
mini
hurricane
in
the
house
and
cause
damage
to
people
who
were
inside
the
house.
So
the
owner
hired
a
group
of
five
people,
each
possessed
of
a
different
skill,
to
rid
the
house
of
the
ghost.
One
was
a
scientist,
one
was
a
clairvoyant,
the
occupation
of
two
I
can
not
remember
and
the
fifth
was
an
ordinary
common
sense
guy.
My
recall
of
the
movie
is
of
the
scientist
and
the
clairvoyant
and
the
other
two
each
trying
to
use
their
particular
skills
and
without
success,
indeed
suffering
damage.
Finally
this
young
fellow
stepped
up
and
said
“you
are
Mr.
So
and
So.”
The
mini
hurricane
inside the house caused by the ghost died down immediately and the ghost no longer demonized the house.
The
expression
used
in
the
English
language
is
“we
lay
the
ghost
by
calling
the
ghost
by
name!”
We
can
be
bedeviled
by
strong
and
disruptive
feelings
(the
ghost
is
the
metaphor
for
this
in
the
story
above).
We
can
free
ourselves
from
this
torment,
put
ourselves
back
in
control
of
ourselves
by
naming
aloud,
for
our
own
ears,
the
bedeviling
feeling.
Sometimes
it
needs
to
be
repeated
on
more
than
one
occasion
before
we
are
in
control.
For
instance,
we
may
need
to
say
to
ourselves
something
like
“Jane
you
are
really
frightened
of
that
-
you
are
really
really
frightened
-
that
situation
causes
you
an
immense amount of anxiety.” But the naming works!
6. Recurrent Waves of Feeling
Often
people
will
have
recurrent
waves
of
feelings.
Sorrow
following
the
death
of
a
loved
one
is
but
one
example.
Feelings
have
energy
and
a
life
of
their
own
and
want
to
be
emoted.
Each
time
a
wave
of
feeling
surfaces,
we
do
ourselves
a
service
if we can give verbal expression to.
Take
the
example
of
sorrow
following
the
loss
of
a
loved
one.
Every
time
a
wave
of
sorrow
surfaces
if
we
(ie
John)
can
say
aloud “John you are really really sad about the loss of Charlie” we facilitate a venting and emoting of that feeling of sorrow.
What
applies
to
sorrow
can
apply
to
other
feelings
as
well.
Often
we
have
recurrent
memories
of
a
disagreeable
event
in
our
life.
If
the
event
was
disagreeable,
we
probably
still
have
some
resentment
about
it.
We
can
empower
ourselves
if
we
state
to
ourselves,
for
example,
“Helen,
you
are
still
very
resentful
towards
Marion.”
This
allows
us
to take advantage of the surfacing of the feeling to help it out of our system.
Some
may
wonder
why
we
keep
dwelling
upon
an
experience
in
the
past.
We
dwell
upon
it
because
we
still
have
feelings
about it and the feelings want out!
I
once
read
the
statement
that
everything
which
we
have
failed
to
express
in
our
lives
still
sits
inside
us
wanting
expression.
That
certainly
applies
to
stronger
feelings.
Whenever
a
feeling
comes
into
our
awareness,
we
have
the
opportunity to vent it and wisely take an opportunity to put words to it - to facilitate emoting and venting.
Finally,
we
can
help
ourselves
settle
down,
become
more
poised
and
objective,
if
we
make
use
of
practices
in
grounding
(Exercise
6).
With
repetitive
practice
of
grounding,
we
become
more
prompt
in
remembering
to
use
it
and
use
it
more
effectively.
7. Our “Achilles Heel”
We
can
become
aware
of
our
“Achilles
Heel”
by
noting
our
extra
sensitivity
and
defensiveness
in
reaction
to
specific
slights
and hurts.
Dr.
Hugh
Missildine,
in
his
classic
“Your
Inner
Child
of
the
Past”
provides
an
exhaustive
coverage
of
this
subject.
I
will
not attempt to repeat it here.
I
will
comment
briefly
upon
Abandonment,
Neglect,
Criticism,
and
Intimidation
-
and
how
experience
of
these
when
we
are
young and vulnerable impacts upon our behaviour as adults.
Abandonment:
Whether
by
death
or
desertion
-
intended
or
unintended
-
the
abandoned
child
feels
alone
and
not
valued.
With
a
“fight”
reaction,
that
child
becomes
an
adult
who
is
an
overachiever
(efforts
to
feel
valued),
angry
in
the
face
of
lack
of
appreciation
or
criticism
(not
being
valued),
and
unduly
self
reliant
(“I
have
only
myself
to
rely
upon”).
With
a
“flight”
reaction,
people
deny
or
suppress
their
hurt
(sorrow
and
anger)
and
are
prone
to
anxiety
and
depression
and
loss
of
self confidence.
Neglect:
Neglected
children
perceive
themselves
as
lacking
worth
and
as
not
deserving.
These
children
commonly
become
self-neglecting
adults.
A
few
neglected
children
over-react
and
seek
“special”
treatment
from
life,
as
though
“the
world
owes
me.”
Criticism:
We
are
perhaps
more
familiar
with
adults
who
have
been
subjected
to
excessive
criticism
when
young.
These
folk
can
be
extra
critical
of
both
themselves
and
of
others
They
can
be
perfectionists
out
of
a
fear
of
failure
(=
criticism)
and
thus
set
themselves
up
for
feared
criticism.
Or
they
can
refuse
to
try,
avoid
criticism
and
pain
and
lose
self
respect and a meaningful life.
Intimidation:
Children
are
intimidated
by
the
anger
of
parents.
They
can
then
react
by
becoming
easily
angered,
meeting anger-with-anger. Or else they can hide, avoiding conflict, or try unsuccessfully to please.
Remedy?
In
all
of
these
forms
of
sensitivity
and
reactive
defensiveness,
the
remedy
lies
in
repeatedly
facing
the
hurt
(anger
and
sorrow) experienced in childhood and still within by venting this anger and sorrow in a safe way.
To do this effectively, we very much need the assistance of an experienced therapist.
This
work
can
be
done.
We
can
become
more
conscious
of
that
hurt
from
childhood
and
how
it
affects
us
as
adults.
We
may
never
lose
our
extra
sensitivity
to
that
type
of
hurt
(our
“Achilles
Heel”),
but
we
can
cease
to
over
react
and
be
defensive.
We
become
awake
to
our
reactions
and
own
them
and
thus
find
them
less
intense
and
more
manageable. We can learn to handle ourselves more objectively.
NOTES ON HABIT AND CHANGE
“Nothing is stronger than habit”
- Ovid
The
purpose
of
writing
this
chapter
is
to
help
us
comprehend
the
force
of
habit
in
our
lives
and
to
comment
upon
some
practical aspects of new habit formation as we set about to use the exercises.
Experience
tells
us
that
the
extent
to
which
most
human
beings
exercise
free
choice
is
over-estimated,
while
the
force
of
habit
is
not
acknowledged enough. As a consequence, we often put our energies into the wrong thing when attempting to develop new habits.
My
dictionary
has
the
following
to
say
of
habit:
“an
acquired
behavior
pattern
regularly
followed
until
it
has
become
involuntary,
or
almost
involuntary.”
The
definition
clarifies
the
learned
aspect
of
habits
and
the
necessity
of
repetition
if
one
is
to
develop and integrate a new habit.
There are several points which I would like to make concerning the practicalities of developing new and more adaptive habits:
1.
It
is
important
to
invest
our
energies
mainly
in
the
developing
of
a
new
and
more
fulfilling
habit.
Indeed,
we
will
not
relinquish
the
old
and
maladaptive
habit
until
we
have
developed
a
new
habit
to
hang
on
to.
Why?
Because
until
we
have
developed
a
new
habit
we
have
no
option
but
to
use
the
old
and
maladaptive
habit.
When
trying
to
stay
afloat
in
water,
we
do
not
let
go
of
the
raft
we
have
until we have a better one to go to!
2.
I
question
whether
we
ever
lose
the
potential
to
fall
back
into
an
old
and
maladaptive
habit.
As
we
follow
the
exercises
to
help
us
develop
the
new
and
more
adaptive
habit,
we
spend
more
and
more
time
functioning
with
the
new
habit
and
less
time
falling
back
into
the
old
maladaptive
habit.
Eventually
we
mainly
function
with
the
new
habit.
However,
if
we
become
tired
or
are
ill,
there
is
a
possibility
of
lapsing
back
into
the
old
frustrating
habit.
Armed
with
the
knowledge
of
the
practice
required
to
bring
us
into
the
new habit, we simply need to remind ourselves to practice the exercises promoting the new habit.
3.
Awareness’s
are
by
nature
short
lived
awakenings.
A
realization
on
the
other
hand
is
something
which
is
more
easily
mobilized
and
is
a longer lasting awakening.
It
is
through
the
conscious
repetition
of
the
new
behavior
that
we
bring
ourselves
to
incorporate
the
new
habit,
to
realize
and
easily
remember
it.
Every
time
we
practice
a
new
habit
we
become
aware
and
awake
to
it.
In
diagram
#2
(page
155),
I
attempt
to
portray
this.
Graph
a
shows
the
usual
outcome
as
we
sporadically
awaken
to
an
insight.
Graph
B
displays
the
much
more
prompt
realization
which
we
achieve
as
a
result
of
persistent
practice.
We
realize
something
when
the
information
(insight,
perspective,
need
to practice etc.) is readily available to our consciousness. It can become easily remembered and recalled.
Each
time
we
practice
we
become
more
conscious;
repetitive
practice
means
repetitive
awakening
and
a
better
guarantee
of
developing the new habit.
4.
Anticipate
some
anxiety
and
guilt
when
in
the
early
phases
of
implementing
the
new
habit.
Since
people
are
more
alert
and
somewhat
apprehensive
when
confronted
with
new
situations,
it
is
natural
that
they
experience
anxiety
when
first
encountering
the
new habit. As we gain more experience and familiarity with the new pattern, our anxiety abates.
Guilt
comes
from
our
old
task
master
who
is,
in
effect,
saying
“what
is
the
big
idea
of
departing
from
my
rules
(old
habits)?”
Armed
with
objectivity about this guilt, we can choose to persevere and find that the guilt subsides.
5.
Tackle
these
exercises
with
enthusiasm.
We
will
fall
short
of
perfection
as
we
start
with
these
exercises,
but
we
will
become
smoother and more adept with enthusiastic practice.
In
the
approach
to
practice
we
can
consider
the
applied
wisdom
of
legendary
golfer
Jack
Nicklaus.
Nicklaus
has
been
quoted
as
saying
“To
play
golf
well,
you
need
to
learn
to
hit
the
ball
and
to
hit
it
straight
-
but
first
be
confident
at
hitting
it.”
To
carry
this
over
to
application
to
the
Exercises,
we
first
do
it
(hit
it)
with
energy
and
enthusiasm.
Then
with
repetition,
we
begin
to
do
it
more
effectively
(hit it straight).
Let
me
attempt
to
illustrate
this
with
respect
to
the
exercise
in
saying
“no”
which
allows
us
to
protect
ourselves
and
to
set
boundaries.
When
we
first
apply
ourselves
to
this
exercise
in
life,
we
may
express
“no”
in
a
less
than
diplomatic
fashion.
It
is
important
that
we
spontaneously
express
“no”
(hit
the
ball)
so
that
we
become
comfortable
with
this.
As
we
become
more
familiar
through
usage with stating “no” appropriately, we can then focus on becoming diplomatic (hit it straight).
AFTERTHOUGHTS
The
material
contained
in
the
book
comes
from
a
variety
of
sources
-
reading,
workshops
attended,
conversations,
feedback
from
clients,
patients
and
colleagues.
My
contribution
is
simply
that
of
putting
it
together
in
its
current
form.
I
apologize
to
anyone
who
deserves credit for a specific part of the content of this book as a consequence of my not knowing that person’s identity.
There
is
a
rosier
side
to
the
incorporation
of
the
habits
discussed
in
this
book
into
our
personality.
This
can
form
the
basis
for
further
expansion
and
exploration
of
our
potential
as
human
beings,
and
our
capacity
for
living
fully
and
happily.
There
is
a
great
potential
for
the
implementation
of
specific
types
of
imagery
work
and
I
can
only
refer
the
reader
to
books
on
the
use
of
imagery
to
be
found
in
libraries and in book stores.
I
want
to
simply
share
a
number
of
quotes
from
my
recent
reading.
These
seem
to
give
an
indication
of
future
directions for maturing and for self development.
From George Grant come the following quotes:
“Cutting the beautiful off from science (Bacon’s attitude) has been a terrible thing” “Poetry, from its original Greek origin,
means “making - leading forth.” “Poetry was meant to teach people about things, to teach them (bring forth) the truth about
things.”
From Holder in we read “Where the danger is, grows the saving power also.”
From the writings of Simone Weil “The true study of Science is this - the study of the beauty of the world.”
From Heidegger comes “Being’s poem, which is man, has just begun.”
Heidegger’s comment, in particular, indicates that we humans are just beginning to comprehend our real potential.
Good wishes!
William N. Downe MD FRCP (C)
Bill passed peacefully on Remembrance Day, Friday, November 11th, 2011.
“Act the way you want to be
and soon you’ll be the way
you act”
Herman Aaftink
